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Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Green with envy

By Bomani Jones
Special to Page 2

It took about eight viewings of Dennis Green's Vesuvian press conference to figure out what was going on. He appeared incapable of maintaining a coherent train of thought, unquestionably the result of watching his team give a game away in spectacular fashion. This would have been worse only if a team gave up a one-point lead by pulling a Jim Marshall as the clock went to zeroes.

But we at Page 2 are familiar with losing games like this. Everyone's had a game of Madden when it felt like the computer was cheating. The computer was making you do things wrong. That's what we always say.

Even though we know the real reason that stuff happens: We're probably just not that good.

Underneath Denny's words was what was really going on in his mind. Join us as we read between the lines.

"They are what we thought they were."

Like, much better than us.

"We played them in preseason. Who the hell picks a third game in preseason like it's [meaningless]? We played them in the third [exhibition] game. Everybody played three quarters."

Wow, I actually used a preseason game to make a prediction. I really believed that since we beat them in a game that didn't count, we would keep that going when we played tonight. I really thought a seven-point win in August would have anything to do with what's going on right now. That's the single-dumbest thing I've ever thought. How did I let Bidwell talk me into believing that?

"The Bears are who we thought they were."

I mean way better than us. You're a special kind of sorry when you force six turnovers but only score 23 points. Never mind all that other stuff. We couldn't score more than two touchdowns in a game where we forced six turnovers. We should thank the Bears for keeping us in the game. Thanks, Rex.

"That's why we took the damn field."

I have no clue why we took the field. We could have gotten Matt Leinart killed.

To be honest, I thought the kid would be laid out by that defense. Let's just be glad he came out in one piece. If I had to put Kurt Warner back in the game, Brenda would never forgive me. Kurt would have nightmares about that defense for weeks.

Plus, it's a real pretty stadium.

"If you want to crown them, just crown their ass."

I've wanted to say that all week, but I didn't want it to wind up on a bulletin board. Guess that doesn't matter too much now, does it?

"We let them off the hook."

Pshhh … he let them off the hook. Edgerrin James, that is.

Pay this guy all that damn money, and he comes over here complaining about not having room to run. He knew what he was stepping into. He's seen us play before. There weren't any holes last year or the year before that or the 25 years before that. He's the one that thought he could be like Earl Campbell and make the holes. So he can save the drama for his mama.

Then he gets mad that we don't give him the ball at the end. Says we'd win more games like that. Well, we gave him 36 carries tonight and he got 55 yards. That's it! Give him the ball at the end and he gets punked.

We expected those other guys to mess it up. Our dreadful line missing a block that forces a rookie quarterback to fumble? We expect that sort of stuff. That makes sense. No surprise the kicker missed, either. You don't get much practice kicking in the clutch when you play here.

But the new guy, the one that's done a little winning, he gets his lunch money taken from him at the end.

We ain't do nothin'. That was he.

Bomani Jones is a frequent contributor to Page 2. Tell him how you feel at readers@bomanijones.com.