RYAN MCGEE'S BLOG: MEMORIAL DAY MADNESS

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The most miraculous part of Lewis Hamilton's win in Monaco? Someone in America actually saw it.

I love the smell of ethanol in the morning. It smells like … Memorial Day.

Since the FIA moved the Monaco Grand Prix back to its rightful date, the last Sunday in May has been the greatest day of the year for any true motorhead. And while I have yet to make it to Monte Carlo (c'mon, Mag editors, hook me up in '09!), I have been to either the Indy 500 or Coca-Cola every spring since '94, and actually did the double with Robby Gordon in '03.

Still, the best place to experience this day of majestic motoring is on the couch with a bowl of something bad for you and 5.1 surround sound. And since it's too late to immerse yourself in '08, let's reawaken the old ESPN Ridealong Program and let you live the experience here in the McGee house.

5:56 AM ET
Alarm goes off and I tiptoe down the stairs in an effort not to awaken my wife, my three-year old daughter or the dog. I walk outside and listen for the traditional cannon shot that declares the Indianapolis Motor Speedway open for business at 6:00. Alas, I am in Charlotte, so I do not hear it.

6:15
I start the day with the Richard Petty Diet: a two-liter of Diet Pepsi and Goody's Headache Powder.

7:30
Speed Channel is on the air, live from a rainy Monaco. Here's a little TV secret for you: The commentators aren't in Europe, they're in a studio in Charlotte about ten minutes from my house.

7:45
Man, these umbrella girls sure are attractive, but their mothers can't be happy about the fact that they are walking around naked in the rain.

7:51
What the hell is Quentin Tarantino doing in Monaco?

8:00
Green, green, green … There's nothing cooler than watching these guys hammer it through the Casino Square. Sure, the street course is too old for today's bazillion dollar racing machines, but there's no better way to compare Lewis Hamilton to Schumacher, Senna and Fangio … especially when it's wet.

8:15
My first radio interview of the day, for a radio station on the Jersey Shore. I lie and tell them that I think local hero Martin Truex Jr. will win the Coca-Cola 600.

8:30
We are officially into the "man this is boring I hope I don't fall asleep" stage of the F1 race, so I pop it into the picture-in-picture and let my daughter watch the Teletubbies. There's nothing like watching La-La and Po in 5.1.

9:02
I can't watch Lewis Hamilton fly downhill into the right-hander of the Virage du Portier without thinking of James Garner launching himself into the harbor in Grand Prix.

10:00
Hamilton wins! It is genuinely heartwarming to see his celebration, knowing how much he admired Monaco master Ayrton Senna. Hey, that trophy looks an awful lot like the Sprint Cup. Somebody check the trophy case in Daytona.

10:20
What the hell is P-Diddy doing in Monaco?

11:15
Radio interview #2, this time in Denver. All they want to talk about is what they refer to as "the hot chicks of racing", Danica Patrick and Milka Dunno. Yeesh.

NOON
After a couple of microwaved hot dogs, the Indy 500 is on the air. The stands are packed and the weather is perfect. As Bobby Unser used to say from his perch in turn three, "I can see all the way to Terre Haute!"

12:14
Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Newman … 83 years old and still way cooler than you or me.

12:40
Florence Henderson still looks good. Her voice? Not so much.

12:45
Jim Nabors still sounds good. His looks? Not so much.

1:00
Green, green, green … For the 10,000^th time we are reminded that there are eleven rookies in the field of 33. But is it fair to call Champ Car vets like Justin Wilson, Oriol Servia and Will Power "rookies"? Still, I held my breath through turn one of lap one for fear of another 1995 Stan Fox frightfest.

1:42
Did Eddie Cheever just refer to Scott Goodyear as his "little Canadian friend"?

2:14
As we ride along under caution yet again, let's take this moment to reflect on exactly how ridiculous Marco Andretti's Indiana Jones khaki pants and leather jacket firesuit really looks.

3:42
NASCAR officials in Charlotte just let out a round of applause as Danica Patrick is shunted on pit road by Ryan Briscoe. They'll never admit it publicly, but there are only three drivers they pull against—Danica, Marco Andretti and Dancing With The Stars champ Helio Castroneves. Those are the only three drivers with the power to trump NASCAR in the headlines.

3:51
As Danica stops down the pit lane and the crowd of 250,000 comes to its feet in thunderous applause, NASCAR officials sit down and bury their heads in their hands.

4:30
Four laps to go, Vitor Meira is chasing Scott Dixon … and my TV is showing a video promo for Good Morning America. Someone in the ABC/ESPN programming/traffic department just guaranteed himself a future assignment manning an RF relay tower in Guam.

4:35
Scott Dixon wins!

4:45
After Danica's pissed off interview, here's a chance to watch a couple of laps of the CORR Off-Road Series on NBC. Laugh all you want, but it's racing, not talking, and it's the series that gave us Robby Gordon, Jimmie Johnson and Casey Mears.

5:15
ABC follows the Indy 500 with a NASCAR documentary that features a dashingly handsome senior writer from ESPN The Magazine. Sadly, not even my ailing grandmother sees it because she, along with the rest of America, is watching Darrell Waltrip sell Digger the Groundhog t-shirts on the FOX pre-race show.

5:45
Green, green, green … We're only two laps in, and the Coca-Cola 600 has already been more exciting than the All-Star Race.

6:46
What the hell is Yao Ming doing in Charlotte?

7:01
It blows me away how everyone continues to laugh about the tire from the Brian Vickers Toyota bouncing into the infield campground. Anyone who lived through the nightmare when the fans were killed at Charlotte in 1999 (and I did) finds little to laugh about when tires get loose.

7:55
They are re-airing the Toyota Pro/Celebrity Race from Long Beach on Speed Channel. Somewhere an ESPN programming executive is laughing, as ESPN/ABC pit reporter Jamie Little wins the race on the competition's airwaves. Unless of course it's the same guy who ran that GMA promo at the end of Indy 500. He's halfway to Guam by now.

8:03
As hour 15 begins, my daughter and wife are officially mad and have abandoned me. I think I may have freaked them out when I used an empty Diet Pepsi bottle instead of getting up and walking down the hallway to relieve myself. Hey, cut me some slack, there were live pit stops happening!

9:11
Dale Earnhardt Jr., who has already led 76 laps, slaps the wall and has to pit. My cousin Lynn calls on the verge of tears, so I remind her that Lewis Hamilton slapped the wall more than twelve hours ago and came back to win at Monaco. She responds with "Lewis who?"

10:00
Kasey Kahne wins! Tony Stewart, in an obvious effort to reenact most of his Indy Car career, was cruising to the win until a flat tire handed the win to Kahne.

10:05
What the hell are Jeff Gordon and Dale Earnhardt Jr. doing in the top five?

10:30
After 676 laps, 1257.73 miles, 17.5 hours, 19 caution flags, 8 liters of Diet Pepsi and at least three threats of divorce, I'm finally headed to bed. But wait, our local FOX affiliate is doing a post-race special from Charlotte, and Jimmy Spencer is sporting some bad fake hair on the Speed Channel … and ESPNEWS is showing the post-race press conferences … and SportsCenter will be on in 30 minutes … plus, I really want to watch James Garner crash in Grand Prix again.

I have to have that DVD around here somewhere …

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