BONUS DREAM DATE:
HANK STEINBRENNER AND JOHNNY UTAH

Getty Images

Getty Images

With the stunning and brilliant news that Point Break might be given new life—17 years later!—as a sequel, it was a perfect time for Johnny Utah to swing through New York. Utah is irrepressible and the Yankees are oppressed, in last place in their division at the latest point in a season since 1975.

So it was good that Utah ran into Hank Steinbrenner as the new-boss-same-as-thee-old-boss tried to figure what to do.

HANK STEINBRENNER
I told them I'd be patient, Johnny, but this is getting out of control. We can't win and it makes me feel crazy. Like I gotta' do something. What's patience when I'm paying Bobby Freaking Abreu $17 million to pinch hit in a loss to the Rays?

JOHNNY UTAH
Seventeen?

HANK
Seventeen million, man!

JOHNNY
Whoa…

HANK
It gets worse Johnny. I told 'em I was a breeder. I told them that meant patience. But breeding ain't patience. We all know that. I'm paying A-Rod $25 million for damn near the rest of my life and the dude is laid up with a strained quad. A quad!

JOHNNY
Dude, you're not saying…

HANK
Yeah, I'm thinking about going Eight Belles on him. That's the horse racing I know!

JOHNNY
Whoa, Hank, whoa! Dude!

HANK
And what about Johnny Damon? People had to have him and the Red Sox were just dying for someone to outbid them so they can justify letting him after a title, and we do them a favor! I always knew he threw like my sister, but now he's hitting .250 and I find myself clapping when he walks. Clapping … then drinking. I can't take it Johnny!

JOHNNY
Dude! You're cracking up! Keep it together man, don't do something crazy, man!

HANK
Crazy? You want nuts? How about the fact that the Marlins, two days ago, weren't even pitching well and had the best record in baseball! You see what I'm getting at?

JOHNNY
No, man. No, I don't.

HANK
I'm saying everybody says "Get Girardi." They say, "This guy is the heir to Joe, another catcher and a great manager. He'll be up there with Torre, McCarthy, you name it…"

JOHNNY
Dude.

HANK
No, not dude. Bust! The Marlins were supposed to be this team Joe made great and he was gonna bring that genius here! And now look, we suck, and turns out he just had a ton of talent down there all along! Worse, I can't even buy those guys, because they keep signing them all! They just locked down Hanley Ramirez for $70 million over 6 and I'd trade for him straight up for A-Rod tomorrow, and I still owe that dude three-hundy! Do you see what I'm getting at!?

JOHNNY
Dude. Hold it together, man!

HANK
No, it's time to put on this mask and go to the bank!

JOHNNY
No man, that's crazy talk bro! DUDE!

HANK
It has to be this way. I can't be me, and we need to spend. (Hank pulls out a mask, and slowly lifts it to his face. It's a former President.)

JOHNNY
NO! NOT AGAIN!

HANK
What? I'm going to the bank.

JOHNNY
NO MAN! DON'T DO IT! It'll be like last time! It's not worth it!

HANK
Last time? Johnny, I need to be my Dad, the true President of the Yankees. I'm going to the bank, baby, and I'm going to make a withdrawl!

JOHNNY
Who are you gonna get? Who can turn this thing around? Don't be crazy, man.

HANK
I was thinking Boomer Wells. Or maybe Bernie.

JOHNNY
Whoa…

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