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Let's face it ... we're not going to have a playoff system in college football anytime soon. (We're speaking mostly to you Longhorns fans.)
|Sorry Mack ... the best you can do right now is say "we're the guys who beat the guys who are playing for the title."|
So if we're going to be at the mercy of the computers, we should be able to pick which form of artificial intelligence determines our New Year's week plans, right?
Page 2 has assembled a dream team of robots and computers to battle it out to determine which one should rule the BCS.
Check out how our Microchip Madness went down.SEEDS
• 1. Skynet
Strength: Can send Terminators back in time to rectify historical blunders, such as Notre Dame's 2001 Fiesta Bowl bid and whatever uniform Oregon is wearing this week.
Weakness: Ruthless desire for self-preservation in face of widespread human discontent matched only by current BCS conference commissioners.
• 16. Fembots
Strength: Ability to disarm even the most hardened BCS critics with their feminine ways, before killing them and their hopes for a national title.
Weakness: They are controlled by Dr. Evil, who may be distantly related to Ralph Friedgen, thus giving the ACC an unfair edge.
• 8. WOPR/"Joshua"
Strength: Smart enough to realize that in tic-tac-toe and nuclear war, the "only winning move is not to play."
Weakness: Smart enough to come to the same conclusion about playoff-free college football, leaving BCS without an overlord.
• 9. RoboCop & ED-209
Strength: Taking the definition of good cop/bad cop to a level not seen since SMU's athletic department and its boosters in the late '80s.
Weakness: The human side of "Murphy" the cop wins in the end. Humans? Involved? No thank you.
• 5. Cylons (Hottie new-school edition)
Strength: Finally, bloggers will have something nice to say about the computers running college football.
Weakness: May have to quit day jobs as USC Song Girls per conflict-of-interest rules.
• 12. Lieutenant Commander Data
Strength: Inability to understand human emotion and behavior will keep him from ever rewarding coaches who run up the score.
Weakness: Susceptible to computer viruses, so don't open any Facebook videos from Data that say "You just look awesome in this new movie."
• 4. Hal 9000
Strength: Unfailingly polite and soft-spoken -- even when coldly refusing to open the pod bay doors on Boise State's championship hopes.
Weakness: Lip-reading skills no match for scheming coaches with oversized play cards.
• 13. Deep Blue
Strength: Advanced and complex chess strategies sure to impress the likes of Mack Brown and Rich Rodriguez.
Weakness: Can calculate only 200 million positions per second, once again leaving no room to include the Mountain West Conference.
• 6. K.I.T.T. (Hoff old-school edition)
Strength: No problem in the world, college football or otherwise, that Turbo Boost can't solve ...
Weakness: ... except plodding Ohio State's chances against any speedy SEC team in a bowl game.
• 11. Optimus Prime
Strength: Any keeper of the Autobot Matrix of Leadership and defender of all life and justice would never allow Texas to be ranked No. 3.
Weakness: Parking and location. NCAA fans and foes will oppose moving corporate headquarters to a truck stop to accommodate The Prime.
• 3. C-3P0 and R2-D2
Strength: Fluency in over six million forms of communication means Threepio can pinpoint exact moment Nick Saban begins lying; trash-can appearance allows Artoo to easily double as a third-tier bowl trophy.
Weakness: Spear-throwin' teddy bears may think you're a god, but cash-chuckin' major college boosters know they're the real deities.
• 14. WALL-E
Strength: Reformer who tirelessly worked to clean up planet Earth faces only a slightly less daunting task with the BCS.
Weakness: His disdain for a sedentary lifestyle will make enemies out of most football fans.
• 7. Johnny No. 5
Strength: Perfect mascot if MIT football ever jumps to Division I; owes sentience to lightning, not Jeff Sagarin.
Weakness: Mind-numbing, seppuku-inducing repetitive arguments over current BCS system preferable to mind-numbing, seppuku-inducing repetitive chorus of El DeBarge's "Who's Johnny?"
• 10. Paulie's robot (Rocky IV)
Strength: Instinctive ability to fetch anything (beer, ice cream, phone calls) will undoubtedly keep the BCS conference commissioners placated.
Weakness: Has a history of poor judgment. Much like America's previous love affair with Gary Barnett, the robot once had a torrid fling with Burt Young.
• 2. The Matrix
Strength: Able to pacify and bamboozle unwitting populace through vivid -- but ultimately bogus -- virtual reality. Much like the NCAA and amateurism.
Weakness: Charlie Weis. Skintight black vinyl bodysuit. The horror.
• 15. Master Control Program (MCP)
Strength: Can consume every team in college football ... literally.
Weakness: Texas and Oklahoma competing on light cycles won't quiet the "settle it on the field" crowd.