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THE SPORTING EQUIVALENCY

Who are your favorite celebs most like in the world of sports? Oh, we'll tell ya.

by Ted Bauer and Mag.Com Staff

Getty Images

Equivalency personified.


The line between entertainment and sports is perpetually blurred. Consider: Tony and Jessica, Helio and Jason Taylor on Dancing with the Stars and the simple fact that ESPN The Magazine is hiring editors away from Concept Magazine. As such, we decided to create a recurring Tuesday series equating various celebs to athletes. The collection is below. Enjoy!



Who would be like Steven Bochco in the major sports?
What is "The Sporting Equivalency?" Interestingly, because of the way our dad said it, we always assumed "Steve Bochco" was spelled "Steven Boccho." You learn something new every day, eh? In that vein, here's what we're going to teach you: who is like the popular TV series creator (he turns 65 today) in some of the major sports?
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Who is Buck Henry in the major sports?
What is "The Sporting Equivalency?" Decent birthday choices for this, including Tom Daschle. We decided to go with Buck Henry. Cue the peanut gallery: "Ha! That's not your demo!" Truth: it's not. But we like shouting out underrated performers. Henry has hosted Saturday Night Live more than 10 times, wrote To Die For (for our money, that's Nicole Kidman's best film) and has appeared in more than 40 flicks himself. Here we go.
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Who would be Naughty by Nature's Treach in the major sports?
What is "The Sporting Equivalency?" We had a few compelling options for "The Sporting Equivalency" today: Britney Spears turns 27 and Harry Reid turns 69. Frankly, both of those seemed a little easy and Tuesday mornings should be about two things: (1) getting excited for TBS running four straight Family Guy episodes that night and (2) challenges. Naughty by Nature rapper Treach turns 38 today, so we're gonna equate him to athletes. A few notes here: (1) Treach is almost 40? Wow; (2) he was married to Pepa? We had no idea and (3) no matter how you feel about rap music, you have to maintain some appreciation for Naughty by Nature. "O.P.P.," which samples Jackson Five, is an iconic song (No. 22 on VH1's Top 100 Hip-Hop Songs ever!) and "Hip Hop Hooray" has been used in more video games than a 10 year-old boy could play in a single afternoon. Here we go.
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Who in sports is like Christina Applegate?
What is "The Sporting Equivalency?" Christina Applegate turns 37 today. The woman is massively underrated. This is the same person who played Kelly Bundy—arguably the most iconic "teen vixen" character of the early 1990s—and held her own with Will Ferrell in Anchorman. Lesser-known fact: she won an Emmy in 2003 for a guest turn on Friends and now she's rocking out on Samantha Who? If you're confused as to why we keep talking her up, just watch this. As for who she's like in the major sports, click through.
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Leonardo DiCaprio's equivalents in NFL, MLB, NBA and college football
[For more Sporting Equivalency, go here.] Leonardo DiCaprio turns 34 today. We were a little surprised by this, because when you consider his body of work, you'd assume he's a smidge closer to 40. Say what you will about Leo—the haters do exist—but you know that you secretly loved him even back on Growing Pains. At 19, he was nominated for an Oscar for What's Eating Gilbert Grape (classic movie) and a few years later, he was the male lead in the highest-grossing flick of all-time. We decided to turn The Sporting Equivalency to the man. For the most part, we'll ignore Body of Lies.
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The Sporting Equivalency: Laura Bush
[Ed's note: Not sure what 'The Sporting Equivalency' is? Please click here.] On the day that her husband officially becomes a lame duck (insofar as he wasn't once the campaigns officially started), First Lady Laura Bush turns 62 today. Just because we're obsessed with this: she's sixty-two and Oliver Stone really had Elizabeth Banks play her? (Within three weeks of W, Banks played girlfriend-type roles to Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd.) We're turning 'Sporting Equivalency' to Ms. Bush, which means we're basically going to pick the First Lady of every sport. Should be fun.
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Who is Julia Roberts in the major sports?
[Ed's note: Not sure what 'The Sporting Equivalency' is? Please click here.] Julia Roberts turns 41 today. (Sheesh, we're all getting old.) There was absolutely no way for us to do 'Sporting Equivalency' on anyone except her. One word of caution before we commence: we typically equate celebs to only active athletes, but everyone knows Julia is Michael Jordan. How many female actresses in the last decade have been called "the next Julia Roberts?" Does that ring a bell, Harold Miner? How about for you, Kobe Bryant? Ever get tiresome? We really want Reese Witherspoon and LeBron James to appear on Dr.Phil and start crying: "Can't we just be the first one of us?" Ha. We're mean. Anyway, here we go with Julia.
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Who would be Ralph Lauren in the major sports?
[Ed's note: Not sure what 'The Sporting Equivalency' is? Please click here.] Ralph Lauren turns 69 today. We decided to turn 'The Sporting Equivalency' to him, mostly because we feel like hyperlinking a bunch of well-dressed athletes on a Tuesday morning. It'll be fun, we promise. Side note No. 1: did you know Lauren's nephew Greg is married to Elizabeth Berkley (aka Jessie Spano)? We had no idea. Side note No. 2: it's also Harry Anderson's birthday. Is it us, or did Night Court completely disappear from syndication in the last few years? Sad.
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Thom Yorke = Dikembe Mutombo?
[Ed's note: Not sure what 'The Sporting Equivalency' is? Please click here.] A few weeks ago, we hit a brewery tour with one of our friends. As expected, the back end of it was fairly ugly, but here's what eased the situation: he has 336 Radiohead songs on his IPod (including, we think—things were a bit fuzzy—a cover of "You Can Call Me Al"). This led to a discussion of how cool Thom Yorke is, including the fact that he's a huge rock star (in all logical definitions of the word) yet doesn't date a supermodel or anything. His girlfriend, Rachel Owen, is a printmaker. Yorke turns 40 today, so we're turning the Sporting Equivalency on him (Side note: Putin turns 56 today, if you're interested in Russian power politics.)
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Eric Stoltz and T-Mac. Seems logical, eh?
[Ed's note: Not sure what 'The Sporting Equivalency' is? Please click here.] Went to a bachelor party about a year ago and got in a huge argument about what flick should have won Best Picture in 1994. In case you forgot, the nominees were: Forrest Gump (won), Four Weddings and a Funeral, Pulp Fiction, Quiz Show and The Shawshank Redemption. Seriously, how ridiculous a year is that for filmmaking? We've always been partial to Pulp Fiction—non-linear storytelling!—but one of our friends was arguing for Forrest Gump and another for Tim Robbins and company. Got pretty heated, resulted in an awkward silence at the bar. Lame. You know what isn't? Eric Stoltz (dude turns 47 today). Haven't seen him in a lot recently? No fear. He's in the upcoming Gus Van Sant pic Milk. Let's equate Stoltz to some athletes.
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Bruce Springsteen has to be like George Steinbrenner, right?
[Ed's note: Not sure what 'The Sporting Equivalency' is? Please click here.] September 23 has some interesting birthdays: obscure athletes (Eric Montross, Pete Harnisch), some-would-argue-revolutionary athletes (Brandon Jennings is 19 today), embarrassing athletes (Ricky Davis) and one icon: Mr. Bruce Springsteen. He seemed a good candidate for The Sporting Equivalency.
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Jennifer Tilly dates a poker player. Does that make her similar to Avery Johnson? Well, kind of.
[Ed's note: Not sure what 'The Sporting Equivalency' is? Please click here.] Academy Award-nominated actress Jennifer Tilly turns 50 [Ed's note: Terrifying] today. Alternatively best known as a generally annoying minx character and a poker player, here's something you may not known: she was married to Simpsons co-creator Sam Simon for seven years. Odd. (She currently dates poker player Phil "Unabomber" Laak, who likely has the most "Too soon?" nickname in all of televised sports). We decided to turn Sporting Equivalency to her, mostly because we loved her in Bride of Chucky.
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The FOX News bigshot = Spencer Hawes?
[Ed's note: Not sure what 'The Sporting Equivalency' is? Please click here.] FOX News stalwart Bill O'Reilly turns 59 today (to read a good take on O'Reilly from one of his colleagues, go here) and we couldn't resist a chance to liken him to various athletes. Click on through.
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Who would the Speed star be in the major sports?
Keanu Reeves turns 44 today (is it wrong to be scared by the fact that Reeves is almost 50 years old?) The dude has had some big hits—Point Break, Speed and The Matrix flicks, but he has dropped off a little recently (think The Lake House and Scanner Darkly.) Who would Reeves be in the major sports, as he tries to revive his career with The Day the Earth Stood Still? Let's turn to The Sporting Equivalency to find out.
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Will Shortz would be what NBA player?
Will Shortz turns 56 today. Talk about a monopoly on one industry, eh? Shortz is the only known person to hold a degree in enigmatology (the study of puzzles) after he created a program for himself at Indiana. He edits one of the most popular puzzles in the world, and his abilities have landed him on Oprah's couch—and in our video player. Bonus: Wordplay is an amazing movie. We're turning Sporting Equivalency to Mr. Shortz. What's a seven-letter word for championship catcher?
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The Sporting Equivalency: John Stamos
Tuesdays are cool for two reasons: Family Guy mini-marathon on TBS and The Sporting Equivalency over here. The former? Self-explanatory. The latter? We take members of pop culture and equate them to athletes. Want to see examples? Go right here. Today we had two compelling, if drastically different, birthday options: former U.S. President Bill Clinton and Full House star John Stamos. We went the latter because, well, the jokes came a little easier. On three: "You lost your wife to the guy who played the fat kid in Stand By Me!" Hey-o! Here we go.
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The Sporting Equivalency: Casey Affleck
Hey, it's Casey Affleck's birthday! Snickering from the peanut gallery: who cares? We want Ben! He's the one with Jennifer and the bankable movies, right? Eh, to an extent. Consider: Casey's first film role was To Die For, arguably one of the most underrated movies of the 1990s (possibly Nicole Kidman's best-ever role). He was in Good Will Hunting too, dropped in to Ocean's Eleven, was pretty awesome in Gone Baby Gone, and got an Oscar nod for The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. Bonus: Summer Phoenix, his wife, is also quite attractive. Overall, what we're saying is simple: don't always assume Casey is the "lesser" Affleck. This situation arises often in sports too. To the Sporting Equivalency!
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The Sporting Equivalency: Miley Cyrus
On a car trip this weekend, one of our staffers heard the (relatively) new song "Shake It" by Metro Station. His friend remarks to him, "You know the lead singer of this band is Miley Cyrus' brother?" A cursory Wikipedia search revealed that yes, Trace Cyrus is the half-brother of the teen queen, and Billy Ray has adopted him. Two things spring to mind: how is it that the guy who sang Achy Breaky Heart has two bankable children? AND, just how huge can Miley Cyrus get? She was all over the Teen Choice Awards last night, has a big movie dropping next May, is a YouTube sensation, and—scary part here—her songs are actually pretty decent. We're dedicating Sporting Equivalency to her.
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The Sporting Equivalency: The Joker
Every Tuesday we do the Sporting Equivalency, where we take a member of the broader pop culture and find his or her equivalent. Normally we do an actor, or a winsome pop-singer, but we decided to try something different this week. We're picking a character—and what more intense character have we seen recently than the Joker?
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The Sporting Equivalency: Willem Dafoe
One of the funniest three-second gags in Family Guy history is Stewie freaking out about Willem Dafoe sleeping under his bed. Wouldn't you? The master of cinematic intensity—side note: did you know he owns a restaurant with John C. McGinley? Odd—turns 53 today and as a result, we're turning The Sporting Equivalency on him. Who's he like in the major sports?
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Who is Forest Whitaker in the major sports?
Tuesday this week: Ben Sheets vs. Cliff Lee in a battle to the death! Kidding; it'll probably just be flesh wounds. Tuesdays every week: The Sporting Equivalency, where we take a member of broad pop culture and find his or her sports world equivalents. Today: birthday boy Forest Whitaker, turning 47 as we attempt to figure out just what MLB player might best represent the Academy Award winner.
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The sports equivalents of Brendan Fraser
Brendan Fraser is literally everywhere. He's got a movie opening this weekend (Journey to the Center of the Earth), one opening in two weekends (another in The Mummy series), will be part of the summer 2009 live-action G.I. Joe movie (Channing Tatum is the lead!), and even talked to our man Sam Alipour a few weeks back on a red carpet about his role in School Ties. It's a long time since Encino Man, eh? (Sixteen years. Wow.) We now turn Sporting Equivalency to the often goofy, but always reliable leading man.
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Who is Will Smith in the major sports?
July 4th is coming up, which understandably holds quite different meanings for all citizens. The one constant? There's bound to be a Will Smith movie dropping and lo and behold, there is! Hancock, which appears to be about some kind of down-on-his-luck superhuman who may or may not be advised by Jason Bateman and dating Charlize Theron, opens this weekend. It's going to make more money than anyone reading (or writing!) this post would see in 15 lifetimes, so that's cool. More importantly, though (money isn't everything!): what up with Will Smith? Is he unquestionably the best crossover artist of all-time? (He's had large success in three entertainment mediums) Is he a consummate action star or a legitimately quality actor (reference: Six Degrees of Separation, The Pursuit of Happyness, even Ali)? Is there a better jam for this time of year than Summetime? The guy's amazing. We're dedicating Sporting Equivalency to him. Bonus side note: Smith turned down Keanu Reeves' part in The Matrix. BBQ debate topic for the weekend: is that movie better or worse with him in it, and is he an even bigger star if he ended up taking it? Discuss.
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Who is Al Czervik in the major sports?
A couple of things happened this week to spark this post. First, we had a friend in town; walked past legendary comedy club Dangerfield's, and the dude says to us: "Does he still perform there?" We waited a beat, then broke the news: "Uh, he's dead." (In defense of our friend, we work for ESPN and just realized Wilt Chamberlain was dead about four years ago.) Then, Caddyshack was on VH1's "Movies That Rock" this weekend. Epic film: just look at this, this, and this. George Carlin passed over the weekend, and yesterday another friend says to us, "Some of the funniest people ever are dying." To keep the memory alive, we're turning "Sporting Equivalency" on Dangerfield's most iconic character (apologies to fans of Back to School and Ladybugs), Al Czervik in Caddyshack. Read this post if ya wanna make 14 dollars the hard way. HEY-O!
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Who is Greg Kinnear in the major sports?
On Tuesdays, we do a lil' piece called "The Sporting Equivalency," whereby we take a non-athlete and equate him to various athletes in the four major sports. Today, we honor the 45th birthday of Greg Kinnear by wondering: who exactly in Major League Baseball could possibly be Tina Fey's love interest in Baby Mama?
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Who is Bobby Jindal in the major sports?
Tuesdays mean The Sporting Equivalency, in which we equate a figure in popular culture to athletes in the four major sports (we might have to expand this summer because of Olympic buzz). We were overjoyed to learn this morning that it's Bobby Jindal's birthday. Said a dude a few cubicles over: "The dude from The Sopranos?" Naw. The governor of Louisiana and a possible McCain VP choice. FYI: he turns 37 today. Dude's still three years out from 40 and he might be Vice President? Awesome. [Ed's note: Or depressing.] So who's he like in MLB already?
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The Sporting Equivalency: Family Guy
Normally on Tuesdays, we do The Sporting Equivalency, where we take a pop culture figure and liken him/her to athletes in the four major sports. Examples can be found here. Today, we wanted to play with the format a bit. Because the upcoming NBA Finals is all anyone wants to discuss, we thought we'd take key players from that series and equate them to characters on a popular TV program. First thought: SportsCenter anchors! Then we realized: too inside. Next thought: Family Guy. One of the best shows on television and if you want to argue that, just know this: in media, the market often sets the value and Seth McFarlane did just ink up with FOX for $100 million. Now, as for who Kobe would be in Quahog, read on.
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The Sporting Equivalency: Paul Bettany
On Tuesdays, we do a little thing called The Sporting Equivalency whereby we liken members of popular culture to athletes. For a bunch of previous examples, go here. (As a side note, check out this photo of Eric Gagne from late last week in which he looks exactly like Seth Rogen, our first-ever Equivalency. Did we miss the boat?) We had a bunch of choices today for the subject: Peri Gilpin (Roz!), Andre 3000 (!) and troubled Different Strokes star Todd Bridges. Instead, we're going with Paul Bettany. He's a rising acting superstar and boy, oh boy, do we love his wife.
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Cher is like Bill Belichick? Wait, what?
Tuesdays at this site mean many things, one of which is Sporting Equivalency. We take a member of "popular culture" (usually one celebrating a birthday) and liken them to athletic figures. We've tackled two kings of Hollywood , and now it's time for a queen. Right now: Cher's Sporting Equivalency. (It's her birthday today!)
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Stephen Colbert is funny, for sure. Does that make him like any athletes?
Tuesdays at this site mean many things, one of which is Sporting Equivalency. We take a member of "popular culture" (usually one celebrating a birthday) and liken them to athletic figures. We've tackled two kings of Hollywood , and now it's time for a king of satire. Or maybe a prince, if Jon Stewart is king. It depends on your tastes, honestly, but for now: Stephen Colbert's Sporting Equivalency.
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George Clooney must be like Derek Jeter. Right? RIGHT?
This is how cool George Clooney is: pretty much the entirety of his Oscars red carpet interview with Regis Philbin was about the Notre Dame basketball game earlier in the day. Despite the fact that he had a ridiculously hot girl hanging off his arm , owns mansions in Italy and is arguably "The Last Great Movie Star" (as TIME Magazine called him), he's still a sports nut, and boys with our soon-to-be columnist Rick Reilly (coming in a month!); they worked together on Leatherheads. Today, as Clooney turns 47, we dedicate our Sporting Equivalency feature to him. Who's like him in the four major sports? Well, one springs to mind right away.
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What's the deal with Jerry Seinfeld and equivalency?
On Tuesdays, we've been doing a thing called The Sporting Equivalency. Basically, take a figure from pop culture. What athletes is he most like? We've done Seth Rogen and Jack Nicholson so far. Today, to commemorate his 54th birthday, we're tackling Jerry Seinfeld. What's the deal with sporting equivalency, anyway? And what's the deal with this?
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HEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S JACK... and his equivalency
Seeing as how the lines have been completely blurred between entertainment and sports in the past few years — Leinart and Hilton! Tony and Eva! Jessica and Tony! The last new editor we hired was from CONCEPT Magazine! — we're trying out a new feature in these parts. Called "The Sporting Equivalency," it takes a member of popular culture and links him/her to an equivalent athlete in the four major sports. Equivalent how? That's for us to decide. We did Seth Rogen last week on his birthday; today "The Granddady of Them All" Jack Nicholson (sorry, Mr. Musburger!) turns 71, so it's his turn. This should be fun.
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Seth Rogen = Adam Dunn (and more!)
[Ed's note: From time to time, we like to equate members of popular culture to athletics. It keeps us trendy! Here goes nothing.] Seth Rogen turns 26 today, which is no minor matter here. See, Rogen is a pudgy, goofy, not-necessarily-even-that-funny guy, but he's blown up to a pop culture awareness level we can't even fathom. Frankly, it gives all of us hope; the kind of hope we imagine Judd Nelson's rise through The Brat Pack gave our predecessors (like our old boss). Consider: Rogan was recently called "Comedy's new center of gravity" and has been a key player or star in the massive The 40 Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up, and Superbad.
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