PRESIDENTIAL FANTASY LEAGUE ... TEAM McCAIN

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McCain is a Diamondbacks fan from back in the days they still wore purple.
Looking at the roster, it would seem the requirements for riding the Straight Talk Express are 1) That you be white; 2) That you be old; and 3) That you be extremely influential and rich. It's true, the team includes 4 franchise owners (though, we're not sure if Bidwell should count), a commissioner, a governor and a coach. While McCain may have only one real athlete endorsing him, this collection of Who's Who in sports business is a force to be reckoned with. Take a seat on the Express.
KEEPERS
Curt Schilling
Who better to endorse an old war hero? And Schilling's endorsement isn't just some one-time soundbite either. He is the master of shill, and has been on the McCain boat for more than a year with press conferences, a TV ad and with his own blog—38pitches.com. That's synergy. These two have been buddy-buddy since the early 2000's when Schilly was on the Dbacks. Here's Curt on his old pal: "I've seen some tough competitors, but none tougher than McCain." That's worth something even if it sounds like Madden talking Tinactin. And though Schilling's influence is thin outside of Red Sox Nation (and a little suspect there too), remember the 2004 election?
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Before he was the Goverator, Arnold was a pro body builder and a self-taught actor. The guy also oozes independence (especially the fiscally conservative, socially liberal kind), with a moderate Kennedy wife to bridge the credibility gap with Girlie Men. The former Mr. Universe has been called the most famous immigrant in America, and his vote of confidence could help McCain unite the GOP around this fractious issue. McCain's got to be excited about having a well-connected friend in L.A.—one who gave a stirring stump speech for Bush at the 2004 Convention—can Arnold really change minds in this true blue state? For anyone who doubts Arnold's ability to make the impossible happen in Hollywood, two words: Kindergarten Cop.
Roger Goodell
Being the Commish of the most popular league in North America (maybe the world) is no easy job. Neither is being one of the most influential men in New York. But Roger does both, and well. He's been called most the most powerful man in all sports, and the way he's handled the NFL's disciplinary crises and helped direct the seemingly-invincible NFL Network bode well for his influence on Team McCain. He'd be an interesting running-mate choice. His only downside? His support for McCain thus far has been limited to one $2,800 campaign contribution (he gave the same to Chris Dodd!). Still, the commish's heart is in the right place, if not the full weight of his wallet.
SLEEPERS
Woody Johnson
He's got the nomination, but what McCain needs now more than anything is cold, hard cash. That's where Woody comes in. The Jets owner, Johnson & Johnson heir, and Council on Foreign Relations member, not only has an 8-figure checking account, but knows other people who do too. As a Finance Committee Co-chair for the campaign he is responsible for brining McCain's fundraising up to par with the Democrats (Obama has raised three times as much as McCain this election). Woody's got the track record. The Bush campaign "Pioneer" once raised $700,000 in a single event. We'll be watching his fund raising progress, and rewarding (or punishing) him accordingly.
Jerry Colangelo
Pretty much anything that's happened in Phoenix in the last 40 years can be traced back to Colangelo. After guiding the Suns through their expansion years he brought the Diamondbacks, Coyotes and Mercury to town, and he's been either a manager or owner of every team in town. He's also got big-time experience convincing people to pool their cash for all kinds of ventures, so for McCain he'll mainly be a fundraiser (he is on the Arizona Finance Committee). He's also got a chance to score huge points this summer in Beijing as the managing director of USA Basketball. A gold medal could restore our national team to its former glory, and if he does, he'll be rewarded handsomely in the PFL.
Jerry Jones
The owner of "America's Team" (at an estimated $1.5+, the Cowboys are also America's most valuable team) is a valuable asset in the Southwest. He's No. 61 on the Forbes "Richest People" list, he's building the stadium to end all stadiums in Dallas and he's overseen three championships since taking over in 1989. The downside is that it's been twelve years since the Cowboys were champs and even in Texas he's developed a rep as a villain. It's doubtful that his miniscule $2,300 campaign contribution will be seen as anything more than it is—political opportunism.
DRAGS:
Lute Olson
Lute exemplifies one of McCain's biggest weaknesses: a lack of strong players outside the Southwest region and a lack of youth. Which in a sense is ironic because Olson is known for his ability to identify and development young talent. Two former Olson prodigies would greatly diversify the campaign if Gilbert Arenas and Luke Walton endorsed, but it's doubtful either will make the jump. Lute, though, is a legend. Contrary to popular belief it's actually Olson who owns the Pac-10's most wins, not Wooden. That's the kind of coach you want on your side when the game comes down to the final seconds. Or Florida, Ohio, etc.
Sylvester Stallone
You might think that an anti-steroids guy like McCain would be worried about a convicted HGH user's endorsement. But it doesn't seem so in this TV spot. Are the evils of a few injections enough to the shadow the inspiration Stallone provided by portraying Rocky well into his AARP years? Probably not. At least Sly gives Team McCain one name-brand Hollywood celebrity (sorry Wilford Brimley). Even Sen. Clinton knows it. She picked up the Rocky theme song as the soundtrack for her campaign. But the bigger question remains: who does Frank Stallone support?
Bill Bidwill
In the 45 years since Bidwell has been a part owner of the (NFL) Cardinals they have only been to the playoffs four times. He rarely appears in the press unless he's being blasted for his mismanagement and frugality. The guy is Depression-era cheap. Plus, some fans even think that he's cursed and that anything he touches can't win. The fact that he still wears candy-striped bowties in the middle of the Arizona desert can't help McCain with the younger vote either.
PREVIOUS PRESIDENTIAL FANTASY LEAGUE POSTS:
Team Obama
Team Hillary
Introduction to the PFL
Got an issue with the way we're sizing up the candidates? Something we missed? Got an idea for the rules? Send us your thoughts: editor.espnmag@gmail.com.
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