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Monday, January 5, 2009
Updated: January 7, 1:29 PM ET
Predicting 2009 (with a little help from 2008)

By DJ Gallo
Page 2

Touché, Anonymous, touché. You are always so wise.

But while history might repeat itself, it never does so exactly. There is always a slight tweak due to new or modern circumstances and contexts. With that in mind, here are my sports predictions for 2009.

2008: At his retirement press conference, Brett Favre tears up, but he later returns to the NFL.

2009: At his retirement press conference, Brett Favre's tears are intercepted by his eyelashes and returned to his eyelids.


2008: Golfer John Daly is found drunk and unconscious outside a Hooters.

2009: A Hooters is found inside a drunk and unconscious John Daly.


2008: The Olympic torch relay causes havoc in cities across the globe.

2009: A random guy running with a flaming torch causes havoc in cities across the globe.


2008: Jimmie Johnson passes his competitors like they are standing still, winning the Sprint Cup for the third year in a row on the NASCAR circuit.

2009: Jimmie Johnson passes the Sprint Cup into the stands, soliciting donations for the NASCAR circuit.


2008: Rich Rodriguez has difficulty getting a release from his contract in Morgantown.

2009: Rich Rodriguez has difficulty getting a table at an Ann Arbor restaurant.


2008: Michael Phelps becomes the first Olympian to win eight gold medals in a single Games.

2009: Michael Phelps become the first Olympian to be on eight covers of "Sideways Hat Fancy Magazine" in a single year.


2008: Upon seeing a bank of cameras, Sean Avery of the Dallas Stars wonders aloud why other NHL players go for his "sloppy seconds."

2009: Upon Sean Avery's being signed by another team, the Dallas Stars wonder why other NHL teams go for their sloppy, third-line players.


2008: Tatum Bell takes Rudi Johnson's luggage after being cut by the Lions.

2009: A player is forced to take up a career in luggage sales after being cut by the Lions.


2008: Tiger Woods wins the U.S. Open despite having torn knee ligaments and a stress fracture in his leg.

2009: Phil Mickelson plays in the U.S. Open despite having a torn inseam and a stress fracture in his belt.


2008: Yankees slugger Jason Giambi says he wears gold thongs as a way to get out of hitting slumps.

2009: Yankees slugger Jason Giambi says he wears black thongs as a way to get out of doing laundry.


2008: The Bengals are exasperated when former All-Pro Chad Johnson changes his name to Chad Ocho Cinco.

2009: The Bengals are exasperated when former Heisman winner Carson Palmer apparently becomes Gino Torretta.


2008: Alex Rodriguez is spotted accompanying Madonna to popular Manhattan nightspots.

2009: Alex Rodriguez is spotted accompanying Madonna to popular Boca Raton early-bird special, buffet-style restaurants.


2008: China receives criticism for putting a "cute" girl out front to sing at the Opening Ceremonies over her more talented counterpart.

2009: Sports teams receive praise for putting "hot" girls on cheerleading squads over their more talented counterparts.


2008: Michelle Wie is disqualified from the final round of the LPGA State Farm Classic for forgetting to sign her scorecard.

2009: Michelle Wie is disqualified from the final rounds of the LPGA State Farm Classic for shooting 82-87 in the first two rounds.


2008: Slovakia's women's hockey team beats Bulgaria 82-0.

2009: Slovakia's women's football team beats Marc Bulger and the Rams 82-0.


2008: Chinese officials deny claims that the Olympics will be plagued by dirt and pollution.

2009: Chinese health insurance officials deny claims from Olympians who got the plague from all the dirt and pollution.


2008: Lions quarterback Dan Orlovsky runs out of the back of the end zone while trying to attempt a pass.

2009: Lions fans run out of the stadium and into the street trying to get hit by a bus.


2008: The New England Patriots have their hopes of a perfect season dashed when Eli Manning leads a clutch scoring drive in the final minutes of the Super Bowl.

2009: The New England Patriots have their hopes of a perfect season kept alive when Tom Brady does a clutch "game re-start" in the final minutes of the Super Bowl on Madden 2009.


2008: Plaxico Burress injures himself when he drops his gun down his sweatpants.

2009: Plaxico Burress enriches himself when he sells a ton of sweatpants holsters.


2008: The Big Ten is humiliated again in BCS bowls.

2009: The Big Ten is humiliated again in BCS bowls.

(Wooo! I got one right already!)

DJ Gallo is the founder of and sole writer for the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.