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The best part of the NCAA tournament is the Final Four. It's exciting and it's also a finish line of sorts. The words "Final Four" mean to me that "Maybe my husband is about to get up off the couch for the first time in three weeks!"
Bill's defense is "I need to watch everything because I'm writing about it." I have no comeback for this one because it's probably true. But for the past two years, he wrote diaries of the first two days and invited his friends to come to L.A. and join him. They didn't move for 14 hours each of those days. I was trying to be a good hostess, so I made them food and even drove to Oinkster last year when I was pregnant and battling morning sickness. Every time I went into Bill's man cave, the room smelled like unshowered guys and farts, and there were newspapers and brackets everywhere. What bothered me is it seemed like they were having a great time!
The good news is I am going to beat his picks and make him look dumb again. For the first two rounds of picks, Bill jotted down the notes for what I said to myself as I was making the picks, then e-mailed those notes to me and I rewrote them into what you're about to read. For the Elite Eight and Final Four picks, I ran out of things to say, so I wrote those parts myself without help from Bill.
ROUND OF 32 PICKS
UNC (1) over Indiana (8): My friend Gwen just had a baby in North Carolina. That settles that.
|Washington State or George Mason? Eddie would go with the Cougs.|
Louisville (3) over St. Joseph's (11): Rick Pitino's team can't lose to a little school like St. Joe's. I had fun at the Kentucky Derby two years ago, even though Bill claimed he couldn't get me and my friends good seats, and we had to sit in the infield with all the other grunts who didn't have connections. If Bill went to the Derby, you know he'd end up in Ashley Judd's special suite or riding on the horse with one of the jockeys, but his wife gets stuck in the rain with college kids and homeless people. This is what I get for marrying an only child.
Tennessee (2) over Butler (7): Bill was watching Memphis play Tennessee recently and said they were the two best teams, so I remember that one. He doesn't think I pay attention, but I do. Unless he's having an annoying sports call with his friends. Then I start slamming cabinets and thinking of ways to make the dogs bark.MIDWEST
Kansas (1) over UNLV (8): There's no place like home.
Villanova (12) over Siena (13): I've always liked the name "Villanova." That would be a great name for a band or album.
USC (6) over Wisconsin (3): This is the real-life matchup and result if Bill takes the Milwaukee Bucks GM job: I will be choosing Southern California over Wisconsin and living off 50 percent of Bill's salary.
Gonzaga (7) over Georgetown (2): Georgetown plays UMBC in Round 1. What does that stand for? University of My Basketball College? I get sucked into Gonzaga every year, all the Gonzaga kids look like the Brady Bunch boys. Which reminds me: "The Bachelor" started Monday night, and it was a competitive first show because girls were doing everything to impress the bachelor, including singing, arm wrestling and playing the clarinet. It was like a beauty contest for crazy people. But they always have one black contestant who makes it two rounds before she gets voted off -- Bill always compares her to Gonzaga because she's an underdog who never makes the Final Four. Anyhoo, this year's bachelor is A HOT GUY FROM BRITAIN and seems to really like this year's black contestant, so maybe she will make the "Final Four" before Gonzaga does! The other highlight from last night other than THE BACHELOR BEING REALLY HOT was a woman with fake lips who got tanked, fondled the bachelor's knee and gave him her panties before passing out face-first on a bed. I love this show. Ladies, did I mention that THE BACHELOR IS SMOKING HOT????SOUTH
Memphis (1) over Oregon (9): I like Memphis because of the barbecue, the music, Graceland, the Peabody hotel and because it's J.T.'s birthplace. Five good reasons.
Michigan State (5) over Pittsburgh (4): I will bite my tongue about Pittsburgh because I got in trouble the last time and don't want a coal miner to beat up Bill. But who wouldn't want to live in Michigan over Pittsburgh? I like the lakes.Marquette (6) over Cornell (14): Maybe I could talk myself into the Bucks GM thing if we lived somewhere near Marquette; I always thought it seemed like a nice school. Also, I'd be considered a twig if we lived in Wisconsin. Everyone would tell me how skinny I was all the time and ask me where I worked out and what I did. I could introduce the women there to pilates and explain to them the dangers of brats and cheese curds. I like the thought of being regarded as an exercise pioneer even if it wasn't true.
Miami (7) over Texas (2): Texas plays Austin Peay in the first round -- every time I fill out a pool, I laugh that there are schools named "Oral Roberts" and "Austin Peay." I swear they make these names up for people like me.WEST
UCLA (1) over Brigham Young (8): Bill liked Texas last year, and he likes UCLA this year. How annoying! His defense is they killed basketball at his college so now he gets to root for whatever team he wants. I translated that to mean that if something ever happened to me, God forbid, he is going to have a series of meaningless flings and hopefully end up with syphillus. One more thing: Isn't Brigham Young a hospital?
Drake (5) over Connecticut (4): I should have gone to a college with a cool name like "Drake." A bunch of Drake students should start a band called "Villanova" -- that band would be destined for big things.
Xavier (3) over Baylor (11): Two great baby names! Bill wanted to name our son "Xavier" and almost talked me into it -- except we would have called him "X-Man" all the time and something seems wrong there. I can't imagine breast-feeding and saying, "Come on, X-Man, latch on ..."
Duke (2) over Arizona (10): I don't like Duke, but you know the they are gonna win a few. I have a question, why wouldn't Arizona be one of the best basketball teams every year? I would think the best schools every year would be in California, Florida and Arizona because those are the most fun places for a college student to live.ELITE EIGHT PICKS
|O.J. Mayo hopes to drive the Trojans past the Sweet 16 this year.|
MIDWEST: USC over Villanova: USC has the same colors as my high school, plays 30 minutes from our house and has a best player named "O.J. Mayo." That gets my Final Four vote.
SOUTH: Memphis over Marquette: I have to tell this story since it just happened: Sunday night, we gave up on "John Adams" after 45 minutes because we couldn't handle the guy from "Sideways" playing someone other than the guy from "Sideways." We went to bed and I was pumping milk for my baby for the following morning. Bill somehow found the porn awards on Showtime and decided to keep them on for about 20 minutes while I was pumping milk for our son. You're supposed to think about wholesome things when you're pumping because it helps your milk let down, but Bill had no problem watching a show with gross clips and disgusting awards and cracking jokes like "I hope Courtney Cummz wins this one, she's due." Finally I had to threaten his life, and he turned it. This is what I deal with every day.
WEST: UCLA over Xavier: In the long run, little schools with religious names don't have a chance against big schools with big acronyms.FINAL FOUR PICKS
UCLA over Memphis: I needed to pick one of the "local" teams since we live here. Why aren't there any good New England teams? Sorry B.C., I would have picked you for the Final Four but didn't see you on the list.
North Carolina over USC: Look at the bright side, O.J. Mayo: You are the first star athlete whose name combines a drink and a condiment. Just writing "O.J. Mayo" makes me hungry.CHAMPIONSHIP PICK
North Carolina over UCLA: I know, a No. 1 seed over a No. 1 seed. Not very creative. But, as Bill says, that's why people like me always win office pools.
Bill Simmons is a columnist for Page 2 and ESPN The Magazine. For every Simmons column, as well as podcasts, videos, favorite links and more, check out the revamped Sports Guy's World.