W2W4: JOSÉ CANSECO EDITION

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"I solemnly do swear ... I love the Lifetime channel."

Ever wonder what Jose Canseco does after a long, hard day of ... uh, being Jose Canseco? Maybe his plans are frighteningly similar to yours. For tonight's W2W4, as opposed to planning your evening, we're going to take you though a typical night in the Casa de Jose. Well, Jose is …

6:15 PM: Go to the local convenience store and buy a six-pack of Miller Chill.

6:16 PM: Return the six-pack, and buy a thirty-pack. It's gonna be a long one, and I went with the Mich Ultra. Low carbs for Jose.

6:30 PM: Stop by Borders and see if any copies of the new book, Vindicated, have sold. Subtly recommend it to another customer. It has anti-aging tips too. HGH isn't just for the fellas.

7:00 PM: Watch NC State v. Michigan St. in the first round of the women's NIT. Decide that women's college hoops is the only real game out there anymore. Fundamentally sound. Natural.

7:30 PM: Attempt to watch the Penguins take on the Flyers. Hurl a snifter of brandy into the fireplace after finding out that the satellite doesn't get TSN.

7:35 PM: Check in on the second inning of the Orioles-Rays game on MLB Extra Innings. Kevin Millar is awesome. Like me, he seems so real.

9:05 PM: Tune in to TruTV's Most Daring, a show featuring some of the world's dumbest risk takers. My agent made the list. (JK!)

9:30 PM: Flip on ESPN to see the Warriors take on the Mavericks. Avery Johnson is small. We should talk.

10:45 PM: Swing over to Lifetime in time for the conclusion of Family in Hiding, a tale about a single mother forced into the witness protection program after witnessing a murder. Not crying, I swear. Just sweating from the eyes. Good to see that like me, Tori Spelling hasn't lost it.

12:45 PM: Brain storm ideas for next book. Best candidate: Magic Tricks from the Dugout. I did once hide Walt Weiss under my shoulder blade.

1:15 PM: Spend fifteen minutes deleting clips of the infamous baseball-off-the-head clip from YouTube. It's maintenance, but solemn. Like cleaning up graffiti you simply know will be there again tomorrow.

1:30 PM: Fall asleep in front of the fire on cheetah pelt rug.

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