FANTASY WORLD

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"I got 100 pairs of gloves, one for every base I'm gonna steal this year."

Three weeks into the season, and Carl Crawford is up to his old tricks. After a cold start he's hitting for a decent average (.276), stealing bases (5 so far), and even knocking out a couple of home runs, flashing that bit of power which makes him such an intriguing fantasy superstar. And most importantly, he's doing it all as a member of my fantasy team! But it wasn't supposed to be this way … (staring off into the distance as a hazy filter indicates a flashback sequence).

In every draft, there's a player or two you go into the room telling yourself "I'm walking out with him." This year, it was Alex Rodriguez, whom I had the pleasure of purchasing for a bloody and bruising $53 — a fifth of my total budget. The second part of the plan was to spend my remaining money on Pennysaver-quality deals, making up ground for the massive amount allocated to the metrosexual Yankee. What the plan wasn't was to spend a second large chunk on another single player. But the lure of the Carl Crawford makes men do crazy things.

I'm still not sure what happened. In a pre-draft conversation with my unpaid intern — after winning it all last year, my strategy of flying under the radar is no longer viable, meaning this year I have to step up my efforts — he made it clear that, while Crawford is a fine player, I'd be spending an extra $5-8 on his name alone. Dude's hot right now. While Crawford has a fine name — go ahead and say it aloud a few times; see how easy it rolls off the tongue? — dividing the cash between two or even three above-average players would have been the better route to go.

But the heart wants what the heart wants.

Once his name was put up for bid, my ears perked up. I had a vision of Crawford swiping 60 bases, scoring 100 runs, smashing 25 dingers and driving in another 100 with that high-octane Rays lineup on base in front of him. Suddenly, everything made sense. Before I even made a conscious decision, I heard the words "$39 for Crawford" echoing through the room. It was my own voice, dammit, followed by a quick going once-going twice count, and a booming shout of "Sold!" I got Crawford, but it hurt.

While Crawford has been a bright spot on my team, the rest of the lineup featuring Daric Barton, Adam Jones, Kenji Johjima and Akinori Iwamura leave much to be desired. It's even worse on the pitching side, with a rotation of A.J. Burnett, Joe Blanton, Boof Bonser, Jesse Litsch, Vincente Padilla and Dustin Moseley. Just typing it gives me a mild case of carpal tunnel. Currently, my staff ranks last in ERA and WHIP (5.39 and 1.53, respectively), forcing me to consider something drastic: a trade! Unfortunately, the only two real trading blocks I have are A-Rod and Crawford — my team name is The Top-Heavies for a reason, not just an excuse to use a wildly inappropriate image as my icon — and since I can't see myself getting rid of last year's MVP, it looks like Crawford is going to be the one leaving on a jet plane.

Sure, it's going to be painful ending our relationship, but sometimes you just have to look at things logically. Things aren't working out. Some players don't fit in. Sometimes it's best to just move on.

The downside will be those days when Carl goes 4-for-4 while swiping a pair of bases and knocking in a few runs. Stat lines like those are the equivalent of seeing an ex-girlfriend out with her new boyfriend. While you say you're 'happy' to see she's doing well, a little piece of you dies knowing that she didn't have to be forcibly checked into a mental hospital after you broke up. It's moments like that when fantasy sports become all too real.

Excuse me for a sec.

[Ed's note: No, Rick. No. You promised you wouldn't cry.]

Now, then. Carl Crawford is officially on the block. Any takers?

QUICK HITTERS

Deep Sleeper of the Week: Roy Johnson, C, Orland Park Cubs, 7 years old, T-ball. Johnson might be a little old for his league, but he has a canon of an arm (presumably, since there's no stealing allowed in T-ball), good power to both directions, and only hit the rubber Tee once in 100 at-bats so far this year. His Mom is also decent. Buy.

How to Heckle One of My Own Players this Week: "Hey Milton Bradley, you're so slow it looks like you're running in a Molasses Swamp from the Candy Land board game you may have invented!"

Sell Low: Jose Canseco. Really, if you've kept him on your keeper roster this long, it's time to quit fantasy baseball in general. Perhaps take up skeet shooting instead.

Buy High: Gasoline, as if you have any other choice.

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