Tuesday, June 3, 2008 Updated: June 4, 1:17 PM ET
Kneel before the power of Joba!
By DJ Gallo Page 2
As I assume you know -- being the good American you are -- Joba Chamberlain's first major league start is tonight. (OMG!!!)
This is obviously one of the biggest events in world history. I mean, he's a legitimate prospect and he plays in New York for the YANKEES! (OMG again!!!)
But is tonight's start the single most important event in the history of the universe? Undoubtedly. Check out a few of these supposedly major historical events below and see how Joba's start trumps them all.
Could a Joba fastball part the Red Sea faster than Moses? Uh, yeah!
Major World Event: Fall of the Berlin Wall, 1989
Why This is Bigger: It took the Germans several weeks to bring down a wall? Joba could have reduced it to dust in an instant with a single fastball. Heck, he could have done it with his changeup. And I don't mean now either. I mean he could have done it with his changeup back in 1989, when he was 4.
Major World Event: Neil Armstrong walks on the moon, 1969
Why This is Bigger: "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." Pfft. Whoop-dee-do. Why don't you show some real cojones, Neil Armstrong, and take one small step into the batter's box to face Joba freaking Chamberlain?!
Major World Event: Beatles come to America, 1964
Why This is Bigger: Oh, please. It took four of these guys to generate half the buzz in New York that Joba creates by making a single relief appearance. Can you imagine four Jobas? That would be the greatest starting rotation of all-time! Even the Ringo version of Joba would go about 25-2 with a 1.50 ERA and 300 Ks. Plus, let's not forget that the Beatles played at Shea Stadium in 1965. You can't get more insignificant and minor league than that. Clearly they weren't good enough for Yankee Stadium.
Major World Event: Written language first developed, c. 3500 BC
Why This is Bigger: Granted, the development of written language was a fairly big deal. But what has it really been good for all these years? We haven't had anything truly worthy of being described via written word. But now, thanks to Joba's arrival, we can let beautiful poetry spill out of us, and finally start accurately using adjectives like "perfect," "best," "greatest" and "kickassingest."
Major World Event: Christopher Columbus discovers America, 1492
Why This is Bigger: First of all, Columbus didn't discover squat. He didn't even know where he was. He was lost. He thought he had landed on India. Plus, you can't "discover" something that's already inhabited. And the continent Columbus bumped into was already inhabited by Native Americans. Oh, and by the way, guess who is half Native American? You got it. (His other half? Awesome.)
Major World Event: Albert Einstein publishes his theory of relativity, 1905
Why This is Bigger: Time travel is possible, eh? What a load of bunk. If time travel was possible, a Red Sox fan from the future would have already come to the present day to take Joba Chamberlain out because Joba is inevitably about to lead the Yankees to 20 consecutive World Series championships.
Major World Event: X-ray technology is invented, 1895
Why This is Bigger: Who cares about looking at somebody's bones? Until there is a machine that can examine Joba Chamberlain's body and spot all of the many intangibles contained within it so we can study and learn from them, medical science is worthless.
Major World Event: The "Big Bang," 13.7 billion years ago
Why This is Bigger: Do you ascribe to the "Big Bang" theory? Fine. But something had to come before the big bang. And I know what it was: Joba threw a fastball off of God's batting helmet because he was crowding the plate.
Major World Event: Signing of the Declaration of Independence, 1776
Why This is Bigger: You really screwed this one up, forefathers. Because of this stupid document, we can't have Joba Chamberlain as our king. And we all know he would be a great and powerful king -- and the only person who could rescue our country from its current state. Thanks a bunch you old, gout-ridden, wig-wearing fops.
Major World Event: Yankee debut of Hensley Meulens, 1989
Why This is Bigger: Yeah, I think Joba's start will definitely have a greater long-term impact than Meulens' first game in pinstripes. Or so Yankees fans hope.
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.