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Monday, April 7, 2008
Updated: April 8, 12:22 PM ET
The MLB panic and praise report

By Page 2 staff

After one week of baseball, there's really nothing else to do but put your vast sports acumen to good use by coming up with rock-solid conclusions about your team's start. So here's what we're hearing* around the sports bars and fan hangouts around the country:

*Not really hearing anything
Luis Hernandez
After one week of baseball there's pennant fever in Baltimore.
Baltimore Orioles
• Someone call Colorado, we're gonna need to borrow that Rocktober thing.

• Get the playoff bunting ready in Camden Yards! Orioles-Royals is going to be one heck of a Division Series.

Boston Red Sox
• It's official: That trade for Beckett and Lowell is a total bust.

• I know what the experts say, but I just don't think Manny is going to start hitting like it's the late '90s again.

• Aw, hell … I wish I knew how to quit you, David Ortiz.

New York Yankees
• Girardi calls out sick twice in his first week? Torre called out sick only when he had cancer. We never should have let him go.

• Did you see Kennedy? Enough with the youth movement, let's get some vets on the mound like Pavano and Big Unit.

• Johnny Damon, Jason Giambi and Robinson Cano suddenly look like Tom Tresh, Joe Pepitone and Horace Clarke.

• What's wrong with A-Rod? Only one home run? He used to be Mr. April.

Tampa Bay Rays
• Start printing the T-shirts -- "CSI: Tampa Murderers' Row!"

Toronto Blue Jays
• Frank Thomas is on track for 216 RBIs!

• Baby blue never looked so good.

Chicago White Sox
• Ozzieball is back! And it's $%*#@% better than ever!

Cleveland Indians
• So we're playing .500 ball … that's better than last October.

Detroit Tigers
• Well, no need to set aside a vacation day for the world championship riot.
Jim Leyland
Forget about cigarettes, the Tigers should come with a Surgeon General's warning.

• Somebody hide Jim Leyland's smokes. It's time for the kind of fire-and-brimstone speech only a relentless nicotine fit can provide.

• Kenny Rogers should provide some "dirt" to the rest of the staff.

• Memo to Dave Dombrowski: Offer Atlanta the rights to Doyle Alexander for John Smoltz. Maybe they will click "accept trade" by accident.

• You know, 43-119 doesn't quite seem so bad in retrospect.

• Has a major league team ever had five 20-game losers in one season?

• Jim Walewander could hit cleanup on this team.

• We're already four games behind the Royals -- and they hold the tiebreaker!

• Sign Denny McLain. Seriously. He's probably never even heard of "Guitar Hero."

• On the bright side, at least Juan Gonzalez rejected that eight-year, $140 million deal back in 2000. Otherwise, he would still be under contract.

• Anybody have the number for Paul Byrd's dentist?

• Fire Millen!

Kansas City Royals
• Who should throw out the first pitch in the ALDS -- George Brett or Bret Saberhagen?

Minnesota Twins
• Torii's gone. Santana's gone. Oh, great; Juan Rincon is still here.

Los Angeles Angels
• With Kendrick hitting .400 and Weaver on pace for 200 K's, we're a lock to go at least to Game 4 in the ALDS.

Oakland Athletics
• This team is unwatchable. And I mean that literally -- half the games have started at 3 a.m.!

• If Jack Cust bats .189 with 45 homers, that's still good, right?

Seattle Mariners
• We just got swept by the Orioles. Wait … the first-place Orioles. That sounds better.
Erik Bedard
Glad to see Erik keeping to his schedule of injuries.
• Erik Bedard missed his last start with a bad hip; oh yeah, he's never pitched 200 innings in a season. So why did everyone think he made us the favorites?

• Richie Sexson looks like he's right on track for another worthless season.

• Jose Lopez has the range of an 83-year-old man … and that's an insult to 83-year-old men.

• Jose Vidro is hitting .130. Good thing we didn't sign Bonds in the offseason.

• If Putz is out for the season, Bavasi will re-sign Jose Mesa to replace him (and somehow lose a draft pick in doing so)!

Texas Rangers

• At this rate Kason Gabbard won't give up a run until … next February.

• Broussard … 81 dingers. You heard it here first.

Atlanta Braves
• Great news: We have 16 more games against the Mets.

• You ain't seen nuthin'. Wait until we get Hampton back.

Washington Nationals
• Weren't we in first on Friday?

• The titles should start rolling in … at least that's what the city council said would happen if we built the new park.

• I'm really excited about our chances; Nick Johnson looks faster then ever.

New York Mets
• Geez, we're never going to win the East if Santana is only a .500 pitcher.
Jose Reyes
Jose ... you know spring training is over, right?
• Seriously, it's time to trade Jose Reyes. Does he still think it's September?

Philadelphia Phillies
• You thought last September was awesome? Wait until we come back from being 40 games out!

• Ryan Howard's new contract? What a rip-off.

• Which genius thought it was a good idea to keep Adam Eaton in the rotation?

• Which genius thought it was a good idea to sign Pedro Feliz?

• No, the return of Brad Lidge doesn't exactly sound like a good thing.

Florida Marlins
• HELLO … hello … ECHO … echo.

• I can't wait to root for Hanley Ramirez when he's on the Cubs.

Milwaukee Brewers
• Just hand Ben Sheets the Cy Young right now.

• That whole hitting the pitcher eighth thing? Genius.

• Gagne! Why couldn't we get someone as awesome as Trevor Hoffman?

Chicago Cubs

• Oh, well. There's always next century.

Cincinnati Reds
• Has anyone won the triple crown in pitching and awards before Johnny Cueto?

Houston Astros
• No matter what happens, I'm sure Miguel Tejada will keep the team afloat.

• Well, at least with Darin Erstad and Brad Ausmus on the team, we lead the league in scrappy team leaders who can't hit a lick.
Brad Ausmus
The Astros tried sending Brad to be on display in Cooperstown ... they sent him back.

Pittsburgh Pirates
• Don't let the record fool you, it's only 146 days until September call-ups.

St. Louis Cardinals
• Man, a 1.83 team ERA probably would be some sort of record.

• Just hand Kyle Lohse the Cy Young right now.

• First place and Pujols has only one RBI? Watch out, National League!

Los Angeles Dodgers
• Larry Bowa's off his meds again!

• What the hell is this stuff falling on my head? It's wet, and it's watery. It's coming from the sky! The sky is falling! The sky is falling! The sky is falling! I don't care that it's only the fourth inning -- we need to get out of here NOW to beat the traffic!!!

San Diego Padres
• Trevor Hoffman is never going to save another game! We need to trade for a proven closer, like Eric Gagne.

• Peavy and Young are the best 1-2 combo since Koufax and Drysdale!

San Francisco Giants
• Barry Zito can't break 82. Randy Winn is the No. 3 hitter. Bengie Molina can't move, let alone run. No one can hit. We'll never hit a home run. Lincecum will have an arm injury because he'll pitch after an 82-minute rain delay.
Tim Lincecum
As long as Tim Lincecum can log in 500 innings, the Giants should be fine.
• We find that 100 losses are easier to digest with Gilroy garlic fries and a cold Anchor Steam.

Colorado Rockies
• For the love of God, we've been outscored by the Giants!

• Panic? Hell, yeah, we're panicking … Kip Wells and Mark Redman are in our rotation!

• Looks like Tulowitzki will suffer from the sophomore slump.

• We've already lost two games! We'll never be able to get swept in the World Series at this rate.

Arizona Diamondbacks
• Is it too early to compare Justin Upton to Hank Aaron?

• We're going to be fighting it out with a Joe Torre-led team? Trust me, we know how to handle that guy.

• With a Webb-Haren 1-2 punch, we'll say it … Hello, pennant.