|ESPN.com: Page 2||[Print without images]|
The Finale of "Rocky III" Award for "greatest simultaneous moment"
When it was unclear whether a Minnesota player had re-established himself outside the end zone before downing a punt on the Philly 2-yard line, the officials conferred as both Andy Reid and Brad Childress held red flags waiting to dispute the call either way. That's right, two of the worst challengers in football history were going head to head! This wasn't just the most exciting moment of the weekend; we're going to be hard-pressed to top it for 2009. The officials ruled for Philly, Childress challenged and the call was dramatically overturned. So what if the Vikings lost the game? Childress lost the battle, but he won the war. And sure, it was a war of abject stupidity. But still.
The William Ligue Jr. Award for "Most Enterprising Way to Crash The Proceedings and Get Noticed"
Speaking of Reid and Childress, kudos to the guys at Bindledog.com for bringing a "Flabbergasted Four" idea from my Nov. 14 mailbag to cartoon life! Check it out:
The John Madden Award for "Performance that most resembled a 'Madden' video game opponent if you're playing the computer and it decides there's no effing way you're winning the game"
To Chargers punter Mike Scifres, who stuck five punts inside the 10-yard line, including the biggest punt of wild-card weekend -- the one with less than three minutes remaining that bounced inside Indy's 2, kicked straight up like one of Tiger's approach shots on 16 at Augusta, then spun sideways out of bounds. When he jogged off the field with an "I'm in the zone, what do you want me to say?" look on his face, I kept waiting for him to shrug sheepishly at Marv Albert, Mike Fratello and Magic Johnson at courtside. Has there been a greater punting performance in playoff history? And considering Pittsburgh's troubles in the same department, for the first time in my gambling life, I actually factored in the Manute-Muggsy level disparity in punters with my Chargers-Steelers pick below. How much is 10-15 yards of field position (either way) worth 10-12 times in a 60-minute game? Ten points? Fourteen? How do we calculate this?
It was a busy week of podcasting for Bill Simmons:
Monday: Mega-Playoff Podcast II with Cousin Sal, Aaron Schatz and Mike Lombardi.
Tuesday: Bill and JackO discuss the Mark Teixeira signing and whether it's OK to cry during "Marley & Me."
Wednesday: A three-man, all-NBA podcast with Marc Stein and Ric Bucher.
To subscribe to the "B.S. Report" on iTunes, click here.
(Wait, this deserves its own award.)
The Bird Who Crapped On My T-Shirt Right Before the 2004 Baseball Playoffs Award for "Best omen heading into a game"
like everyone else who backed the Cards, I couldn't have been happier when Millen picked the Falcons to win. He didn't just pick them, either. He was adamant about it. I think I broke my personal record for "Fastest time calling in more money than I already had on one team." I was like the Usain Bolt of gambling; I think I banged out another Cards bet in 9.85 seconds. Let's add this to Playoff Manifesto 5.0 and make it the new No. 1 rule: Any time Matt Millen inexplicably appears on a studio show, picks a playoff team to win and seems confident about that pick, bet the house on the other team as fast as you humanly can." And you thought Millen couldn't bring joy to football fans.
The Pizza Hut Stuffed Crust Pizza Award for "Most confusing ad that ultimately makes me think too much when I should be thinking about the football game"
You know that McDonald's ad where the lady serves Chicken McNuggets at her cocktail party and her guests are like, "Wow, this chicken is great!" and they have no idea they're eating McNuggets? How dumb do they think we are? Who would ever eat a McNugget without immediately thinking, "I am eating a McNugget?" And what hostess would lie and pretend she made them herself? If McDonald's is going to have an ad where a woman deceives her guests, it should use their secretly delicious chocolate chip cookies, which the Sports Gal brought to a shower one time last year and nearly pretended she made herself before confessing. Those cookies are like "Fight Club" -- in this case, nobody talks about them because they don't want the price to go up. Whoops, I just broke the first rule of McDonald's chocolate chip cookies.
|The Sports Guy talked all season about betting against Tarvaris Jackson in Round 1 ... then Bill backed the Vikes QB anyway.|
(Ladies and gentlemen, the Minnesota Vikings!)
The Pat Summerall Award for "Most understated call"
Here was Joe Buck's call on Peterson's exciting 40-yard touchdown run: "Peterson only Demps to beat touchdown." Read that out loud in a monotone voice and you just became Joe Buck.
On the other hand, we keep getting mad at Buck for refusing to get excited about anything -- literally, anything -- but at the same time, isn't that what we loved about Summerall? What's the difference? I think it comes down to something that's not fair to Buck at all: We loved Summerall partly because he stayed out of the way, partly because he was a former player, and partly because he seemed like the kind of guy who closed down every hotel bar that weekend and even intimated as much during the game (and later in life when he acknowledged his long battle with alcohol). My pet theory in the '80s and early '90s was that Summerall kept his play-by-play sparse because he was so hung over, not because it was an intentional decision. BUT THAT'S WHY I LOVED HIM! I wanted my Sunday play-by-play guy to be as brutally hung over as I was. Somebody get Joe Buck a flask and a seven-day old pair of underwear.
The David Foster Wallace Memorial Award for "A supposedly fun thing that I will never do again"
And you thought I'd write, "Pick Tarvaris in another playoff game" here. Not true. I didn't mind losing that pick -- betting on Tarvaris was one of the most exhilarating non-Boston sports experiences I've ever had. Every time he went back to throw, it was more dangerously exciting than driving fast in a snowstorm or making out with a stripper. I have no regrets. The Vikes easily could have covered if Brian Westbrook hadn't broken that screen pass. Anyway, I'm talking about intentionally going for 4-0 with my wild-card picks. I thought two home teams would cover, only one of the rookie QBs would cover and two super-obvious road teams would not cover. After studying it from every angle, I locked in on Arizona and Baltimore (my favorite of the four) and already liked Indy; because the Philly-Minny game was a crapshoot, that meant Minnesota had to be the fourth pick. What I should have done: Take Arizona, Indy, Baltimore and Philly and aim for 3-1. But I was trying to be a hero -- in this case, finish 4-0 -- and inadvertently broke Rule 14 of the Playoff Manifesto, which specifically says, "Don't try to be a hero, just try to make money." Call it a lesson learned. By my wallet.
The Bank Shootout in "Heat" Award for "Most reliably exciting moment that wild horses couldn't drag you away from the TV until it's over"
For every time Ed Reed intercepts a deep bomb, turns around without getting tackled or falling down, then starts running the other way with a head of steam. Is this the most consistently exciting moment in sports right now, or am I crazy? The way he wades through bodies, never stops going forward, always makes the right cut and invariably sniffs out the end zone reminds me of some of my greatest driving performances on the Merritt Parkway in the mid-'90s. I have been watching football 35 years and can't remember a defensive back with better home run power off a pick. Remarkable.
|When Ed Reed gets the ball in the open field, there's no more exciting moment in sports.|
(Speaking of rewatchable movies, a number of you e-mailed about last week's "Cast Away" rant and were equally bothered by the husband's disappearance in the climactic Hanks-Hunt scene, but Kyle in College Station, Texas, had the best theory: "What makes you think the husband is sleeping? He needs to let his wife resolve the situation so he's up there wide awake listening to every word -- it's not like he can forbid her to see him. I think Hunt is the Packers, Hanks is Brett Favre, and the husband is Aaron Rodgers. The Packers thought that Favre was long gone and had moved on, beginning a relationship with Rodgers. Now when Favre came back, Rodgers could not have forbid the Packers to talk to Favre, nor was Rodgers turning a blind eye to the situation. See, just like "Cast Away"!")
The Todd Marinovich Award for "Worst performance by a rookie QB"
Put it this way, Matty Ice: When the Cards are jumping the snap for four quarters, then one of them goes on a radio show saying they jumped every snap count because you called every play on "one," then you probably should enroll in a "How to vary your snap counts" class at Steve DeBerg College this summer. Although I love the potential of a Boston College product not being able to count to two.
The Cousin Sal Award for "Best practical joke that turned out not be a practical joke"
You might remember my writing a joke about Phil Rivers dropping F-bombs last week. Angry e-mails came in from the moment that column posted -- apparently Rivers is a devoutly religious man who takes pride in not swearing. Um, how would I know this again? I'm the same guy who had no idea Larry Fitzgerald's father was a sportswriter until last weekend. I learn things all the time. That's what happens when you follow sports; you can't possibly know everything. Last time I checked, there wasn't a blog that listed every athlete who doesn't swear. (Note: It would be really funny if someone did start that blog but put a swear in the title.) Also, has any QB seemed as though he's swearing up a blue streak more than Rivers? What about that little hissy fit between him and Jay Cutler last season? And if they weren't swearing, how was Rivers trash-talking him? Was he yelling, "Keep it up, mister, I will kick your fanny! I will mess your stuff up, my friend! Go suck a lemon!"
|OK, so Phil Rivers is intense, but he keeps his trash talk clean.|
Irresponsible journalism? Who said I was a journalist? I just advised Joe Buck to become a drunk a few paragraphs ago! The point is, Phil Rivers has taken the "Stay classy, San Diego" slogan to new heights. I am not mentioning this as an apology -- seriously, I would never, ever, ever, ever apologize for something this dumb, and really, part of the problem with this country right now is that anyone with a forum kowtows in situations like this instead of sticking up for free speech and the right to make a f---ing harmless joke from time to time (whoops, I swore) -- but just to pass along that (A) Phil Rivers does not swear, and (B) I would have known this if I didn't slack off with my "players in the NFL playoffs who definitively swear or don't swear" research last weekend. So there you go. And now, much to Phil's inevitable chagrin, I will talk about boobs.The Shannon Tweed in "Hot Dog The Movie" Hot Tub Award for the "Random TV moment that inadvertently ushered in puberty for an entire generation of 13-year-old males"
(And it's the right move. The more I see of Sproles, the more I wonder whether last year's Chargers-Pats playoff game would have been different if San Diego had just gone with a combo of Sproles and Michael Turner. Which reminds me )
The Tiki Barber Award for "Latest example of the Ewing Theory in action"
If Sproles wins Super Bowl MVP in four weeks, that would make consecutive years when the Ewing Theory swayed the NFL title. Regardless, has there ever been a better Ewing Theory candidate in the history of professional sports than LDT? Even Marvin Harrison has a better playoff résumé.
The 55 mph Award for "Rule that absolutely needs to be changed"
I'm stepping on Adam Carolla's toes (this is one of his passions), but so be it: Our country's single dumbest rule is the speed limit on highways. Modern cars drive much faster and more efficiently than cars built in 1955 or even 1975. For instance, I was flicking channels two nights ago and stumbled across a scene in "Love Story" when Ryan O'Neal and his girlfriend were driving through Boston -- it's mesmerizing because you see what Boston looked like 40 years ago, pre-Big Dig and pre-everything -- and O'Neal's convertible was shaking and shimmying even though they weren't going faster than 45. Now that's why we had a speed limit! Nowadays, many cars can hum along at 90 when you think you're going 60. So I agree with Carolla -- we should move the highway speed limit to 65, and all tickets should be dispersed based on a car-by-car basis. If you're clocked doing 80 in a BMW M3, guess what that's like doing 30 in a 1984 Ford Escort. Why don't we change the rules? Because we're dumb and lazy.
Anyway, that's how I feel about the overtime rules. Watching the Colts get knocked out of the playoffs because they lost a coin toss and got nailed by a flimsy pass-interference play that happens 20 times a game was just insane. (And yes, I know -- it's their own freaking fault because they couldn't get 3 yards in two downs to put the game away, much like the Raiders in the Snow Game. Just bear with me.) The overtime solution is so simple that I'll confine it to three sentences. If the team that wins the toss marches down the field and scores a touchdown, it wins the game. If the first team kicks a successful field goal, the other team gets one possession as well and if it scores a field goal, we move into "sudden death" from that point on. In that same situation, if an opening field goal is followed by a touchdown from the team that lost the toss, the second team wins. So easy. So simple. So much better. So why can't they do it?
(One other possible format change that we discussed in Monday's "B.S. Report" -- in the divisional playoffs, the No. 1 seeds get to pick which team they want to play. Why? BECAUSE IT'S IDIOTIC THAT THE GIANTS FOUGHT ALL YEAR TO WIN THE NO. 1 SEED, AND NOW THEY HAVE TO PLAY A POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS EAGLES TEAM INSTEAD OF A CARDINALS TEAM THAT WOULD HAVE A ZERO PERCENT CHANCE OF BEATING THEM!!!!!! Sorry, I had to go all-caps there. It's that dumb. So is Tennessee playing 12-5 Baltimore instead of 9-8 San Diego. I don't get it.)
The Glenn Close/Harry Carson Award for "Most improbable cross-racial/cross-gender lookalike involving a Hollywood actress and an NFL figure"
I watched the Colts-Bolts game just a few hours after seeing "Marley and Me" and can confirm the following because I stared at her for two hours on a 60-foot screen: Jennifer Aniston looks like Tony Dungy. I am now convinced this is why Brad Pitt dumped her. He was probably watching a Colts game in HD and got freaked out.
The Marisa Tomei Suddenly Getting Naked In Every Movie Award for "The most dumbfounding ongoing occurrence"
As a lifelong Bruce Springsteen fan, the Super Bowl ads for his performance next month never stop flooring me. Don't they know how the man is wired? He can't bang out three songs without sprinkling one autobiographical story in there, and he certainly can't just go away without returning for an encore, right? (Note to the NFL: After Bruce finishes his set, hog-tie him to one of the uprights or else he's coming back out for three more songs. Just trust me. You don't want Bruce wandering back onto the field with his guitar like Shooter in "Hoosiers" and getting bowled over by a safety.) Look, Bruce might be telling the NFL, "Don't worry, I won't tell a story. I'll just sing my three songs and get out of there." But he won't be able to do it. You watch. We're gonna get a moment like this after the second song.
"Tampa Baaaaaaaay! (Crowd cheers.) Is anyone alive tonight??? (Crowd goes crazy.) Super Bowl Forty-Threeeeeee!!! (Crowd goes crazy as Bruce turns somber.) You know, when I was growing up, the only thing my dad hated more than me was my guitar. (Crowd hushes.) He was always saying, 'Bruce, I wish you never got that danged guitar.' So one day I was playing it in my room, my dad was watching Super Bowl Three between the Jets and uh uh I think it was the Colts. Big man, was it the Colts? (Clarence says, 'Yeah, boss. The Colts.') Well, turns out my dad had a ton of money on the Colts and they lost. But I didn't care. I was just up in my room strummin' my guitar. Then Dad came upstairs, and I remember asking, "Hey, Pop, who won the game? And Dad got mad and broke my guitar over my head. He busted me up pretty bad, I needed 589 stitches to close the wound. From then on, I knew I needed to start watching football. And so I did. (Dramatic pause.) This is 'Darlington County.'"The Alec Baldwin Playing Tony Bennett Award for "I like things that are great good things are fantastic"
And while we're here, the things I didn't like about Round 1: Tarvaris "Taint" Jackson trying to make up two scores against Jim Johnson (just shoot me) Pennington becoming eligible for "Comeback Player of the Year" a third time after an uber-stinkbomb the Sprint ad with the smarmy guy walking down a street in black and white (why would that make me want to get Sprint?) every "Superstars of Dance" promo Anthony Gonzalez putting up huge fantasy numbers after killing my fantasy season for 14 weeks anyone who says breathlessly, "Ed Reed is a football player!" like he's the first person who thought of this being able to see every shaving cut and blemish on Tiki Barber's face because NBC thought it would be a good idea to put the cameraman 18 inches away from him for his postgame interviews any news (and I mean any) about Brett Favre's future plans because I know I don't care and I'm pretty sure everyone else agrees with me any fan bases that think I picked against their team because I "hate" them (that's just moronic) my buddy who has a bookie friend texting me, "Everyone LOVES the Colts" five minutes before the Indy-SD game started (and knowing I had Indy).
All right, enough foreplay. Time for the Round 2 picks (home teams in caps)TITANS (-3) over Ravens
Titans (-3); Cards (+10); Giants (-4); Steelers (-6).
Last week: 2-2
I have two issues with the Ravens and only two: They looked a little too good this past week in a nice matchup against Miami (dropping this line to 3, and yes, this violates Rule No. 2D of the Playoff Manifesto); and the thought of backing a rookie QB, on the road, against a really good (and finally healthy) Titans defense just doesn't seem smart. At all. Flacco stunk in Week 5 and helped blow a winnable game. Fourteen weeks have passed, he's definitely in a better place, he's definitely more confident but he's still a rookie. Take a rookie QB in the playoffs, on the road, against a really good team, and you are asking for trouble. You just are. Take it from a guy who got stuck with Taint Jackson at home in wild-card week.
The Pick: Titans 19, Ravens 10.PANTHERS (-10) over Cardinals
If you like the Chargers, Cards or Eagles this weekend, remember that no team has advanced to a conference title game since 1996 without winning 10 games or more.
Here's the complete list of teams to make a conference final with a single-digit win total (16-game regular seasons):
1996: Jaguars (9-7) lost at Pats, 20-6.
1995: Colts (9-7) lost at Pittsburgh, 20-16.
1989: Browns (9-6-1) lost at Denver, 37-21.
1987: Vikings (8-7-1) lost at Washington, 17-10.
1984: Steelers (9-7) lost at Miami, 45-28.
1983: Seahawks (9-7) lost at L.A. Raiders, 30-14.
1979: Rams (9-7) won at Tampa Bay, 9-0.
2003, Round 1 (G.B. by 6.5 at home): Falcons 27, Packers 7. Vick rolls through Lambeau and murders everyone's two-team Packers-Jets tease; everyone finally sees through the "Favre is a big-game QB" myth.
2004, Round 2 (N.E. by 6 at home): Pats 17, Titans 14. Two degrees, minus-11 wind chill. Brrrrrrr. Adam Vinatieri somehow kicks a rock of a football 46 yards for the winning points (his greatest non-"Snow Game" kick).
2005, Round 1 (S.D. by 6 at home): Jets 20, Bolts 17 A classic Schottenheimer playoff collapse. Just classic. Can't somebody hire him again? Please?
2006, Round 2 (Denver by 3 at home): Broncos 27, Pats 13. An atypical Brady stinker combined with Champ Bailey's bizarre 99-yard interception TD in which Ben Watson stripped him at the goal line but the refs ruled it a score. I'm still bitter.
2007, Round 1 (Seattle by 2 at home): Seahawks 21, Cowboys 20. The Romo Game (if you're from Dallas) and the Babineaux Game (if you're from Seattle). Regardless, this was a Pancreas Punch Game for Cowboys fans.
2007, Round 2 (N.O. by 5 at home): Saints 27, Eagles 24. A rollicking semi-shootout with a fantastic post-Katrina Superdome crowd.
2008, Round 1 (Jax by 2.5 on road): Jaguars 31, Steelers 29. The game that earned David Garrard $60 million.
|If you like DeAngelo Williams and the Panthers this weekend, you'd better really like them.|
2009, Round 1 (Indy by 1.5 on road): Chargers 23, Colts 17. The Mike Scifres Clinic, as well as the game that probably will get the OT rules (thankfully) overturned in some way.
So that's 10 memorable Saturday night playoff games. What's the reason? I couldn't possibly tell you. You got me. I'm stumped. Now throw this in
Thanks to a tip from Mike Wilkening (an editor at Pro Football Weekly), we're also working on a streak in which three straight double-digit Round 2 favorites failed to cover: the '05 Colts (gave 10 to Pittsburgh, lost by three); '07 Colts (gave 10.5 to San Diego, lost by four) and '07 Patriots (gave 13.5 to Jacksonville, won by 11). Since 1990, double-digit favorites in Round 2 are 9-7-1 against the spread and 12-5 straight up. Of those nine covers, the favorite won by 17-plus in every game. Of the six favorites favored by between 10 and 11 points since 1990, four of them ('95 Niners, '95 Chiefs, '05 Colts, '07 Colts) lost outright; the other two ('91 Bills, '01 Rams) won by a combined 62 points.
Here's why I'm telling you all of this: If you like the Panthers, you'd better really like them.
Well, I really like them. The weekend couldn't have worked out better, actually: A limited Arizona team broke two big plays, got a fluke fumble-return TD and took advantage of a deafening home crowd to overachieve against a young team that never caught a break. Now the Cardinals are on the road -- where they went 3-5 this season and got blown out by the Jets, Pats and Eagles by the combined score of 151-62 -- and playing 2008's best home team (8-0), a well-balanced, well-coached team that will run it down their throats. What am I missing?
The Pick: Panthers 37, Cardinals 14.GIANTS (-4) over Eagles
|Philadelphia Drive Summaries|
|08:22||1||01:38||MIN 27||4||1||Field Goal|
|02:36||1||02:36||PHI 25||6||42||Field Goal|
|11:05||2||03:36||PHI 28||9||59||Field Goal|
|01:51||2||00:41||PHI 25||4||22||Intercepted Pass|
|00:18||2||00:18||PHI 44||3||12||End of Half|
|06:53||4||00:16||PHI 29||1||71||71-Yard TD Pass|
|02:49||4||00:54||MIN 47||6||20||Field Goal|
|Philadelphia Drive Summaries|
|00:13||2||00:13||PHI 20||2||11||End of Half|
|08:43||3||04:25||PHI 20||9||76||Field Goal|
|03:48||4||03:48||PHI 9||16||90||End of Game|
Really, that's going to cut it in Giants Stadium? I don't see how the Eagles score more than 14 points unless Eli helps them. So, Eli, if you're reading, please know that, when Peyton's season died, my dream to go 11-0 in the playoffs died, too. But now, you're the one. You're the one who's gonna keep his spirit alive. You're the one who has to make sure the death of his season meant something. You're the one who has to make sure Archie remains in our lives for a few more weeks so I have someone to make fun of. You're the one who can still make the Manning Face but hopefully won't. You're the one who can guarantee us a rematch of that Week 16 Panthers-Giants classic. You're going to have to go through hell, and a bunch of disguised blitzes and cornerbacks jumping your out patterns, but in the end, I know you'll be the one standing. You know what you have to do. Do it. DO IT.
The Pick: Giants 23, Eagles 10Chargers (+6) over STEELERS
1. Do you feel comfortable laying six points with the Steelers when they went 3-4 against 2008 playoff teams, scored just 101 points total (13 per game) and won those three games by eight points total? Me neither.
|Coming off a concussion, "Ben" can't be trusted in Round 2.|
3. Pittsburgh has the worst field in the league; Heinz Field invariably gets sloppy and tempers Pittsburgh's greatest strength (speed on defense). As weird as this sounds, I might consider laying two with them in San Diego. But giving six in Chunky Soup Stadium? No way.
4. I feel more confident about Rivers handling Pittsburgh's superb front seven than I do about Ben Roethlisberger handling San Diego's front seven two weeks after his third career concussion (and we're not including his motorcycle accident). "Ben" makes me nervous in this one. And nervous in general. Should teams really be throwing guys out there after a third concussion? I suffered a bad one when I was 16; even two-plus decades later, I can bump my head and feel weird for the rest of the day. You're just never the same. Nobody can tell me differently. I don't trust "Ben" in this game. At all.
5. Two words: Ewing Theory. Every time Sproles breaks a decent run, I want CBS to play a ka-ching sound (to honor his impending free agency), followed by the obligatory shot of a sullen LDT pretending to be happy. It's going to be funny watching the Golden Globes that same night as every losing nominee claps with that same facial expression.
6. If we're playing a low-scoring game on a crappy field, I want the team getting great field position for four quarters which means I definitely want the Michael Jordan of Punters (Scifres), not the punter who got released for three weeks in November (Mitch Berger), as well as the All-Pro kick returner (Sproles, who averaged 24.0 per kick return and 10.3 per punt return) and not the pu-pu platter of Pittsburgh kick returners (20.3 on kicks, 6.0 on punts). Don't think that stuff doesn't add up. You're damned right I just used a double negative. Whoops, sorry, Phil Rivers.
7. I need an underdog for Round 2. This is the best bet on the board. And according to the Playoff Manifesto, you shouldn't pick an underdog unless you're convinced it can win outright. So
The Pick: San Diego 19, Pittsburgh 17.
Last Week: 2-2
Bill Simmons is a columnist for Page 2 and ESPN The Magazine. For every Simmons column, as well as podcasts, videos, favorite links and more, check out the revamped Sports Guy's World.