FANTASY WORLD: THE LETDOWNS, OR THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL LULLS

High expectations + shallow position + solid track record + barely hitting .200 = Cano running away with the East Coast Bias circuit! Rios has taken a step since his breakout last year, but it's in the wrong direction, seeing as he's hitting .259 with only 3 HRs. Buchholz was over-hyped heading into this year because of last year's no-hitter. If you thought Hernandez was reliable, you have only yourself to blame. Crawford's on the list just because he hasn't lived up to his exorbitant price tag … yet.

AL Central
-Travis Hafner, Indians
-Almost Everyone, Tigers
-Nick Swisher, White Sox
-Francisco Liriano, Twins
-Gil Meche, Royals

Hafner is having a letdown season for the ages, hitting .217 with less home runs (4) than the Mighty Emil Brown! If you have a Tiger on your team not named Ordonez, you're angrier than Michael Moore right now. Swisher gets the nod over fellow Pale Hoser Paul Konerko because Swish should hit 50 HRs in The Cell, not his current pace of 12. For some reason, people thought Liriano's elbow was going to be magically healed by pixie dust, leading to expectations he could never meet this year. Tommy John's take a little time, people! Meche's horrible start after last year's 3.67 ERA is what pilots refer to as "course correction".

AL West
-Erik Bedard, Mariners
-Vladimir Guerrero, Angels
-Jarrod Saltalamacchia, Rangers
-Joe Blanton, A's

Bedard is the poster boy for this year's Mariners team, horrible in every way. Talented, and yet horrible in every way. Batting .262 with 7 HRs, maybe Vlad needs to throw out his current batting gloves, which would be a disgusting scene. Salty has yet to get started this year after spending the first month in Triple-A and now swapping starts with Gerald Laird. Still, love that name. Salty. Adorable. Blanton's on here for not getting enough run support. Sure, it's not fair, but neither is life. Get used to it, or pick up a bat, Joe.

NL East
-Ryan Howard, Phillies
-Mark Teixeria, Braves
-Carlos Beltran, Mets
-Jeremy Hermida, Marlins
-Elijah Dukes, Nationals

Howard and Teixeria are legit letdowns, but the latter is the better bet to reach his projections. Beltran continues to be not bad but just generally overrated, a $15 million man better suited for 6-9 mil, (You can live on that, even in New York. Maybe.) while Hermida is the Marlins representative here just because there's shockingly no other choice. Elijah Dukes, meanwhile, is here because he disappointingly hasn't throttled anyone yet, and when Dukes isn't on police blotter, we dry up. Near 63% of our joke portfolio is Dukes-related. It's sad.

NL Central
-Roy Oswalt, Astros
-Prince Fielder, Brewers
-Ted Lilly, Cubs
-Jason Isringhausen, Cardinals
-Tom Gorzelanny, Pirates
-Ken Griffey, Jr., Reds

When putting together a column like this, there's bound to be some cases harder to make than others. While Oswalt has certainly earned his spot, Fielder is turning it around as of late. Anyone expecting Lilly to match last year's performance needs to relearn the phrase "reverting to the mean". The final three are just seat-fillers. Griffey will get a day-long reprieve when he hits 600 sometime in the next week, but his problem is his name is still Ken Griffey, Jr. Amazingly, like Harrison Ford with a whip, that still has pull.

NL West
-Eric Byrnes, Diamondbacks
-Troy Tulowitzki, Rockies
-Andruw Jones, Dodgers
-Trevor Hoffman, Padres
-Barry Zito, Giants

This group, on the other hand, is an All-Star lineup of letdown-osity! Take your pick for 2nd place: Tulowitzki's sophomore slump; Jones proving that last years flirtation with Mendoza wasn't a blip on the radar; T-Hoff being unable to shake off last year's blown 163rd game; or Zito earning roughly $18 million per win. But the winner for this division is Eric Byrnes, if only for forcing Arizona management to watch ex-Diamondback Carlos Quentin put up All-World numbers in Chicago, knowing Byrnes was the one given a deal bigger than his hair, and was essentially forced ahead of The Mighty Quentin. And, as we all know, there's never a wrong moment to mention the dreamy Quentin.

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Player on My Team of the Week: John Lackey, who put together a 2.40 ERA in two starts last week, coming off the DL. Best of all, he took one for the team by allowing the afore-mentioned dreamy Carlos Quentin to hit two HRs in his 2nd start, which was still a complete game. Lackey = team player.

How to Heckle One of My Players This Week: "Hey Daric Barton, maybe you should have gotten your tonsils out before the season instead of missing a game with tonsillitis! Actually, after taking a closer look at your stats, maybe you should ask the doctor for more tonsils."

Deep Sleeper of the Week: Dog Smith, 9 years old. Another of Dr. Jones' illegitimate children—this time with Willie Scott from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom—Smith has his father's knack of getting out of trouble and his mother's habit of shrieking like a banshee, used to scare countless runners out of the baseline.

Sell Low: Snake-Ropes.

Buy High: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, which now looks brilliant in comparison.

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