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Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Throw a Guy in the Lake: 05/26/10

The Texas State Board of Education just hit on a genius idea. They just made history by making history up.

With a conservative majority on the board, they're about to make sweeping changes in what Texas students will be taught and what will be written in textbooks about American history, including:

• Largely deleting the civil rights movement.

• Replacing any reference to "slave trade" with the "Atlantic triangular trade."

• Changing any reference to "democracy" to "constitutional republic."

• Treating Jefferson Davis the same as Abraham Lincoln.

• Describing the Civil War as a battle over states' rights, with reference to slavery minimized.

Well, why not? If you have the votes, who needs the truth? But why stop there? Now Texas needs to change sports history. For instance, Texan kids need to learn that:

• Roger Staubach was our 38th president.

• The Negro Leagues will now be referred to as "The Unaffiliated and Absolutely Fine with How Things Are Baseball Volunteers."

• Texas' George Foreman retained his world heavyweight championship when Cassius Clay was disqualified for using an unpatriotic name.

• In 1943, Sammy Baugh led the NFL in passing, punting and interceptions while also single-handedly routing the Germans at Salerno using nothing more than the forward pass and a Bowie knife.

• The Texas Longhorns were national champions of the 2009 college football season, then played an "honorary" and "non-registering" game against Alabama in 2010, which they didn't even take half seriously, playing their second-string QB.

• Dirk Nowitzki is now Dick (Bubba) Treetops, of Lubbock.

• Texas' Ben Hogan won the 1953 Grand Slam by winning all three majors.

• Tom Landry named greatest all-time thing ever, followed by George W. Bush and Bevo.

• Yes, the University of Texas was one of the last college football powers to integrate its team, but this is only because the American-Africans in school never made it clear they wanted to play football, despite being asked repeatedly by their white friends. The American-Africans always said, "We hadn't really thought about it. We're too busy not being angry about Atlantic triangular trade."

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