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Monday, March 16, 2009
Updated: April 8, 9:44 AM ET
Bracket mania: Greatest movie lines of all time

By Jim Caple
Page 2

The NCAA tournament selection committee thinks it has it tough? Give me a break. The members have a limited number of schools from which to choose, and more importantly, when they pick a deserving school, that's it, they're covered. That's not the case when picking lines from movies. Not only are there hundreds and hundreds of movies, but I could fill up an entire region with lines from just one, the greatest movie ever made, "Casablanca."

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So, in putting together this bracket, with inspiration from the American Film Institute's Top 100 Quotes, I followed these rules: (1) Only one line per movie; (2) Longer monologues are ineligible -- parts of monologues are OK, but the line has to be short and able to stand alone; (3) There are four regions, each with a specific genre -- comedy, classics/drama, action and sports.

And if you disagree? No worries. There's always the NIT.

COMEDY REGION
ROUND 1
ROUND 2
ROUND 3
ROUND 4
ROUND 5
1 "I'll have what she's having."
--When Harry Met Sally

16 "How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?"
--Napoleon Dynamite
1 "I'll have what she's having."
--When Harry Met Sally

8 "Just a flesh wound."
--Monty Python and the Holy Grail
1 "I'll have what she's having."
--When Harry Met Sally

5 "Nobody's perfect."
--Some Like It Hot
1 "I'll have what she's having."
--When Harry Met Sally

2 "These go to 11."
--Spinal Tap
1 "I'll have what she's having."
--When Harry Met Sally
8 "Just a flesh wound."
--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

9 "I have one simple request. And that's to have sharks with friggin' lasers attached to their heads."
--Austin Powers
5 "Nobody's perfect."
--Some Like It Hot

12 "Shoot, a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all this."
--Dr. Strangelove
5 "Nobody's perfect."
--Some Like It Hot

4 "I am serious. And don't call me Shirley."
--Airplane!
4 "I am serious. And don't call me Shirley."
--Airplane!

13 "Donny, you're out of your element."
--The Big Lebowski
6 "Plastics."
--The Graduate

11 "No, I'm all man. I even fought in WWII. Of course, I was wearing ladies' undergarments."
--Ed Wood
11 "No, I'm all man. I even fought in WWII. Of course, I was wearing ladies' undergarments."
--Ed Wood

3 "I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
--Annie Hall
11 "No, I'm all man. I even fought in WWII. Of course, I was wearing ladies' undergarments."
--Ed Wood

2 "These go to 11."
--Spinal Tap
3 "I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
--Annie Hall

14 "And I guess that was your accomplice in the woodchipper."
--Fargo
7 "Sorry, folks. Park's closed. Moose out front should have told you."
--National Lampoon's Vacation

10 "Nothing is over until we say it is. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?"
--Animal House
10 "Nothing is over until we say it is. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?"
--Animal House

2 "These go to 11."
--Spinal Tap
2 "These go to 11."
--Spinal Tap

15 "Damn you, I'm not an actor. I'm a movie star!"
--My Favorite Year

CLASSICS/DRAMA REGION
ROUND 1
ROUND 2
ROUND 3
ROUND 4
ROUND 5
1 "Round up the usual suspects."
--Casablanca

16 "I wish I knew how to quit you."
--Brokeback Mountain
1 "Round up the usual suspects."
--Casablanca

8 "Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore."
--The Wizard of Oz
1 "Round up the usual suspects."
--Casablanca

4 "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"
--Network
1 "Round up the usual suspects."
--Casablanca

3 "Leave the gun, take the canoli."
--The Godfather
1 "Round up the usual suspects."
--Casablanca
8 "Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore."
--The Wizard of Oz

9 "What we have here is a failure to communicate."
--Cool Hand Luke
5 "To my big brother George. The richest man in town."
--It's a Wonderful Life

12 "I am big. It's the pictures that got small."
--Sunset Boulevard
5 "To my big brother George. The richest man in town."
--It's a Wonderful Life

4 "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"
--Network
4 "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"
--Network

13 "Houston, we have a problem."
--Apollo 13
6 "Open the pod bay doors, HAL."
--2001, A Space Odyssey

11 "Kmart sucks."
--Rain Man
6 "Open the pod bay doors, HAL."
--2001, A Space Odyssey

3 "Leave the gun, take the canoli."
--The Godfather
3 "Leave the gun, take the canoli."
--The Godfather

15 "You're not too smart, are you? I like that in a man."
--Body Heat
3 "Leave the gun, take the canoli."
--The Godfather

14 "You talkin' to me?"
--Taxi Driver
7 "You can't handle the truth."
--A Few Good Men

10 "Get busy living or get busy dying."
--The Shawshank Redemption
7 "You can't handle the truth."
--A Few Good Men

15 "You're not too smart, are you? I like that in a man."
--Body Heat
2 "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."
--Gone With the Wind

15 "You're not too smart, are you? I like that in a man."
--Body Heat

ACTION/SUSPENSE REGION
ROUND 1
ROUND 2
ROUND 3
ROUND 4
ROUND 5
1 "Go ahead, make my day."
--Sudden Impact

16 "Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?"
--Raiders of the Lost Ark
1 "Go ahead, make my day."
--Sudden Impact

8 "Get your stinkin' paws off me, you damn dirty ape."
--Planet of the Apes
1 "Go ahead, make my day."
--Sudden Impact

5 "You're going to need a bigger boat."
--Jaws
1 "Go ahead, make my day."
--Sudden Impact

3 "These aren't the 'droids we're looking for."
--Star Wars
3 "These aren't the 'droids we're looking for."
--Star Wars
8 "Get your stinkin' paws off me, you damn dirty ape."
--Planet of the Apes

9 "I love the smell of napalm in the morning."
--Apocalypse Now
5 "You're going to need a bigger boat."
--Jaws

12 "The first rule of fight club is you do not talk about fight club."
--Fight Club
5 "You're going to need a bigger boat."
--Jaws

13 "We don't need no stinkin' badges."
--Treasure of the Sierra Madre
4 "But I do love the taste of a good burger. Mm-mm-mm. You know what they call a quarter-pounder with cheese in France?"
--Pulp Fiction

13 "We don't need no stinkin' badges."
--Treasure of the Sierra Madre
6 "I'm funny how? I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to f---in' amuse you?"
--Goodfellas

11 "A census worker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."
--The Silence of the Lambs
11 "A census worker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."
--The Silence of the Lambs

3 "These aren't the 'droids we're looking for."
--Star Wars
3 "These aren't the 'droids we're looking for."
--Star Wars

2 "You've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"
--Dirty Harry
3 "These aren't the 'droids we're looking for."
--Star Wars

14 "Earn this."
--Saving Private Ryan
7 "I'm the king of the world!"
--Titanic

10 "Is it safe?"
--Marathon Man
10 "Is it safe?"
--Marathon Man

2 "You've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"
--Dirty Harry
2 "You've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"
--Dirty Harry

15 "E.T., phone home."
--E.T.

SPORTS REGION
ROUND 1
ROUND 2
ROUND 3
ROUND 4
ROUND 5
1 "I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing AstroTurf and the designated hitter."
--Bull Durham

16 "You do that, you go to the box, you know. Two minutes, by yourself, you know, and you feel shame. And then you get free."
--Slapshot
1 "I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing AstroTurf and the designated hitter."
--Bull Durham

9 "I'll make it."
--Hoosiers
1 "I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing AstroTurf and the designated hitter."
--Bull Durham

4 "There's no crying in baseball."
--A League of Their Own
4 "There's no crying in baseball."
--A League of Their Own

2 "I coulda been a contender. I could have been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am."
--On the Waterfront
4 "There's no crying in baseball."
--A League of Their Own
8 "Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth."
--Pride of the Yankees

9 "I'll make it."
--Hoosiers
5 "If you build it, he will come."
--Field of Dreams

12 "Laces out! Laces out!"
--Ace Ventura
5 "If you build it, he will come."
--Field of Dreams

4 "There's no crying in baseball."
--A League of Their Own
4 "There's no crying in baseball."
--A League of Their Own

13 "Hey, Yankees! You can take your apology and your trophy and shove it right up your a--!"
--The Bad News Bears
6 "Show me the money."
--Jerry Maguire

11 "You don't throw away a whole life just because it's banged up a little."
--Seabiscuit
6 "Show me the money."
--Jerry Maguire

3 "So I've got that going for me, which is nice."
--Caddyshack
3 "So I've got that going for me, which is nice."
--Caddyshack

2 "I coulda been a contender. I could have been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am."
--On the Waterfront
3 "So I've got that going for me, which is nice."
--Caddyshack

14 "Just a bit outside."
--Major League
7 "You're gonna eat lightning and you're gonna crap thunder."
--Rocky

10 "Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them."
--Tin Cup
7 "You're gonna eat lightning and you're gonna crap thunder."
--Rocky

2 "I coulda been a contender. I could have been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am."
--On the Waterfront
2 "I coulda been a contender. I could have been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am."
--On the Waterfront

15 "And they're going to keep calling us Cutters. To them it's just a dirty word. To me it's just something else I never got a chance to be."
--Breaking Away

FINALS
SEMIFINALS
CHAMPIONSHIP
WINNER
1 "I'll have what she's having."
--When Harry Met Sally

1 "Round up the usual suspects."
--Casablanca
1 "Round up the usual suspects."
--Casablanca

4 "There's no crying in baseball."
--A League of Their Own
1 "Round up the usual suspects."
--Casablanca
3 "These aren't the 'droids we're looking for."
--Star Wars

4 "There's no crying in baseball."
--A League of Their Own


Some general thoughts on the seeding ...

COMEDY

1. "I'll have what she's having." --When Harry Met Sally
This is a very funny, very clever line that perfectly caps off a painfully funny scene. It's so good, commercials have ripped it off shamelessly.

8. "Just a flesh wound." --Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Although I've always liked "I fart in your general direction" as well.

9. "I have one simple request. And that's to have sharks with friggin' lasers attached to their heads." --Austin Powers
Brilliantly and hilariously ridiculous.

5. "Nobody's perfect." --Some Like It Hot
One of the best closing lines ever to a movie.

12. "Shoot, a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all this." --Dr. Strangelove
Others to consider: "Gentleman, you can't fight here, this is the war room." "I told you never to call me here."

4. "I am serious. And don't call me Shirley." --Airplane!
There are several others from "Airplane!" that are just as funny, but this is the most famous.

13. "Donny, you're out of your element." --The Big Lebowski
I didn't love "The Big Lebowski" when it first came out, but a recent viewing had me howling.

6. "Plastics." --The Graduate
Became a virtual catch-word for a generation.

11. "No, I'm all man. I even fought in WWII. Of course, I was wearing ladies undergarments." --Ed Wood
OK, not the greatest movie in the world. But it's just a damn funny line.

3. "I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me." --Annie Hall
There is no way you can have a comedy region without some line from a Woody Allen movie. Although probably not one from "Interiors."

14 "And I guess that was your accomplice in the woodchipper." --Fargo
Yeah, I know. There should be an entire region devoted to the Coen brothers.

7. "Sorry, folks. Park's closed. Moose out front should have told you." --National Lampoon's Vacation
Ah, the late great John Candy. He could make the tax code funny.

10. "Nothing is over until we say it is. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?" --Animal House
Others that could have made it: "Double-secret probation." "There goes seven years of college down the drain." "Guess what I am now."

2. "These go to 11." --Spinal Tap
The best kind of line for our bracket. Funny as can be and one so well known that people will actually say it in normal conversation to make a point and get a laugh.

15. "Damn you, I'm not an actor. I'm a movie star!'' --My Favorite Year
If you've never seen "My Favorite Year,'' do yourself a favor. Rent it. Now.

CLASSICS/DRAMA

1. "Round up the usual suspects." --Casablanca
Others that could have gone here: "I'm shocked, shocked to find gambling going on in here!" "Here's looking at you, kid." "Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship." "If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life." "We'll always have Paris." "I remember every detail. The Germans wore gray. You wore blue." "There are certain sections of New York, Major, I wouldn't advise you to invade."

16. "I wish I knew how to quit you." --Brokeback Mountain
Funny, you never see this line used on stadium scoreboards before a rally.

8. "Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore." --The Wizard of Oz
Runner-up: "I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too."

9. "What we have here is a failure to communicate." --Cool Hand Luke
SNL did a skit many years ago in which Strother Martin is the guard at a French camp and says, "What we have here is a failure to communicate bi-lingually." It wasn't until I saw the movie years later that I understood why it got such big laughs and applause.

5. "To my big brother George. The richest man in town." --It's a Wonderful Life
Makes me tear up every time I hear it.

12. "I am big. It's the pictures that got small." --Sunset Boulevard
In addition to the Coens, Billy Wilder should have his own region.

4. "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!" --Network
If a quote is good enough to run on stadium scoreboards before a rally, it belongs on this list.

13. "Houston, we have a problem." --Apollo 13
A line repeated until it became a cliché.

6. "Open the pod bay doors, HAL." --2001, A Space Odyssey
Another one of those lines that is great to slip into conversation.

11. "K-Mart sucks." --Rain Man
For late-'80s lines, this is right up there with "Greed ... is good."

3. "Leave the gun, take the canoli." --The Godfather
So many possibilities from this movie, so little space.

14. "You talkin' to me?" --Taxi Driver
The classic DeNiro psycho line.

7. "You can't handle the truth." --A Few Good Men
I've also been partial to the line ripping Demi Moore for "strenuously objecting."

10. "Get busy living or get busy dying." --The Shawshank Redemption
Wise words, aren't they?

2. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." --Gone With the Wind
Just as good but not as repeated: "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

15. "You're not too smart are you? I like that in a man." --Body Heat
Kathleen Turner was so hot in this movie, even her insults were arousing.

ACTION

1. "Go ahead, make my day.'' --Sudden Impact
You heard this line everywhere when this movie came out.

16. "Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?'' --Raiders of the Lost Ark
I also like, "Asps. Very dangerous. You go first.''

8. "Get your stinkin' paws off me, you damn dirty ape.'' --Planet of the Apes
One of my absolute favorite lines of all time. And a great one to slip into conversation.

9. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning.'' --Apocalypse Now
Close runner-up: "Charlie don't surf.''

5. "You're going to need a bigger boat.'' --Jaws
The expression on Roy Scheider's face puts this line over the top.

12. "The first rule of fight club is you do not talk about fight club.'' --Fight Club
Runner-up: "The second rule of fight club is you do not talk about fight club.''

4. "But I do love the taste of a good burger. Mm-mm-mm. You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese in France? --Pulp Fiction
A Royale with cheese.

13. "We don't need no stinkin' badges.'' --Treasure of the Sierra Madre
One of my funniest memories covering baseball is when I walked into the Twins clubhouse with a press credential dangling around my neck and Juan Berenguer grabbed it in his hand, looked me in the eye and said "Badges? We don't need no stinkin' badges!," then laughed and walked away.

6. "I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to ----in' amuse you?'' --Goodfellas
And the thing is, you get the feeling that Joe Pesci wasn't necessarily acting when he said this.

11. "A census worker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.'' --The Silence of the Lambs
Admit it. You've never had fava beans again without thinking of Hannibal Lecter.

3. "These aren't the 'droids we're looking for.'' --Star Wars
Just beats out, "May the force be with you.''

14. "Earn this.'' --Saving Private Ryan
Short, powerful and sums up one of the best movies of the past decade or so.

7. "I'm the king of the world!''--Titanic
Repeated by every person at the top of every high building, tree, peak, stadium ...

10. "Is it safe?'' --Marathon Man
Is what safe? What the hell are you talking a ... AUGHHHH!! Yes, it's very safe! No, it's not safe at all! Just stop drilling into my teeth!''

2. "You've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?'' --Dirty Harry
"But being as this is a 44 magnum ... and would blow your head clean off.''

15. "E.T., phone home." --E.T.
No, "E.T." isn't really an action movie. But this line has to go somewhere.

SPORTS

1. "I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter.'' --Bull Durham
The best part of the greatest monologue in movie history.

16. "You do that, you go to the box, you know. Two minutes, by yourself, you know, and you feel shame. And then you get free.'' --Slap Shot
This gets in for two reasons. One, it's very funny. Two, it's one of the few lines from "Slap Shot" that we can run.

8. "Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.'' --Pride of the Yankees
A fantastic line but I deduct points because it wasn't written for a movie, but taken from real life.

9. "I'll make it.'' --Hoosiers
Another possibility was, "Strap, God wants you on the floor.''

5. "If you build it, he will come.'' --Field of Dreams
A line that sold a movie ... and many $300 million ballparks.

12. "Laces out! Laces out!'' --Ace Ventura
Speaking of voices inside your head ...

4. "There's no crying in baseball.'' --A League of Their Own
My favorite use of this line -- apart from the actual movie -- was a banner held up at the final game at Tiger Stadium: "Today there is crying in baseball.''

13. "Hey Yankees! You can take your apology and your trophy and shove it right up your ass!'' --The Bad News Bears
"And just wait until next year!''

6. "Show me the money.'' -- Jerry Maguire
Very, very close runner-up: "You had me at hello.'' Not quite so close runner-up: "You complete me.''

11. "You don't throw away a whole life just because it's banged up a little.'' --Seabiscuit
Runner-up: "I think it's better to break a man's leg than his heart.''

3. "So I've got that going for me, which is nice.'' --Caddyshack
Gunga galunga.

14. "Just a bit outside.'' --Major League
Now repeated by every fan at every sandlot and ballpark in the country.

7. "You're gonna eat lightning and you're gonna crap thunder.'' -- Rocky
Not quite as famous as "Yo, Adrian,'' but a whole lot better.

10. "Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.'' --Tin Cup
Not just a funny line, but he's right. Although I'm not so sure about golf.

2. "I coulda been a contender. I could have been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am.'' --On the Waterfront
Yeah, this probably should have gone into the Classics region but it was just so crowded there that I cheated a little and put it here.

15. "And they're going to keep calling us Cutters. To them it's just a dirty word. To me it's just something else I never got a chance to be.'' --Breaking Away
This is the end of a heart-breaking, beautifully written monologue. Another favorite is when Dave's dad takes him on a walk past the campus buildings he helped build and tells him, "You're not a Cutter. I'm a Cutter.''

Jim Caple is a senior writer for ESPN.com and Page 2.