THE ULTIMATE RACE

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WHICH WILL END THE WORLD FIRST: GLOBAL WARMING OR PEAK OIL?

We thought it might be fun to run the two doomsday scenarios head to head, based on a mostly random reading of current events. What can we say? We like competition.

THIS WEEK:
THOSE AREN'T BOOS … THEY'RE YELLING FOOOOOOD!

Man, what a week! Incredible matchups, performers at their peaks, gut-check shots topped by even more dramatic clutch comebacks. And riots, too!

No, not the NBA and Stanley Cup playoffs. The Ultimate Race!

Global Warming, aka the Hockey Stick, got up in Peak Oil's grill and went all Sean Avery with this nifty piece of NOAA data on methane. You thought CO2 was bad; way 'til you get a whiff of meth—which, if left unchecked, will have you putting your hand … into a bunch of goo … that a moment before … was a giant glacier!

And then GW drops this bombshell: our well-meaning efforts to plug the ozone hole in Antarctica may actually heat up the world's best uninhabited continent!

This was like that circus trey Steve Nash hit in Game 1 of the Suns-Spurs series to tie it at 115 just before the end of the second OT. How do you top it?

Like the Spurs, that's how! The Oilers have a Ginobili-like sixth man: food shortages! The past month, rapidly rising grain and rice prices have caused food riots in places like Haiti, and food hoarding in places like Wal-Mart!

What's that have to do with Peak Oil? Only, like, everything. Spiking oil prices caused farmers to stop growing food and start growing ethanol, which, as it happens, is what Danica uses when she's racin'! And that drives up prices for grain, which can make said grain scarce, which makes people who need to eat angry.

The Oilers didn't stop there; they threw the crude price up another $4 a barrel, to $120! Which even the paper of record noticed!

"This can partly be explained by the fact that the United States has some of the lowest gasoline prices in the world, the least fuel-efficient cars on the roads, the lowest energy taxes, and the longest daily commutes of any industrialized nation."

You're darn right, we do! And that's why Peak Oil wins the week to go up 6-4!

WHAT IT MEANS TO YOU, THE FAN: You're a diehard (and with the Ultimate Race, you may also be part of a die-off), so you're not going to let a little thing like hyperinflation change your viewing or eating habits. Just set aside cash in some conservative savings instruments we like to call subprime mortgage derivatives as a hedge against rising gas and hot-dog bun prices.

And keep on tailgatin'!

PREVIOUSLY IN THE ULTIMATE RACE:

• AIR FORCE NO. 1
• MONEYBALL!
• BREAK IN THE ACTION
• THE CARBON COMEBACK
• SPRUNG!
• HAILE UNLIKELY
• HUGO A GO GO
• SHAQ WEIGHS IN
• THE STARTING LINE

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