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Friday, December 4, 2009
Too Short For A Column

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Golf clubs have been used to kill snakes, arm bump-hearing homeowners in the skinny hours of the night and get cats out from under cars.

But the way Tiger Woods' wife, Elin, used a golf club to allegedly free her husband from his wrecked Cadillac Escalade has to go down as the most famous non-golf use of one ever.

These would be next on the list:

2) Jack Nicholson, using a 3-iron, repeatedly whacks the 1969 Mercedes of a Mr. Robert S. Blank in the Toluca Lake section of Los Angeles in 1994. Nicholson had suggested that Mr. Blank had cut him off. Mr. Blank responded by locking all his car doors. Nicholson followed that by beating on the roof of the car numerous times, then moving to the front of the vehicle, where he shattered the windshield. There is no evidence that Nicholson was trying to free Mr. Blank from the vehicle.

3) Bob Hope's twirling of a wood as he entertained at nearly all 199 of his USO shows, beginning in 1942. In homage, Stephen Colbert did the same during his trip this year to Iraq.

4) Playing at the $40 million Trump International Golf Club in Florida in 2000, guest Harry Wagner is allegedly attacked by a six-foot black swan. The swan was one of four given to Trump by a friend, though one of the four was eaten by an alligator by then. Mr. Wagner is holding a 5-iron and whacks the bird until it's more than dead, claiming self-defense.

5) The future king of England, William, then 8, is knocked loopy by a classmate swinging a putter during supervised play at the school's putting green. (What? Your elementary school didn't have a putting green?) William is taken to a hospital, where he undergoes a 70-minute operation to push out the dent in his skull and remove bone splinters. As the operation proceeds, Prince Charles, his father, attends an opera.

6) At the 1997 MCI Classic, PGA Tour golfer Woody Austin misses a 30-foot putt and becomes so angry at himself that he slams the putter's shaft into his head five times, bending it.

The shaft, that is.

Not to give Mrs. Woods any ideas.

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