They're having a parade because the New York Yankees won the title? Why not throw one because a bear ate a salmon? Or a hurricane knocked over a trash can? Hey, the bully just gave the nerd a wedgie! Let's throw a parade!

Look, the Yankees played well. But isn't that what the Yankees are supposed to do? They paid their players almost twice as much as the Phillies team they beat -- $208M to $111M. Just the Yankees starting infield made more than 15 teams this year. Throw them a parade? I don't get it. So what? George Clooney got a girl, Paris Hilton slept in satin sheets last night and Bill Gates went to the bank. Call me when you've got some news.

Oh -- and the next Yankees fan who looks to the heavens and sighs happily, "It's been nine long years!" gets tied to the front of the 4 train and run into a wall. Nine years? Nine years is a cigarette break to most teams in MLB. Chicago Cubs fans are at 101 years and counting. Cleveland Indians' fans: 62. New York/San Francisco Giants: 55. Pittsburgh Pirates: 30. Gee, nine whole years? The Boston Red Sox waited 86 years for theirs. The Chicago White Sox -- 88! There are people in swine flu lines longer than nine years.

Hope your parade takes a wrong turn off a pier.

It's entirely possible that, this weekend, you could be watching Hawaii quarterback Bryant Moniz deliver spirals on your TiVo when the doorbell rings and there will stand Moniz himself, delivering your pizza.

That's because Moniz is not just the starting QB for the Rainbow Warriors, he's also a pizza delivery guy in Manoa, Hawaii. The sophomore from Wahiawa, Oahu, is a walk-on who still doesn't have a scholarship. He got the starting job October 10 when starter Greg Alexander went down the week before.

Moniz, who is also raising a child, couldn't afford to give up the pizza job, so now he's going to school, starting at QB, and raising a family, all in 30 minutes or less. He's the pizza guy with everything on him.

Hawaii fans go pie-eyed when Moniz shows up with their pepperonis. He may be the only delivery guy in America who gets invited inside for pictures and autographs.

Unfortunately, Moniz is 0-4 as a starter. And you just know that sometime Moniz will be standing there after being paid, his hand out, asking for a tip, when the lady will go, "Yeah, stop throwing off your back foot" and close the door.

Response to the column about the death of tailgating has been spilling out the office windows and onto the sidewalks. Turns out tailgaters of all sports are mad as hell and aren't going to take it anymore.

I'll say it again. Get out of your lawn chairs and stop the madness! Fans need "Tailgating is Not a Crime" T-shirts. Fans need organized protests. Mostly, fans need to send protest letters to team presidents and university officials with limburger cheese inside. Believe me, they'll relent.

You overlooked arguably the biggest football school in the state of Michigan. While the crackdown on tailgating isn't happening in surrounding parking lots, the city of Ann Arbor has been attempting to silence and contain the pregame festivities at several houses that lead up to the stadium which have long been a part of the pregame tradition. Students are fighting back though, as protests have been organized recently. We will not go quietly!

-- Alex Moyer (Ann Arbor, Mich.)

Citi Field, Mets. Five friends and I met for the weekend to attend a Yankee and a Met game. Pulled into parking lot at 5:30 p.m. going to have one beer and go into check out the stadium. We are all 40-plus and had my white Mini Van. Two sips. Undercover (cop) comes by and asks for IDs. (Said) we didn't have cups to pour cans into so we were cited for open container in parking lot. We offered to dump the beer but were told too late. Five $25 citations that took 45 minutes to write. Was told no open flames or cooking, open containers, scalping (right) or no having fun (made that one up). Welome to Citi Field -- empty, bad team, undercover pompus rent-a-jerks.

-- Doug Jones (Sauquoit, N.Y.)

Amen! I was recently at the Colorado-Kansas game, and we've been going to the same tailgating spot (in Boulder) on the top of the parking garage by the engineering building for 10 years. Sure enough, (there were) cops threatening to give tickets to anyone tailgating! They instructed us to a parking lot NEXT to the parking garage for tailgating. A parking lot that requires a parking permit, not paid parking. Friggin pinko commies.

-- Jeff Fawcett (Denver/Colorado)

(Harvard) banned U-Hauls and anything similar (including fun) from Yale-Harvard games around 7-9 yrs ago.

-- Randy (NYC)

I am a student at Western Michigan University. This weekend was our biggest football game of the year -- Central Michigan. At 3 p.m. sharp, police stormed the parking lot demanding everybody leave. We barely had time to pack up our car before police on horseback came and herded us out of the parking lot like livestock. I understand what they are trying to do with this 3-hour time limit, but they have to understand that they are failing. Anyone can see this is done to prevent excessive drinking. However, by setting the allowable time to begin tailgating at 3 hours before the game and then kicking us out promptly at kickoff, all they are doing is setting up a shot clock (pun intended). Suddenly students are drinking against the clock. Isn't binge drinking exactly what these universities should be trying to prevent?

-- Jay (Kalamazoo, Mich.)

Try tailgating at Coors Field for the World Series. Arrived two hours early in our season ticket parking lot, parked, got out, opened beers, lit cigars. Within five minutes, told to stop by roaming parking lot tailgating police. Thanks Mr. Coors for not allowing 30 minutes of celebration for years of suffering.

-- Marv Spyker (Frisco, Colo.)

Opening Day at Citizens Bank Stadium. Me and my friends go down early to tailgate but the lot we were in was not allowed to tailgate and was punishable by a fine of 50 bucks! If we got there early we were not allowed to sit outside the car and listen to music and eat and drink.

-- Andrew (Philadelphia, Pa.)

Just as all preseason football polls should be illegal -- how can you rank teams who haven't played yet? -- so should there be a permanent ban on phony-as-Velveeta "Heisman Race" polls until halfway through the season.

Well, we're halfway through the season and anybody who still has Tim Tebow or Colt McCoy at the top of their polls must've just emerged from prison in Reykjavik.

The undisputed king right now is running back Mark Ingram, the main reason Alabama is undefeated and No. 2 in the BCS. He has the helmet, the right leg and the stiffarm already in his pocket.

Tebow? The man has only 8 passing TDs. Ingram has that many rushing, and another three receiving! Eight touchdowns? Oklahoma's Sam Bradford won a tight Heisman race last year with 50! Eight TDs? Does Tebow have the swine flu?

You say Tebow led the game-winning comeback for Florida against Arkansas. I say Tebow's six sacks and two lost fumbles were the reason his team was behind in the first place. Oh, by the way, Ingram has zero lost fumbles this year. He ran for 246 yards and 1 TD against South Carolina Saturday.

In fact, this would be my vote if I had to cast today:

1. Ingram
2. Ingram
3. Ingram
4. Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame
5. Ingram

And yet, Tebow remains on top of Heisman polls now for no known apparent reason. If he were to win it in a rubber-stamp vote, it would be the worst miscarriage of the vote since Gino Toretta (1992). Pretend you never heard of Tebow or the fact that he will someday run the United Nations. The man ranks 84th in passing yardage. Eighty-fourth!

Ingram is the man now. He is on pace to run for over 1500 yards -- and most of that against merciless SEC defenses. He wears Johnny Musso's old No. 22, and -- not that it matters -- but Alabama still has never had a Heisman Trophy winner.

Remember, if we ran the world based on the polls people took before things got going, Hillary Clinton would be president today.

Spent the weekend in Austin, Texas, for the Austin City Limits Music Festival (best in show: The Airborne Toxic Event), some UT football reporting and my yearly lesson in How to Save Words, Texas Style.

My English-to-Texan dictionary:

Are you doubting that Colt McCoy is a fine quarterback? = You think ol' Colt cain't play?

Absolutely he can = Hail he cain't!

You should consider attending = You prolly orta go.

You and your friends would do well to consider attending = All y'all prolly orta go.

Perhaps we should do that = We might could.

You and your friends probably shouldn't have hijacked the Sooner Schooner = All y'all prolly ort not a stolt the Schooner.

Since you and your friends each own very slow boats, is it possible to transport everybody at once on them? = Can all y'all's trawls haul all y'all?

This week, the person we're throwing in the lake is: Me.

On the day of the Rockies home opener this past season, I was asked by KOA radio (Denver) if the local team could make the playoffs.

Playoffs? Were they smoking rope? The Rockies lost their best player -- Matt Holliday -- had a poorer pitching staff and were coming off a rotten 2008.

"I will tongue-bathe the Capitol dome if the Rockies make the playoffs," I said, smugly.

By the middle of May, I was looking clairvoyant. The Rockies were 10 games under .500 and about to fire their manager, Clint Hurdle. My tongue was safe.

But then the Rockies hired Jim Tracy and started playing like they all showered daily at Lourdes. They wound up 22 games above .500 and won the wild-card entry in the National League.

Me and my dome ideas.

A man is only good as his word. So, Tuesday afternoon, with a bottle of Purell, a bottle of Scope, Colorado Gov. Bill Ritter, Jr. and Denver mayor John Hickenlooper, I climbed the 96 steps from the third floor of the capitol building to the dome, as a man might to his own hanging.

The dome is the size of an Applebee's restaurant. I'd need to be Gene Simmons to tongue bathe the whole thing.

My wife, Cynthia, gave me a kiss. "Don't expect another for a long time," she said.

Nobody was ever meant to be inside the dome, but there we were among the unfinished planks and rickety walks. The window I was to lean out was floor-to-ceiling, with nothing to hang onto, and nobody brought any ropes or harnesses. Should a man die simply because he has a big mouth?

My son held on to one belt loop and the governor had the other as I leaned out. The gold-plated part is a good foot from the window, so I had to lean out well over a precipitous 100-foot drop, which was terrifying. Not to me, to Hickenlooper. He's afraid of heights.

"No! This is crazy! Get back in here!" he kept saying.

But I leaned out far enough -- thank you, Levi's -- pretended the dome was a Dairy Queen butterscotch-dipped cone and took a large St. Bernard lick. It was gritty and metallic and dusty. In the 119-year history of the dome, I guess I'm the first guy to know that.

The governor and my son pulled me back in by my loops and a man from KOA said, "So, what did it taste like?"

"Crow," I said.

Every now and then somebody sends me a catch too good not to pass along. Ben Axline of Shelby County High School in Shelbyville, Ky., is the kid making the second catch in this clip. Seen guys do this with soccer balls on Barcelona street corners, but never in a football game. For a touchdown no less!

Volleyball
The Fugg Cupps (Chris Tweedy, Wilkes-Barre, Pa.)

Bowling
Define Statutory (Kevin, Holmdel, N.J.)

Flag Football
Tap That Pass (Blake, Boiling Springs, N.C.)

Fantasy Football

From fantasyteamnames.net:

What would Jones-Drew?
Favre dollar foot long
Sproles Royce
Battlescar Gramatica
Peyton Makes it Wayne
Forgetting Brandon Marshall
Pizza Cutler
The New York Tynes
Takin' a Whisehunt
Vick of the Litter
The T.No Show

And my favorite: I'm Berrian Bernard

Five Things I Learned The Hard Way From Anchoring SportsCenter from L.A. Last Week:

1) Don't forget your pants.
I thought my pants were on the same hanger as my coat. They weren't. So I thought, "No problem. I've heard anchors just wear jeans with their suitcoats anyway, because you can't see the pants under the desk on the set. That would've worked, except I had to do a stand-up that night. So I had to borrow Stan Verrett's pants. Beautiful fabric. They fit perfectly. Please do not tell Stan.

2) When the man is counting down in your ear, it does not mean you are supposed to just stop talking and listen to the man count.
Very bad. Very, very bad

3) Sometimes the top 10 plays are not just 10.
Sometimes they are 11. This is something I did not know. For instance, on Friday night, when it came time for me to give the No. 2 top play of the night, I had no idea that the paragraph underneath that play on the shot sheet was ALSO No. 2. Apparently, the same outfielder had thrown out TWO people that night, so some clever PA in Bristol decided to make it a two-part top play. (I am now philosophically opposed to this idea.) I just finished my one highlight and looked up with a self-satisfied grin, oblivious. Luckily, my co-anchor, Neil Everett, possibly the smartest and kindest man in the world, saw that I was about to blunder and picked me up. He said, "Wow, you got a double top 10 play! Your luck! Because (such-and-such outfielder) gunned down (such-and-such runner) at the plate three innings later!" So it all came off as though we'd actually planned it. I can honestly say I would have Neil Everett's baby.

4) You do not have to sit perfectly erect the entire 60 minutes.
In fact, you hardly have to sit erect at all, only during the times that you're on camera. I did not realize this. Apparently, I sat there like the Lincoln Memorial without so much as crooking an eyebrow for 60 minutes, much to the amusement of the camera guys. And my back and stomach were sore for two days afterward.

5) There is no delete key.
It's live, so if you screw up, it's out there. Or, as Chris Berman told me, "It's off to Pluto and possibly Uranus. Let it go." But when you get it right, it's a rush like you used to get playing high school sports. And on the rare occasions I did get it right, I kept turning to high-five Neil. But it turns out when I stopped talking, that meant it was Neil's turn to talk, so that didn't go over all that well.

Perhaps that's six.

Many of my genius readers capital-s Scoffed at my Lamest Ace, the one that I finally made after 694 tries over two days on a tiny par 3 course outside Denver. Many of them said it was illegitimate, unsanctioned, even "desperate."

To which I say, "And what's your point exactly?"

Here's a smattering of those who wanted to rub it in:

Looks like the hole-in-one bar has been set a little higher. Former Pirate pitcher Steve Blass had two in one round the other day (Thursday, Sept. 10 at Greensburg Country Club in Greensburg, Pa.) Grab your son and head back to the pitch and putt.

-- Adam (Pittsburgh)

How can a guy who couldn't get it over the plate from 60'6'' suddenly not miss from 500?

My friend, Dan Johnson, was playing in a tournament and a red convertible Mustang was the prize for a hole in one. He took his clubs off the cart and put them in the trunk of the 'Stang, saying, "Just want to make sure they fit." And they did and he won the car. And guess what, I won a car, too! Took the cash instead and I think I have paid for my golfing for many years to come.

-- Louisa Piper (Salt Lake City)

Sorry, don't believe it. Need proof. No way. Funny move, though, fitting the clubs in the trunk beforehand. Worth stealing.

I was not playing too well so I bet my friend that I could play in something like two over par with only a putter the rest of the round. Well, I lost the bet, but on the second hole with the putter I made my ace. Years of golfing and my ace comes with a putter!

-- Jeff Sommerville (Alma, Mich.)

That is not an ace. That's a long putt. Still, I'd count it.

I took my girlfriend out for the first time a few years ago to the local pitch-and-putt. Her third time out, she aced the 62-yard 2nd. Her seventh time out, she holed the 85-yard 9th. I'm pretty sure she hasn't played since. Meanwhile, I'm still waiting for my first. We're married now, so maybe she can finally teach me.

--Max Waugh (Seattle)

This is grounds for divorce. Cruel and unusual punishment.

On Firestone's North Course, par 3 No. 8, my playing partner hit his tee shot right to a hole bordered by a large oak and cart path on one side and water on the other. The ball hit the cart path, went up in the tree, rattled around, came down hitting the curb of the cart path and shot across the green and hit the flagstick squarely and fell into the hole. True story. They don't ask you how, they ask you how many.

-- Terry Menges (Dover, Ohio)

Lot of guys don't have that shot.

When is a hole-in-one actually a par? At St. Andrews in Scotland! My brother-in-law was on a Par 3, which shared a green with another hole. He hit his shot, pulled it left and promptly sunk it in the hole where some fellas were finishing their hole. They watched it come down a hill and cheered as it went in!! According to St. Andrews it had never happened before and they didn't know what to do. They finally decided to give him a par.

-- Clarke Miller (Annapolis)

By rule, he should've treated the "wrong" hole as an obstruction and taken a free drop. He should've pulled the ball out of the cup, dropped it no closer to the (actual) hole and putted. If he'd two-putted, THAT would have been a par. Me, I'd just tell people I knocked it in the hole in one shot and leave the details out. Then again, I'm desperate.

U know what? I think i'll try to sneak a little fastball by him here. —Ralph Branca, 1951

Anybody seen my helmet? —Thurman Thomas, 1992

There's like a minute left in this stupid Super Bowl and I've only got two catches. I'm SO signing with the Bengals. —David Tyree, 2008

Forget Carmelo Anthony. Forget Dwyane Wade. The Detroit Pistons are about to take the No. 2 pick and make NBA draft history! —Joe Dumars, 2003

Damn, I hate fighting hungry. —Mike Tyson, 1997

We only need to dispense with the puny Americans, then knock off Sweden and the gold medal is ours! Long live the Revolution! —Vladislav Tretiak, 1980

As popularized on Facebook, let me be the 100 millionth American to tell you "25 Random Things About Me."

(1) I was once on the game show "Scrabble," hosted by Chuck Woolery. Won $3,000.
(2) Reggie Jackson once threatened to throw me out of his private plane over the Hopi Indian Reservation in northwest Arizona. He wasn't kidding.
(3) I've holed shots from the fairway six times but never had a hole-in-one.
(4) I'm allergic to dogs, cats, horses, cows, sheep, everything. Covering the Kentucky Derby just about kills me.
(5) When I was 19, I worked the graveyard shift at Lavito's All-Night Sandwich Shop in Escondido, Calif., where there was a baseball bat under the cash register in case we got robbed.
(6) I really hate to write. Abhor it. I write at restaurants and bars, so I don't feel so abjectly alone.
(7) I originally tried to be a broadcaster, but the guy said my voice was too nasal.
(8) I'm married to the 1980 Junior Miss California.
(9) President Gerald Ford once stepped on my foot.
(10) I was once in a car with Charles Barkley when the steering wheel came off in his hands. Yes, he was sober.
(11) Howard Cosell is the biggest jerk I ever met. Nasty, nasty guy.
(12) I can do magic tricks, just enough to annoy people.
(13) My brother gives me an amazing amount of good column ideas.
(14) I've never covered the Indy 500, but in 31 years of sportswriting, I guess I've covered everything else.
(15) I've been a grocery bagger, rental-shop clerk, lawn mower, book packer, 7-Eleven cashier, flower deliverer, bank teller, gas jockey and car washer.
(16) When I first started out at Sports Illustrated at 27, I was so nervous I had to be hospitalized twice with stomach ulcers.
(17) My sons have strawberry hair and my daughter is from Korea. They are much cooler than me.
(18) I was so short in ninth grade that the jocks used to pick on me. Then I grew 10 inches in two and a half years.
(19) I won a writing contest in first grade and they put my story up in a bank window.
(20) The moment North Carolina State upset Houston in Albuquerque in the 1983 NCAA basketball final is the loudest sound I've ever heard.
(21) Tiger Woods sometimes gooses me when he passes from behind.
(22) I once drove a 1965 Volvo with a hole in the floorboard so big you could watch the road go by under your feet.
(23) I often wish I'd been Harry Connick, Jr.…Or Bill Gates Jr.
(24) I've been to every state but North Dakota.
(25) Person I'd most like to meet: Dave Barry.