FAKE RESUMÉ

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Six days a week he's a football player. But on Sunday, he's an entertainer.

Ocho Cinco didn't show up to the Bengals optional workouts this week, and many say the writing is on the wall. Looks like he should be getting his resumé ready …


CHAD JOHNSON

Wide Receiver/Entertainer/Life Coach

Objectives:

• Obtain a starting wide receiver position for a contender in the National Football League.
• Continue to put fools on notice.

• Santa Monica Junior College — 1997-2000
  Can you imagine me and Steve Smith on the same side of the field? But who would ever want to throw him the ball? That guy's like five-one.
• Oregon State University — 2000-2001
  Me and Housh were unstoppable, even in college. But who would ever want to throw him the ball? That guy's name is so hard to pronounce.
• Cincinnati Bengals — 2001-Present (Kinda)
  Playing with Chris Henry was great. He can be a real impact player. But who would ever want to throw him the ball? That guy is always so … incarcerated.

• Knowledge of Spanish covering, but not limited to, the numbers 8 and 5.
• Teeth 340% more jewel-encrusted than the average American's. Visible from space.
• Speed > that of a horse
• 5 years ballet and 3 years jazz/tap at Miss Anna's School for Dance in Miami, FL

• God put me on this earth to entertain. Whether it in the end zone or on stage at the Dade County Community Theater, where I reprised my show-stopping portrayal of Tevya in Fiddler last spring, I am destined to be in the spotlight.
• I need a team that's going to give me the freedom to be myself and, of course, pay handsomely for my services. Can anyone truly be happy without a midget butler? Of course not.
• I'm also available to appear at kids birthday parties for a nominal fee. If you think I'm good at working DBs, just wait until you see me work a balloon animal. I make snakes like you wouldn't believe.

• Marvin Lewis
• Carson Palmer
• Madieu Williams
• Mom

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