THE ULTIMATE RACE

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WHICH WILL END THE WORLD FIRST: GLOBAL WARMING OR PEAK OIL?

We thought it might be fun to run the two doomsday scenarios head to head, based on a mostly random reading of current events. What can we say? We like competition.

THIS WEEK: BEAR TRAP!

You think managing a fantasy team, or filling out an NCAA bracket, or picking a Derby winner (OK, Big Brown wasn't actually that tough a call) is hard? How about handicapping Armageddon?

Yet, courageously, we do it every week. Some weeks, of course, are tougher than others.
What may appear to be good news for fans of one team can actually dim the prospects of that team destroying civilization. Like when gas prices skyrocket to the point where even real middle Americans take mass transit. (Buses?! Trains?! Eeeeeeewwwww!) How does getting out of cars help Peak Oil win? That's almost French, and what do they know about winning?

This week, the same thing happened with Global Warming. Those pesky polar bears found their way back into the news. Which is almost always bad news for GW. Once Cubs fans get involved, anything short of a championship is possible, even environmental protection. Middle America actually seems bent on protecting bears, perhaps at the expense of cars!

But here's how kooky this gets. Putting the bears on the nation's threatened species list hurts the Heat, sure, but it kills the Oilers. That's because man-bear love means no oil drilling in the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge—which means more pressure to conserve light, sweet crude.

So Peak Oil loses the week, and it's now all tied up at 6-6-1! We told you this is hard.

WHAT IT MEANS TO YOU, THE FAN:
Given that horse racing ain't what it used to be, since every other big race ends with an athlete dying young, and given that horses, thanks to rising feed prices brought on by Peak Oil, apparently don't deserve to live, we offer on this Preakness weekend a modest proposal: Train polar bears to race. It is at least theoretically possible according to computer models we've studied. More than that, it's good for everyone. We can save a species from extinction and still keep alive part of our precious linguistic and cultural heritage, the quinella.

PREVIOUSLY IN THE ULTIMATE RACE:

• CONVENIENT TRUTH
• TOO SMART BY HALF
• AIR FORCE NO. 1
• MONEYBALL!
• BREAK IN THE ACTION
• THE CARBON COMEBACK
• SPRUNG!
• HAILE UNLIKELY
• HUGO A GO GO
• SHAQ WEIGHS IN
• THE STARTING LINE

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