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|"I can say anything I want. I'm Keith Hernandez."|
JERRY: Mr. Met? ELAINE: Keith Hernandez. JERRY: Really? I thought you called it off with him when he said you should get breast implants and wear wet tank tops. ELAINE: Yeah, but we talked when I was at Shea last week for a meeting on the Mets' stirrup socks and we had the most wonderful conversation. I think he's opened himself up to his feminine side in the past couple years. He's really changed. [We see a shot from the Mets broadcast showing the Padres dugout and hear KEITH HERNANDEZ in the broadcast booth.] KEITH: Who is the girl in the dugout, with the long hair? What's going on here? You have got to be kidding me. Only player personnel in the dugout. I won't say that women belong in the kitchen, but they don't belong in the dugout. You know, I am only teasing. I love you gals out there -- always have. JERRY [turning to Elaine]: You were saying? [SCENE 2: JERRY and GEORGE are reading their menus at Monk's. KRAMER is reading The New York Post.] GEORGE [humming softly]: Meet the Mets, meet the Mets... JERRY: How is the new job going? And just what does the assistant to the assistant traveling secretary for the Mets actually do anyway? GEORGE: Crucial work, Jerry. Crucial. JERRY: Such as? GEORGE: It's difficult to capture in a few sentences. JERRY: Try. GEORGE: I arrange tickets for the players. JERRY: Hard to believe you beat out Theo Epstein for that job. GEORGE: It can be very tricky, Jerry. JERRY: How? GEORGE: For one thing, I need to keep the wives sitting at least one section away from the mistresses. JERRY: And? GEORGE: And I have to make sure Pedro's friend, Nelson de la Rosa, isn't sitting behind anyone tall. JERRY: And? GEORGE: That's about it. JERRY: It's as if I'm having breakfast with Branch Rickey. [KRAMER suddenly lets out a yelp and points to a story in the Post.]
|Will Kramer, suiting up as Mr. Met, have a chance with Anna?|
GEORGE: No problem.
JERRY: You're going to get Kramer in uniform? How are you going to do that? Does Omar Moreno need tickets to a game?
GEORGE: Easy. We need a new Mr. Met. I'll get Kramer a one-game audition. KRAMER: Giddyup! I love Mr. Met. JERRY: What happened to the old Mr. Met? GEORGE: He got a big head. [JERRY rolls his eyes.] He had a real attitude. Got too difficult to work with. Referred to himself in the third person all the time. "Mr. Met wants more DiamondVision time." ... "You'll be hearing from Mr. Met's agent about that.'' ... "Mr. Met doesn't do bar mitzvahs.'' ... And this from a mascot. Can you believe anyone getting that inflated an opinion of their importance? JERRY: I can't imagine. [SCENE 3: A restaurant where ELAINE and KEITH are dining.] KEITH: Like I told everyone else, it was just a stupid joke. ELAINE: A joke? Women don't belong in the dugout? Yeah, that's a real scream. I'll have to tell Jerry to insert it into his routine. KEITH: Let me explain, Elaine. I'm Keith Hernandez. I was the 1979 MVP. I won 11 Gold Gloves in a row. I was part of the most amazing comeback in World Series history. ... ELAINE: Wait, I thought you were in the clubhouse smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer during that rally.
KEITH: Only at the start. I was in the dugout when the ball went through Buckner's legs. I was still drinking the beer and I didn't have my pants on, but I was in the dugout.
ELAINE: Inspiring. KEITH: Whatever. I'm just saying, I was "Keith Hernandez." The 1979 MVP. Winner of 11 Gold Gloves. But inside I was empty. Because I didn't respect women. But I've changed. I'm a new Keith Hernandez. It's just that sometimes the old Keith Hernandez slips out at unfortunate times. And I'm just hoping that you could give the new Keith Hernandez a chance. Whaddya say we go out dancing after this?
ELAINE: Well ... [KEITH takes ELAINE'S hands and begins to look into her eyes when he is distracted by a waitress passing by in a low-cut top.] KEITH: Geez, check out the rack on that tomato can. [SCENE 4: A back room at Shea Stadium. JERRY walks in to find GEORGE and NEWMAN helping KRAMER into his Mr. Met costume.] NEWMAN: Hello, Jerry. JERRY: Hello, Newman.
GEORGE: OK. I gotta go double-check on the tickets. It's Vandelay Industries Latex Glove Night, and if I don't have those tickets ready when the wives show up, there'll be hell to pay. JERRY: Go get 'em, Branch.
[JERRY turns around and is horrified to see KRAMER standing naked except for a pair of Calvin Klein briefs and a manzier.] SEINFELD: What's the deal with the manzier? NEWMAN: Protection against chafing.
KRAMER: My nipples are very sensitive.
[SCENE 5: The box seats behind home plate. ANNA BENSON is looking for her seat among the wives.] ANNA: Good to see you again, Christine. I knew Tom would get that QuesTec problem straightened out eventually. ... You must be Rosa, Julio's wife. It's so refreshing to see a player marrying someone his own age. What? Oh, I'm sorry. You just look older, er, I mean, would you like the name of my plastic surgeon? ... Hello, Mrs. Delgado. How are you enjoying New York? By the way, we stand for "God Bless America'' in this country. ... Oh, excuse me, Nelson, I didn't see you there. Don't worry, I won't be sitting in front of you today. ...
|"And by the way, they're real and they're spectacular."|
|Kris, it looks like Anna's going to get the last laugh.|
[KRAMER looks in a mirror and does an outrageous double-take.]
KRAMER: Jerry, what am I going to do? I'm supposed to meet Anna behind the Long Ball Alley during the seventh-inning stretch. I can't go looking like this. JERRY: I don't know. Maybe you could wet down your hair somehow or put some makeup on your face. [KRAMER rushes to a nearby sink but nothing comes out when he turns the faucet.] KRAMER: There's no water, Jerry. I've got to find some water. NEWMAN: Maybe you could have Keith Hernandez spit on you. JERRY: Please, not the magic loogie again. KRAMER: Help me, Jerry! I'm desperate! NEWMAN: I know. I saw some water jugs through that door. [SCENE 8: The Mets' broadcast booth.]
|Yet another lost episode of the show about nothing.|
1 IP, 0 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 4 BB, 2 K The performance inspired this great headline in the next day's Seattle Post-Intelligencer:
"Guardado is ... Walker Texas Ranger.''
LIES, DAMN LIES AND STATISTICS