Monday, June 11, 2007 Updated: June 13, 1:33 PM ET
Who's more despicable Bruce Bowen or Paris Hilton?
By Patrick Hruby Page 2
One is irritatingly inescapable, inescapably irritating, more than a little dirty and quite possibly the most detested person in the whole wide world, at least for this week. The other is Paris Hilton. With the moronic heiress back in the slammer and Bruce Bowen handcuffing opposing scorers en route to yet another NBA championship ring, it's time to ask: which person is more worthy of public disdain? Herein, the head-to-head:
Time in the slammer adds street cred to Paris Hilton's portfolio.
Catch Phrase Bowen: Lets his feet do the talking from underneath opposing jump shooters Hilton: "That's hot" Edge: Hilton. Broken ankle not as bad as a thicket of dead neurons.
Hey, How'd That Happen? Bowen: A karate kick between your legs Hilton: Fire in your crotch Edge: Even. Some types of pain can't be quantified.
Talents Best Appreciated Bowen: On film Hilton: On film Edge: Even. Use freeze-frame, super slo-mo to see the really nasty stuff.
Totally Redundant Bowen: Finished second in voting for NBA Defensive Player of the Year for three straight seasons Hilton: Has a full-time publicist. Seriously Edge: Hilton. Heck, why not hire personal paparazzi as well?
Not As Dirty As Bowen: The mid-'90s New York Knicks Hilton: Lindsay Lohan Edge: Bowen. Knicks did permanent damage to the NBA; Lohan only doing permanent damage to her nasal capillaries.
Did You Know? Bowen: Averaged 16 ppg as a Cal State Fullerton senior Hilton: Actually earned a GED Edge: Bowen. Kevin Federline has a GED, too.
Oh, The Irony! Bowen: Puts opponents on the line, but is a terrible foul shooter (.570 career percentage) Hilton: Teamed with Puffy Combs in 2004 get-the-kids-out-to-vote drive; did not vote or even register herself Edge: Hilton. "Teamed with Puffy Combs." 'Nuff said.
There isn't "a dirty bone" in Bruce Bowen's body? Amare Stoudemire and many others don't agree.
You CANNOT Be Serious Bowen: A former teammate once told SI.com that "if anything, Bruce is too nice there's not a dirty bone in his body" Hilton: Told Regis that "one-night stands are not for me" Edge: Even. Oh, and the Iraqis will greet us a liberators. For sure.
Unexpected Brilliance Bowen: Hasn't missed a game since 2002 Hilton: Once observed that "only fat people drink Diet Coke" Edge: Hilton. Sorry America, but she's right.
Dream On Bowen: "Bruce Bowen: Come Fly With Me" opens in IMAX theaters Hilton: "House of Wax II" green-lighted, Anthony Minghella to direct Edge: Even. And thank goodness.
Nice Work If You Can Get It Bowen: Earned $3.75 million this season to help send the Phoenix Suns packing Hilton: According to Forbes, earned $15.5 million over the last three years Edge: Even. When they win, we all lose.
Semi-Redeeming Qualities Bowen: Nice guy off the court; can knock down the open trey Hilton: Hasn't released follow-up album; doesn't own 24-hour cable network. Yet Edge: Hilton. There's really no redeeming "Stars Are Blind."
Personal Kryptonite Bowen: Creating a shot Hilton: Sidekicks, storage locker fees, speed limits, showing up to court on time Edge: Hilton. Note to self: When the judge is already ticked, do not be late to scheduled hearing.
Grace Under Pressure Bowen: Doing an admirable job against ascending LeBron Hilton: IT'S NOT RIGHT! MOMMY! WAAAAHHHH! Edge: Bowen. Though "grace" is not a word usually associated with either person.
Someone Ask For A Recount Bowen: Undrafted in 1993, the same year Acie Earl, Rex Walters and Geert Hammik were picked in the first round Hilton: In 2006 AP poll, voted second worst celebrity role model, behind Britney Spears Edge: Hilton. Where did the AP poll take place, Florida?
Suggested Birthday Gift Bowen: A copy of "Edward Scissorhands" Hilton: A "Monopoly" get-out-of-jail-free card Edge: Hilton. Though she'd probably attempt to use the card.
No contest, as Hilton drubs Bowen 8-3. Pity that Hilton's probation violation can't be punished with a life sentence. Is it too late to start up an online petition?
Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Page 2 here.