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Friday, August 24, 2007
What you won't see at U.S. Open


We have a pretty good idea of the things we're likely to see at the U.S. Open, starting on Monday, which include: humongous serves from Andy Roddick, Ivo Karlovic, Tomas Berdych and John "wild card" Isner, ice cream cones so expensive you have to buy them on layaway, and humongous drama wherever any player named Williams goes. And, of course, we have Maria Sharapova's attempt to continue her winless streak against Hawk-eye: what is she, like 0-345?

So how about contemplating some of the things we'll never see at the U.S. Open of 2007? Here are my top 10.

1. Roger Federer doing a Jimmy Connors-grade bump-and-grind celebratory dance after he wins a big point.

2. A Kevin Curren Appreciation Night. Kev, you'll remember, was the dour South African who cheerily suggested they drop an A-bomb on the National Tennis Center when it first opened for business in 1978.

3. Elena Dementieva winning the toss and electing to serve.

4. Marat Safin. This guy, who won the whole shootin' match in 2000 -- beating a U.S. Open icon, Pete Sampras, in the final no less, must be terrified that someone out there is scheming to induct him into the U.S. Open Court of Champions.

5. An impeccable-dressed and coiffed representative of a major U.S. Open commercial sponsor who actually pronounces a foreign player's name correctly during a post-final awards ceremony.

6. Rafael Nadal choosing not to run down an overhead smash to the far corner of his court, with the other guy down 0-5 and serving at 40-0.

7. A water fountain (without a slot for quarters).

8. Justine Henin and Serena Williams high-fiving on the change-of-ends at 6-6, in the third and 18-all in the tiebreaker.

9. An usher who says: "No, thank you, we don't charge for allowing fans to move down into a prime box seat."

10. An American singles champion.

Hope y'all are ready for a great U.S. Open. See you next week.