Whenever Bill complains about writer's block, I always assume it's an excuse for him to play video games, watch old Boston games from when he was 8, look up stats for the League of Dorks, talk to the other weirdos on his Celtics chat board or do whatever else he does when he's "procrastinating" until he's "feeling it." Then I couldn't come up with a rant for this week and realized his job is harder than I thought.
Initially, I wanted to write about the "Bend It Like Beckham" family selling out, betraying their country and moving to the USA for $250 million. That really annoyed me until I remembered that we moved to L.A. and left Boston for significantly less, so I dropped the idea entirely. Then I got wound up because one of my favorite young actresses (Scarlett Johansson) apparently is dating my "boyfriend" JT even though he just broke up with Cameron Diaz. My antennas are up on Scarlett because she's starting to remind me of a young Angelina Jolie -- you know, the Angelina who never washed her hair and wore blood vials around her neck, not the one who breaks up marriages, frequents third-world countries and pretends she's British. Did you know that Scarlett has dated Jared Leto, then Josh Hartnett and now JT? Three of my favorites. If she's ever in the same room with Bill and even glances in his direction, I'm going to break a wineglass over her head. But who knows whether the Scarlett-JT thing is true? I need to wait another week on this.
Then I started getting desperate, thinking about a bunch of random things that bother me but might not necessarily be interesting to other people. For instance, it really bothers me that Albert Pujols won't change the pronunciation of his last name to "Poo-ho-lays." Why would you want to go through life as "Poo Holes?" The "Deal or No Deal" models bug me because they peek into the suitcases now and milk their 10 seconds for all it's worth. Ladies, just shut your trap, open the case and be thankful you're not clinging to a stripper's pole anymore. On the home front, we have two great dogs -- a male named Rufus and a female named Dooze -- but Rufus continues to hump the Dooze with a stuffed animal in his mouth and we can't get him to stop. It's really becoming a problem. What is he thinking? I know it's an act of dominance and not a sexual thing, but why? Why does he do it? And why does the stuffed animal need to be involved?
Unfortunately none of these things is worthy of its own rant. So after battering my brain and battling writer's block for two hours, I came to the conclusion that I'm not getting paid for this.
Here are my picks for Round 2: Ravens (-3.5); Saints (-5); Seahawks (+8.5); Pats (+5).
Regular Season: 129-121-6
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