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Friday, February 13, 2009
Updated: February 19, 6:49 PM ET
Too Short For A Column


Last year's Slam Dunk was the most original ever. The blow-out-the-cupcake dunk? Are you kidding me? But these guys have got to be running out of ideas by now. This is where I come in. Dunks I would do (if I could). Boys, steal away:
• The World's First Passenger Dunk. Using one of those tandem parachute suits, I strap NBA commissioner David Stern to my stomach and take BOTH of us to the hole. First ever two-man dunk.
• The Evel Knievel. I climb up the basketball support, get my balance, then jump OVER the backboard, turn 180 degrees, then dunk it on the way down. Beat that, Homes.
• The Betty Crocker. I dunk a Hostess Twinkie through the hoop and into my own waiting mouth.
• The Picasso. I dunk with one hand while I paint the backboard blue.
• The Rottweiler. I dunk and then hang on the rim with my teeth.
• The Obama. I go up with a dollar bill, leave it on the top of the backboard, and take off the four quarters I had placed up there the night before. Change you can believe in!