THE SPORTING EQUIVALENCY: PAUL BETTANY

by Ted Bauer

On Tuesdays, we do a little thing called The Sporting Equivalency whereby we liken members of popular culture to athletes. For a bunch of previous examples, go here. (As a side note, check out this photo of Eric Gagne from late last week in which he looks exactly like Seth Rogen, our first-ever Equivalency. Did we miss the boat?) We had a bunch of choices today for the subject: Peri Gilpin (Roz!), Andre 3000 (!) and troubled Different Strokes star Todd Bridges. Instead, we're going with Paul Bettany. He's a rising acting superstar and boy, oh boy, do we love his wife.

Paul Bettany's MLB Equivalent: Hunter Pence

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This one's pretty simple: Bettany is a pseudo big name, but he hasn't cracked the A-List yet (we're hoping the 2009 release of The Secret Life of Bees will do that for him). Pence is a big name in some circles— he was runner-up for NL ROY last year to Ryan Braun—and if Berkman and Lee continue to produce (and the Astros can get some pitching!), he'll be an even bigger name. Plus, his girlfriend is so hot that we can't link to any sets of photos of her without getting fired. So, we'll just show you a pic of Jennifer Connelly.

Paul Bettany's NBA Equivalent: Marko Jaric

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We'll get the simple peg out of the way first: Adriana = Jennifer. Here's the more sophisticated peg: Jaric is actually a pretty legitimate dude. He's not the best baller in the world, but to be honest, that title resides with Kobe. He is on a team that could be relevant again in 2-3 years (Al Jefferson is a monster), has outside business ventures up the wazoo and well, did he mention he dates Adriana Lima? Did you know Bettany voices "Jarvis" in Iron Man, which has already taken in 252 million? Yep. They're both ballers!

Paul Bettany's NFL Equivalent: Brady Quinn

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We'll say it: they're both gorgeous (we can appreciate male beauty). Here's a pic of Brady's girlfriend — his mom also appears to be in the picture and we're glad to know they all have a strong bond—and as expected, she's quite fetching. As for Quinn's career, it's true he won few meaningful games at ND, but with the Browns all over the prime-time schedule next season and Quinn having a Q-Rating about 19 times higher than Derek Anderson, our guess is he sees some playing time for a rapidly improving Cleveland squad. If Anderson keeps shining, Quinn could always be his Silas—ah ha! A Da Vinci Code reference. Bettany played that role!

Paul Bettany's NHL Equivalent: Dion Phaneuf

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OK, again: Jennifer = Elisha in our mind (somewhat. We'd still take Jennifer). Phaneuf has only been on the scene since 2005 and has already ranked No. 1 on an ESPN poll of the hardest hitters in the NHL; Hockey Future is predicting he'll win the Norris Trophy within a few years. Bettany has Inkheart, The Young Victoria, Broken Lines and The Secret Life of Bees all on the horizon! (Check out the trailer for Inkheart right here ; it looks cool.) Both these guys have big things on the horizon and beautiful women to spend time with. And heck, Calgary = Brooklyn (where Bettany and Connelly live), or so we've heard. [ Ed.'s note: They're moving! ]

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