THE BACK AND FORTH: CELTICS VS. LAKERS

by Ted Bauer and Chris Sprow

[Ed's note: What happens when two low-level ESPN The Magazine staffers you've likely never heard of start discussing basketball in between their jobs, Wikipedia, YouTube and Fark? Pure hilarity. We're gonna document it. Hey, it may not be TrueHoop (what is!?) but it's different.]

When an editor walked into our conversation in The Mag lunchroom yesterday saying, "Lakers in five!" he seemed pretty certain. When we told him that Lake Superior State didn't even make the College World Series, and they play a round-robin anyway, and we'd actually been talking about the NBA Finals, he stood by his prediction. Another editor disagreed. To settle the matter, we pitted the two against each other in true Mag.com fashion: a Fun Facts battle to determine the NBA Finals winner. Do you care what either thinks? Potentially not. But along the way, it'll entertain you.

THE CELTICS AND THE GLORY OF SCOT POLLARD
Chris Sprow
When it comes to the Celtics, you could start with their league best record (66-16) or their 90's-Bulls-like 10.2 ppg scoring differential, or even the fact that they have three legit superstars, (though for most of the playoffs Ray Allen, actor >>> Ray Allen, basketball player), but the bottom line is you have to have an edge guy. We mean a guy who could come into the series and do something crazy. And for that, can you top Scot Pollard? Here's a guy who a) spells his name with one "t", which is insane, b) once looked into a camera during a timeout and said "Hey kids … do drugs!" c) and has the nickname "Samurai Scot." Ask Pollard who wins this series, there's a good chance he'll say "Celts…In three!" without a hint of irony. He alone is worth a game.

LEONA LEWIS, THE ALBANY PATROONS AND RIVERS VS. JACKSON
Ted Bauer
First off, because our servers are not letting me read ESPN.Com for some reason, did you know the video for Leona Lewis' "Bleeding Love" is actually quite racy, although in a PG-13 racy kind of way that's completely appropriate at stepping to the line but not stepping over it? OK. Scot Pollard? Questionable pullout there. I'm gonna start with Phil Jackson, even though I generally dislike him. The dude was coaching the Albany Patroons at one point. He was an assistant to Doug Collins. Is it possible his rise from upstate New York to Hollywood parallels the rise of Jay Z? Perhaps, although I'm reluctant to make that comparison out of reverence for HOVA. Here's the point, though: let's say three of these games are close (and they will be). With an under-five game under two minutes, who do you want making decisions? Phil Jackson or Doc Rivers? Lakers in five.

Sprow
Two things. 1. I remember seeing an Albany Patroons game on this network. 2. The fact that Phil Jackson could break Red Auerbach's record against the Celtics, and potentially in Boston, is the Boston equivalent to when Walter Peck forces a New York city worker to shut down the power grid in Ghostbusters. Mass hysteria. DOGS AND CATS LIVING TOGETHER! You get the picture. It could spell great suffering in Boston. Remember, Peck loses. Straight up with Doc? Point taken. Ninety-three coaches (including Larry Eustachy) could have the Celt's in this spot. But remember the last finals Phil was in? As coach of a team most thought would sweep, his Lakers got embarrassed by the Pistons. It was so bad it basically ended the careers of two Hall of Fame players (Karl Malone and Gary Payton) And of course, the former winner of the North Dakota Roughrider Award once motivated his team by alternating pics of Rick Adelman and Adolf Hitler in front of his Lakers team. SERIOUSLY? Doc ain't Auerbach, but he's no Adolf.

ON NOTIONS OF TEAM VS. INDIVIDUAL
Bauer
The story of the 2004 Finals for me was three-fold: (a) "team" must beat "stars" for the universe to align properly (we saw that last year, too); (b) Larry Brown needed his due at some point; (c) the Kobe/Shaq dynamic had disintegrated to the point they could barely look at each other on the floor. So, sticking with Point A, the Celtics should win this year, right? A "team" (or at least three dudes and Rondo playing well with Perkins playing serviceably) should beat "a star," because the Lakers are all Kobe. In reality, then, I guess the central storyline of these Finals is whether you believe the Lakers are a lovey-dovey team like they've been selling, or if they're a bunch of guys who realize Kobe needs the ball as much as possible, especially in key situations. Jordan once said of passing to Paxson in the 1990s that when everyone in the building knows you're taking the shot and you kick it out and the other guy hits it, that's being a star. Do the Lakers and Kobe get that? I think SO. And honestly, even if they don't, he's Kobe. Who's guarding him?

X-FACTORS

Sprow
I'm not playing the "Who's Guarding Kobe" argument, because it's also "Who's Guarding LeBron" and the answer is always, unless they trade for Tayshaun Prince right now, nobody. You don't guard a superstar, you annoy him (see: Prince) and you make him deal with Pierce and Allen every night on the other end. And really, isn't this an x-factor series? The Lakers are literally a team of x-factors after Mamba, so let's go with a Celt "X" man I don't think the Lakers have a good answer for, either in game, or fun facts. Kendrick Perkins was the closet MVP of the Stones series for one. His old nickname is "Baby Shaq." If Rivers knows anything, he'll have all the Celts calling him Shaq and Kobe will try to dunk over him on every play, turning the triangle into a rhombus. Second, he was acquired for Troy Bell and Dahntay Jones, which looks more Bagwell-Larry Andersen every day (in reverse for Boston). Lastly, he inspired this site. Do you see what happened here? A fan wanted a Perkins pic soooo bad for his site, he snuck into a locker room and nabbed one before he was beaten to a pulp by security and probably slapped by Bob Ryan. That, is an x-factor.

Bauer
I'll go with X-Factors on the Hollywood side. First off, how about the coaching staff? You see Phil's assistants? KURT RAMBIS! KAREEM! CRAIG HODGES! Holy cow, bro. You got the best eyeglasses ever, the best scorer ever (well, kinda) and the best All-Star Weekend participant ever (sorry, Legs) on one staff. Love that. As for players, you got DJ Mbenga— the single most inspiring story in the NBA right now —and Coby Karl, who might be up there too. How sick is it if Coby gets a ring before his dad? Vladmir R. might have learned how to ball from Hodges: kid can seemingly hit a mid to long range shot from anywhere when they need it. Derek Fisher? Hit one of the biggest shots in recent playoff history. Chris Mihm is, well, I'll let that be. The fact is, Odom and Gasol are serviceable and all the guys I just named understand their roles. And the best player in the NBA—perhaps in the last 15 years of the NBA—is at the top of the LA hierarchy. Well, George Clooney is, but he doesn't ball (least not as a pro.) Next question: what's a bigger emotional element—Kobe trying to get his sans-Shaq ring or Allen, Pierce and Garnett trying to get their first?

Sprow
You want DEEP x-factor? James Posey. The guy has a whole section on his Wikipedia page about "Controversies with the Bulls." In other words, he sees a Bull, he pulls his sword. Phil Jackson? A marginal Bull. If Posey takes him out in Game 3, rendering Father Zen useless, don't say you weren't warned. (Also, he's part of the biggest trade in league history, which included the names Roberto Duenas, Albert Miralles and, yes, Qyntel Woods. Who let the dogs out, indeed?

ENTERTAINMENT AND "WANTING IT MORE"

Bauer
I try to view sports through the prism of "Who wants it the most?" Posey might be an X-Factor and might dislike the Bulls—really, though, who didn't dislike the 1990s Bulls by the end?—and I think Kobe trying to take one step closer to a broad legacy by winning a title without a 7-2, 328 guy hulking in the middle (given Kobe's oft-referenced competitiveness) is a bigger factor than Garnett, Pierce and Allen going for the first. I think the dudes on Inside the NBA once said while watching Kobe warm up, "Look at his eyes. You can tell if he wants 50. He'll get it." This whole series could be about that.

Sprow
As this is a web article, the Celtics also have the advantage of this web page which a) has a profile pic (top right) that could've gotten you cut from Hickory High minus Chitwood, circa '55, and b) has the line, "Has own website, www.scalabrine.com." Wait! Where? He claims to have a site, on his own site!?! Scalabrine is too meta for LA, bottom line.

Bauer
I hate to keep harping on Kobe. but if we're talking viral videos, who's bigger than Mamba? He does this , then Kenny Smith imitates it , then some kid in suburbia does it , then Kobe "jumps" over some snakes in a pool and these videos, aggregated together, are getting more hits than "Cat Flushes Toilet" —which actually helps me regain my faith in American society (to a small extent). Point being: Kobe's awesome, the role players know what they need to do. Lakers in cinco!

Sprow
You want entertainment? How's this for show biz intangibles: Eddie House married Mike Bibby's sis! Wha…? Dude, Henry Bibby is your father-in-law. That's a screenplay in ten minutes. Rondo? He blogs! (So he'll have my job in an hour.) And seriously, you want a screenplay? Leon Powe's personal life: "Powe grew up poor in Oakland, California. His father left him when he was two years old. When he was young, the family's house burned down and they were homeless for years. He was taken away from his mother by the state of California and put into foster care. In high school, Powe's mother died weeks before he played in the state championship." Entertainment, despair, x-factor's, Jackson-killers? We have it. Oh yeah, and Garnett, you storyline-sap. Celts in 3! (How Zen is that?)

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