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Monday, November 6, 2006
'I'm Keith Hernandez'

By Jim Caple
Page 2

SEINFELD: THE MALE CHAUVINIST
[SCENE 1: JERRY'S apartment. JERRY and ELAINE are watching the Mets game.]

JERRY: What's the deal with the old baggy uniforms? The Mets look like they should be playing pepper and calling each other Dizzy and Pee Wee.

Jerry Seinfeld, Keith Hernandez
"I can say anything I want. I'm Keith Hernandez."
ELAINE: Those are their Third-Sunday-of-the-Month-Alternate-Turn-Back-the-Clock-Road uniforms. The vintage soft flannel was found by a Burmese trader on the shelves of a back room at Raffles Hotel. It had been left there by rubber plantation owners while they sat in the long bar watching the sun setting over the British Empire with the last of their citrus-sweetened gin and bitters. The numbers, lettering and piping were then lovingly hand-stitched by an 83-year-old widow of a grand Knight of Malta to endure several seasons of wear.

JERRY: Let me guess. Peterman is supplying uniforms to the Mets.

ELAINE: It's part of his plan to re-emerge from Chapter 11. I'm his sales representative to the National League East. Which reminds me, guess which dark and handsome New York legend I'm meeting for dinner when the team returns from the West Coast?

JERRY: Mr. Met?

ELAINE: Keith Hernandez.

JERRY: Really? I thought you called it off with him when he said you should get breast implants and wear wet tank tops.

ELAINE: Yeah, but we talked when I was at Shea last week for a meeting on the Mets' stirrup socks and we had the most wonderful conversation. I think he's opened himself up to his feminine side in the past couple years. He's really changed.

[We see a shot from the Mets broadcast showing the Padres dugout and hear KEITH HERNANDEZ in the broadcast booth.]

KEITH: Who is the girl in the dugout, with the long hair? What's going on here? You have got to be kidding me. Only player personnel in the dugout. I won't say that women belong in the kitchen, but they don't belong in the dugout. You know, I am only teasing. I love you gals out there -- always have.

JERRY [turning to Elaine]: You were saying?

[SCENE 2: JERRY and GEORGE are reading their menus at Monk's. KRAMER is reading The New York Post.]

GEORGE [humming softly]: Meet the Mets, meet the Mets...

JERRY: How is the new job going? And just what does the assistant to the assistant traveling secretary for the Mets actually do anyway?

GEORGE: Crucial work, Jerry. Crucial.

JERRY: Such as?

GEORGE: It's difficult to capture in a few sentences.

JERRY: Try.

GEORGE: I arrange tickets for the players.

JERRY: Hard to believe you beat out Theo Epstein for that job.

GEORGE: It can be very tricky, Jerry.

JERRY: How?

GEORGE: For one thing, I need to keep the wives sitting at least one section away from the mistresses.

JERRY: And?

GEORGE: And I have to make sure Pedro's friend, Nelson de la Rosa, isn't sitting behind anyone tall.

JERRY: And?

GEORGE: That's about it.

JERRY: It's as if I'm having breakfast with Branch Rickey.

[KRAMER suddenly lets out a yelp and points to a story in the Post.]

Kramer and Mr. Met
Will Kramer, suiting up as Mr. Met, have a chance with Anna?
KRAMER: Did you see this? Page 6 says Anna Benson broke up with Kris.

JERRY: So?

KRAMER: So, Jerry, that must mean he was unfaithful to her. Which means she's going to get back at him by sleeping with everyone in a Mets uniform when the Orioles come to town.

GEORGE: I told Bret Boone he shouldn't have retired so soon.

KRAMER: George, you have to get me into a Mets uniform.

GEORGE: No problem.

JERRY: You're going to get Kramer in uniform? How are you going to do that? Does Omar Moreno need tickets to a game?

GEORGE: Easy. We need a new Mr. Met. I'll get Kramer a one-game audition.

KRAMER: Giddyup! I love Mr. Met.

JERRY: What happened to the old Mr. Met?

GEORGE: He got a big head. [JERRY rolls his eyes.] He had a real attitude. Got too difficult to work with. Referred to himself in the third person all the time. "Mr. Met wants more DiamondVision time." ... "You'll be hearing from Mr. Met's agent about that.'' ... "Mr. Met doesn't do bar mitzvahs.'' ... And this from a mascot. Can you believe anyone getting that inflated an opinion of their importance?

JERRY: I can't imagine.

[SCENE 3: A restaurant where ELAINE and KEITH are dining.]

KEITH: Like I told everyone else, it was just a stupid joke.

ELAINE: A joke? Women don't belong in the dugout? Yeah, that's a real scream. I'll have to tell Jerry to insert it into his routine.

KEITH: Let me explain, Elaine. I'm Keith Hernandez. I was the 1979 MVP. I won 11 Gold Gloves in a row. I was part of the most amazing comeback in World Series history. ...

ELAINE: Wait, I thought you were in the clubhouse smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer during that rally.

KEITH: Only at the start. I was in the dugout when the ball went through Buckner's legs. I was still drinking the beer and I didn't have my pants on, but I was in the dugout.

ELAINE: Inspiring.

KEITH: Whatever. I'm just saying, I was "Keith Hernandez." The 1979 MVP. Winner of 11 Gold Gloves. But inside I was empty. Because I didn't respect women. But I've changed. I'm a new Keith Hernandez. It's just that sometimes the old Keith Hernandez slips out at unfortunate times. And I'm just hoping that you could give the new Keith Hernandez a chance. Whaddya say we go out dancing after this?

ELAINE: Well ...

[KEITH takes ELAINE'S hands and begins to look into her eyes when he is distracted by a waitress passing by in a low-cut top.]

KEITH: Geez, check out the rack on that tomato can.

[SCENE 4: A back room at Shea Stadium. JERRY walks in to find GEORGE and NEWMAN helping KRAMER into his Mr. Met costume.]

NEWMAN: Hello, Jerry.

JERRY: Hello, Newman.

GEORGE: OK. I gotta go double-check on the tickets. It's Vandelay Industries Latex Glove Night, and if I don't have those tickets ready when the wives show up, there'll be hell to pay.

JERRY: Go get 'em, Branch.

[JERRY turns around and is horrified to see KRAMER standing naked except for a pair of Calvin Klein briefs and a manzier.]

SEINFELD: What's the deal with the manzier?

NEWMAN: Protection against chafing.

KRAMER: My nipples are very sensitive.

[SCENE 5: The box seats behind home plate. ANNA BENSON is looking for her seat among the wives.]

ANNA: Good to see you again, Christine. I knew Tom would get that QuesTec problem straightened out eventually. ... You must be Rosa, Julio's wife. It's so refreshing to see a player marrying someone his own age. What? Oh, I'm sorry. You just look older, er, I mean, would you like the name of my plastic surgeon? ... Hello, Mrs. Delgado. How are you enjoying New York? By the way, we stand for "God Bless America'' in this country. ... Oh, excuse me, Nelson, I didn't see you there. Don't worry, I won't be sitting in front of you today. ...

Teri Hatcher
"And by the way, they're real and they're spectacular."
[ANNA reaches her old seat only to find SIDRA (played by Teri Hatcher) sitting there with her real and spectacular breasts]

ANNA: Excuse me, I think you're in my seat.

SIDRA: No, I don't think so. Here, look at my ticket.

ANNA: But I always sat here when Kris pitched for the Mets. This section is reserved for the players' wives.

SIDRA: Kris? You're Kris Benson's wife?

ANNA: Yes.

SIDRA: Uh-oh.

[It slowly dawns on ANNA that she was mistakenly given the ticket for her husband's mistress and vice-versa.]

[SCENE 6: The Mets' broadcast booth.]

GARY COHEN: Delgado takes a short lead from first, Wright digs in at the plate and Benson looks in for the sign and ... wait, there appears to be some sort of disturbance in the players' wives section. It looks like Kris Benson's wife, Anna, is fighting with another woman.

Anna Benson
Kris, it looks like Anna's going to get the last laugh.
KEITH: Grrrrowwwwlll -- cat fight! All we need is some mud.

COHEN: I don't recognize the other woman as one of the wives, though, do you, Keith?

KEITH: No, but she has spectacular breasts.

COHEN: The assistant to the assistant traveling secretary must have mixed up the tickets again.

KEITH: Do you think her breasts are real? Hell, what do I care if they're real or not? They look great.

COHEN: Now Anna is pointing toward Kris and shouting something. I'm not sure, but I think she's saying something about sleeping with everyone in a Mets uniform, including the bat boys.

KEITH: Hmmm. I wonder if Keith Hernandez can still fit into Keith Hernandez's old uniform pants?

[SCENE 7: Back room of Shea Stadium. JERRY walks in to find NEWMAN helping KRAMER take off his Mr. Met costume. The heat and sweat from wearing the Mr. Met headpiece have wreaked havoc on his face and hair.]

JERRY: What the hell happened to you? You look like the sunburned offspring of Marge Simpson and Oscar Gamble.

[KRAMER looks in a mirror and does an outrageous double-take.]

KRAMER: Jerry, what am I going to do? I'm supposed to meet Anna behind the Long Ball Alley during the seventh-inning stretch. I can't go looking like this.

JERRY: I don't know. Maybe you could wet down your hair somehow or put some makeup on your face.

[KRAMER rushes to a nearby sink but nothing comes out when he turns the faucet.]

KRAMER: There's no water, Jerry. I've got to find some water.

NEWMAN: Maybe you could have Keith Hernandez spit on you.

JERRY: Please, not the magic loogie again.

KRAMER: Help me, Jerry! I'm desperate!

NEWMAN: I know. I saw some water jugs through that door.

[SCENE 8: The Mets' broadcast booth.]

ESPN25
Yet another lost episode of the show about nothing.
COHEN: And that's home run No. 16 for Delgado, who is being greeted in the dugout by his happy teammates.

[In the background of the camera shot, we can see KRAMER standing in the dugout, wearing the manzier, brushing his wet hair down toward his shoulders and applying foundation to his face.]

KEITH: Who's the broad in the dugout, with the long hair? What's going on here? You have got to be kidding me. No dames in the dugout. I mean, it's one thing if it's Morganna, but this repulses me. I'm not saying women should be barefoot and pregnant. Or at least, I'm not saying they should be pregnant. I mean, contraception is the chick's responsibility -- I've always been clear on that. And I'm not saying they can't be involved in sports, but they should be satisfied serving beer and wings at Hooters. But you know what really pisses me off? Hillary Clinton. Where does a broad get off running for president? I don't even know why they need to vote.

COHEN: I'm afraid we're going to get some mail about this. ...

KEITH: Hey, you know I am only teasing. I love you gals out there -- always have. Well, maybe not that chick. I know ugly girls need loving, too, but not if you're Keith Hernandez, the 1979 MVP. ...

[Fade out]


BOX SCORE LINE OF THE WEEK
It was a rough week for Seattle closer Eddie Guardado. On Monday, April 17, he gave up a walkoff home run at Fenway Park. The following Monday he was one strike away from completing a save when he gave up a game-tying home run to Chicago's Brian Anderson. But his worst outing was against the Rangers on Thursday, when he took over a 3-3 game and threw 38 pitches, none of which were put into play. He walked four batters to force in what proved to be the deciding run. His line:

1 IP, 0 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 4 BB, 2 K

The performance inspired this great headline in the next day's Seattle Post-Intelligencer:

"Guardado is ... Walker Texas Ranger.''

LIES, DAMN LIES AND STATISTICS
How slow a start is Seattle's Adrian Beltre off to? I was home in Seattle for the first week of the season, flew to Africa on assignment for 10 days, returned home, and he still didn't have an RBI. He finally drove in a run last Wednesday, and he still has only one extra-base hit, a double. ... Since the start of the 2004 season, the Royals have had losing streaks of 19, 11, nine and eight games (including three of the latter). As Kansas City Star columnist Joe Posnanski points out, Atlanta hasn't had an eight-game losing streak since 1989. ... Albert Pujols hit 15 home runs (counting postseason) in between Barry Bonds' home runs.

INFIELD CHATTER
"They're saying, 'Here, take this, take this, take this.' Afterwards, I've got sterazolidin, butazolidin, Clenerol, Indicin. I've got everything in me. I can pitch in the American League, but I couldn't run in the Kentucky Derby. Holy cow, I'm glowing in the dark. Now all of a sudden [current players] are doing it on their own and now it's a crime?!"

Jim Caple is a senior writer at ESPN.com. His first book, "The Devil Wears Pinstripes," is on sale at bookstores nationwide. It also can be ordered through his Web site, Jimcaple.com. Sound off to Page 2 here.