Friday, June 15, 2007
LeBron, Daly and the IOC ... yep, the week in sports
By Patrick Hruby
Paid attention to the week in sports that was? Put your powers of observation and recall to the test with our weekly quiz:
1. The NBA Finals:
(b) All of the above
2. After flunking a drug test for cocaine at the Canadian wheelchair marathon championship, racer Jeff Adams blamed:
(a) A contaminated catheter
(b) Catheter manufacturing plants that double as coca processing facilities
(c) Catheter shipping depots staffed by crack addicts
(d) The guy at the drugstore who sold Adams a catheter while snorting lines off the counter
(e) Lindsay Lohan
3. Suspended Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry was accused of:
(a) Being involved in the random roadside beating of a 16-year-old boy
(b) Throwing beer bottles at the same boy
(c) A and B
(d) Chris Henry got in trouble?
4. The Sports Business Journal reported that the NHL is considering:
(a) Adding two more teams, one in Las Vegas and the other in Kansas City
(b) Adding 20 more teams, one of them in Honolulu, another in Mexico City, the better to keep this Ponzi scheme going
(c) Calling a toll-free number to hear Donald Trump's personal wealth-building secrets, which are so effective that he wants to share them for free
(d) Giving its bank account information to the Hon.
Mr. Dr. Clemet Okon, who promises to complete the 100-percent safe transaction of US $21,300,000 presently trapped in Nigeria
5. Cleveland Cavs forward LeBron James' newborn son was given the middle name:
(d) Optimus Prime
6. Kevin Federline and former girlfriend Shar Jackson both denied reports that:
(a) Jackson was pregnant with Federline's fifth child
7. CNBC reported that former NBA player Scottie Pippen:
(a) Earned $78,945 in federal farm subsidies
(b) Pocketed $1 million for the Water-Free Urinal Conservation Initiative
(c) Was awarded a $1 billion no-bid contract to reconstruct Iraq
(d) Had an Alaskan bridge named after him
8. Announcing his intention to opt out of his current $65 million contract after next season in order to sign a potential deal worth as much as $100 million, Washington Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas cited:
(a) The recent birth of his second child, which has led him to view his financial future in a different light
(b) The skyrocketing cost of diapers and Tickle Me Elmo dolls, which has led him to view his financial future in a different light
(c) Latrell Sprewell's hungry family, which has led him to view his financial future in a different light
(d) Six-hundred bucks for a PlayStation 3 and $8 stadium beers, which would lead any 20-something guy to view his financial future in a different light
9. The California State Athletic commission announced that heavyweight boxer James Toney and May 24 fight opponent Danny Batchelder both:
(a) Tested positive for steroids
(b) Tested positive for two different types of steroids
(c) A and B
(d) Are now eligible to ride in the Tour de France
10. A Dallas-based auction house withdrew a $1 million bounty on Barry Bonds' career home run record baseball because of:
(a) Concerns over the possibility of a melee in the stands
(b) Fears that a fan or child might be injured or killed
(c) Worries that Boba Fett and Domino might start blastin' fools
(d) $1 million can't even take care of Gilbert Arenas' second child for a week, so what's the point, really?
11. The International Olympic Committee said it might add skateboarding to the 2012 London Games because:
(a) It wants to make the program relevant for young people
(b) It wants to make the program relevant for young people who don't follow modern pentathlon
(c) It wants to attract a lucrative Mountain Dew sponsorship
(d) It wants to replace the much-panned 2012 Olympic Logo with Poochie, the kung fu hippie from gangsta city
12. Former NFL player Johnnie Morton:
(a) Tested positive for steroids before a Mixed Martial Arts bout in which he was knocked out in 38 seconds
(b) Obviously isn't taking the right drugs
13. Asked about playing a makeup game in Cleveland, Seattle Mariners outfielder Ichiro Suzuki said:
(a) "If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'm lying"
(b) "If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd cut out my own tongue, because I'm lying, and that's how they dealt with liars in ancient Babylon"
(c) "If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd wonder if the team jet was running out of fuel and had no choice but to touch down at Hopkins Airport, because that's the only reason I'd ever be excited to land in Cleveland"
(d) "If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd wonder who else the pod people had gotten to"
14. Responding to the dogfighting allegations surrounding Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, cousin Davon Boddie told a newspaper that:
(a) "They're just making Michael look like something he's not. Michael is the type of dude who would do his sit-ups and crunches every night, read his Bible and go to bed"
(b) "I swear I'm not smirking"
(c) "No, really -- not smirking"
(d) "Why do I have a black eye? Ichiro punched me in the face"
15. In an interview with Editor and Publisher magazine, O.J. Simpson complained about media frivolity and sensationalism, stating that:
(a) "When Paris Hilton was going to jail last week, more people knew about that than knew that we were sending people into space that day"
(b) "In this day and age, when someone not serving me in [a Kentucky steakhouse], with no argument, is a story and we don't know that someone is going up in space ... something is wrong"
(c) "It's about time that the news media point out that they are not doing their job ... it is all about ratings, unfortunately."
(d) All of the above
(e) O.J. Simpson. Voice of reason. Repent, for the hour is at hand.
16. The interview reportedly was conducted:
(a) Via Simpson's cell phone, as he was returning from an early morning round of golf
(b) Via Simpson's cell phone, as he was returning from an early morning real killers golf course sweep
(c) Via Simpson's cell phone, as he was watching the all-NASA channel. They have one of those, right?
17. Simpson also claimed he responded to a recent interview request from a Miami journalist with the following:
(a) "If you can tell me how many people died in Fallujah in Iraq yesterday, I will talk to you"
(b) "If you can tell me how many people died because of Katrina, I will talk to you"
(c) "If you can quantify the genocide in Darfur, I will talk to you"
(d) "Heck, let's just talk about dead people. I'm pretty familiar with that subject"
18. Dale Earnhardt Jr. : joining Hendrick Motorsports
(a) Russell Crowe : joining the cast of "Ocean's Fourteen"
(b) Spiderman : joining the Justice League
(c) Luke Skywalker : joining Vader to rule the galaxy as father and son
(d) All of the above
19. NBA Finals Game 3 : Anderson Varejao taking the most important late-game shot
(a) Heavy petting, making out, disrobing : "Not tonight, I have a headache"
(b) "Halo 2" : "Sir, finishing the fight"
(c) "The Sopranos" : Doooon't Stop!
(d) All of the above
20. For only the second time in the history of the race, an annual Man-versus-Horse marathon held in England was won by:
(a) A human runner
(b) All of us, really, because the spirit of Barbaro will never die
(c) Chad Johnson
21. An exotic dancer claimed Detroit Lions defensive tackle Shaun Rogers:
(a) Inappropriately touched her
(b) Wait -- that's possible?
22. A minor-league baseball PA announcer in Nevada who was ejected for inciting criticism of an umpire served his league-sanctioned sentence by:
(a) Spending an inning as an umpire
(b) Punching himself in the face
(c) Watching the NBA Finals
(d) Getting inappropriately touched by Shaun Rogers
(e) Contemplating the birth of Kevin Federline's fifth child
Golfer John Daly says his wife tried to stab him with a steak knife. His wife, Sherrie, claims Daly sexually assaulted her, then scratched his own face to cover up the attack. Both are seeking retraining orders against each other. In 800 words or less, determine which party should be granted a restraining order, and why.
ANSWER KEY: 1-2, a; 3, c; 4-5, a; 6, a-b; 7, a, though there really is a Water-Free Urinal Conservation Initiative; 8, a; 9, c; 10, a-b; 11, a, and you're the fool we pity; 12, a-b; 13-14, a; 15, d, and who knew?; 16-17, a; 18-19, d; 20-22, a;
Patrick Hruby is a columnist for Page 2. Sound off to Patrick here.