THE FANTASY WORLD: CLOSERS

Getty Images

"The darkness cannot hide my talent; it can, however, hide these White Castle cheese fries lodged in my goatee."

Unless you're lying about your age and playing in a toddlers-only fantasy league—which I recommend, since it's time those spoiled brats learn about how disappointing life can be—the season's winner is generally determined by one factor: luck. And no position demonstrates this concept more adeptly than the closer. It's typically the position with the most turnover from year-to-year. Three weeks into the season, let's see how a few of our 9th inning friends are doing:

HOT

George Sherrill, BAL
Leading the world in saves right now, there's no reason not to expect the trend to continue. Oh, except for that pesky "the Orioles can't possibly keep winning this many games" thing. Sherrill is an ideal sell high candidate, unless by "sell high" you're referring to trading while consuming illegal drugs, in which case, email me with your name and address so I can report you to the proper authorities, you dirty hippie.

Bobby Jenks, CHW
The question was never his ability—Jenks has been lights out for nearly three years now—but whether or not he'd be given the opportunity to close out enough games. Three weeks into the season it looks like crazy ol' Kenny Williams may have built a squad as mediocre as the classic Pale Hose of the early 00s. But this analysis shouldn't sway you one way or the other. The real factor to consider is Jenks' goatee thingy, which makes him a strong buy.

Jason Isringhausen, STL
Another sell high case in the Sherrill mold; there's no reason to expect the Cardinals to keep winning, unless Buzz Bissinger decides to do another book and Tony LaRussa manages really, really hard. That said, unlike Sherrill, Izzy at least has a track record of earning 30 saves a year, despite rain, sleet, snow and playing for a team that, this year, has Joel Pineiro in the starting rotation.

Rafael Betancourt, CLE
Finally!

COLD

Francisco Rodriguez, LAA
He's technically back from the DL, but for anyone who saw that first performance, it wasn't much to get excited about. Not only did he need a Josh Hamilton base-running blunder and a patented Milton "There's no doubt I'll get suspended at some point this year" Bradley at-bat to protect a 3-run lead, but the most disturbing revelation was that K-Rod entered the game without his trademark glasses. Like Judge Judy without her sass, K-Rod sans shades is weak. Sell high on reputation alone as quickly as possible.

Brandon Lyon, ARI
Lyon is kind of like this year's version of last season's Joe Borowski. While he's definitely not the best reliever in the Arizona pen, he should hold onto the job despite a skyrocketing ERA and a few blown saves. After all, he got a vote of confidence from manager Bob Melvin last week. If Melvin went against his word now, that would make him a liar and he would burn in Hell. Here's thinking that Melvin's Eternal Soul is a bit more important than the team's success this year.

Jeremy Accardo, TOR
Kind of a no-brain drop at this point since (a) the Blue Jays' $47 Million Man B.J. Ryan is back from injury; and (b) Accardo isn't very good. If you can somehow pass him off as insurance to a B.J. Ryan owner, take the deal immediately and stick it at the top of your sales resume, because you got the goods, kid.

Joe Borowski, CLE
Finally!

Print Article . Email Article. Subscribe to The Magazine