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Monday, September 22, 2008
Updated: September 24, 9:59 AM ET
LIFE OF REILLY

By Rick Reilly

The thing about college football coaches is this: They lie just slightly more than your average Fallujah real estate agent.

But now with my new invention—TruthClamps™—you can find out exactly what these coaches mean. TruthClamps™ take out the guesswork!

Simply take the two six-inch, orange TruthClamps™, attach them to the nipples of your school's football coach and turn on the readout machine. Imagine, finally getting the straight story from these guys! I'VE GOT A 10 MIL DEAL LINED UP. PEACE!

Look at these examples from our testing:

Coach's answer before Truthclamps™ "I guess I have to say it: I am not going to be the Alabama coach … "

After TruthClamps™ " … unless the school comes up with another $5 million. And a T.G.I. Friday's."

BEFORE "Well, it's a great privilege to take over here, at Ginormous U. You know, I always thought I did look good in purple!" AFTER "This purple makes me look huge, but for what they're payin' me, I'd wear a muumuu. Have you seen my office? I could time punts in that thing!"

BEFORE "I think this young man has a real chance to play on Sundays … " AFTER " … not in the NFL, though. On his company softball team. This kid is awful."

BEFORE "No, we're not lookin' past Ohio this week to USC next week. What kinda question is that?!?" AFTER "Yes, we're looking past Ohio this week to USC next week. Why do you think we scheduled it that way? That Ohio bunch couldn't beat our theater department!"

BEFORE "I lettered at Georgia and got my master's there." AFTER "Please don't check my résumé. The only letter I got was from a guy at Georgia telling me where I could pick up my Masters tickets."

BEFORE "Everybody needs to remember these are students first, athletes second … " AFTER " … which is exactly the damn problem."

BEFORE "The young man broke team rules. He's been thrown off the squad. We mean what we say around here." AFTER "The kid's a damn backup punter. In three years he'll be my CPA. What do I care?"

BEFORE "The young man broke team rules. But it's an internal matter. I'm not going to embarrass him by discussing it publicly." AFTER "The kid's going to be a first-round draft choice. So he broke into a Circuit City. We made him return most of the stuff, and he'll start Saturday."

BEFORE "I have absolutely nothing to do with the recruit's receiving $100,000 in a FedEx envelope from this office … " AFTER " … the one I sent was from DHL."

BEFORE "I don't know exactly what happened on that play. I gotta see the films." AFTER "I don't even know what play we called. My offensive coordinator stopped talking to me after I stole his wife. Mostly, I've got Lil' Wayne in the headphones."

BEFORE "This kid's a real student of the game, a guy who does the little things, a real route runner." AFTER "He's my agent's nephew."

BEFORE "Bull has really dedicated himself to his summer weightlifting program." AFTER "That boy has more 'roids in him than a Tijuana pharmacy. My problem is getting the chess club to donate enough clean pee so he can pass the drug tests."

BEFORE "That was a great comeback. We went in at half and made the necessary adjustments." AFTER "I told them during the break that if we didn't win, every one of 'em would have their payout adjusted by half."

BEFORE "I have absolutely no personal knowledge of any improprieties involving Tommy's parents' living accommodations." AFTER "Oh, relax. It's only a three-bedroom."

BEFORE "That big ol' boy is a throwback … " AFTER " … and I sure wish I could throw him back."

BEFORE "There's no tomorrow for these young men … " AFTER " … but there is for me. I've already got a $10 million deal at State U. lined up. Peace!"

TruthClamps™ can be yours for just $99.95. Also work great on teenagers, husbands and members of Congress!
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