THE MORNING ACCORDING TO US

Tranvestite Troubles in Rio
It's not really a good week in the world of soccer if somebody isn't involved in some kind of twisted, nefarious scandal. Thankfully, Brazilian star Ronaldo (no, not Greased Lightning) has taken care of that. He was found in a Rio hotel room with a trio of tranny's, a sentence we've wanted to write since the written language was invented, which is about two weeks after ESPN was launched.

Dolphin on Dolphin Crime
Last year, when the phrase "dolphin on dolphin crime" came up, you may have figured somebody on Miami's gawd-awful football team had reached the breaking point, stolen a dolphin, and tried to beat Cam Cameron with it. Sadly, in this case, there's less entertainment value. Two dolphins collided in mid-air at Sea World, and neither walked away. Fortunately, one swam. Neither Dan Marino or Jim Carrey was involved.

Good Lift, No Legs
In a story so impressive not even we could make fun of it, Zekra Zaki, a 27-year old Iraqi weight-lifter hopes to go where legless athletes rarely do: the Olympics. The long-haired athlete is dedicating her attempt to her father. She lost her legs at the age of two, but it hasn't diminished her iron pumping spirit.

Underwear Card Game, Pricey Depiction
China's economy continues to grow, and among the typical growth signs is the occasional ancillary one: someone is shelling out a bajillion dollars for an oil painting of men sitting around playing cards in their underwear. Note for those traveling to the Olympics. Bring your oil paints, and a fresh pair of Hanes.

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