THE ULTIMATE RACE

Getty Images (L and R)

WHICH WILL END THE WORLD FIRST: GLOBAL WARMING OR PEAK OIL?

We thought it might be fun to run the two doomsday scenarios head to head, based on a mostly random reading of current events. What can we say? We like competition.

THIS WEEK: CELTIC PRIDE!

This is starting to become a familiar pattern. Peak Oil looks rough and ready and unbeatable, like the Lakers or Kimbo Slice. It puts up great numbers ($130 a barrel, again!) and awesome highlights (it's too expensive to fill in potholes this summer)!

Global Warming looks bedraggled, wheezing through every week, like the Celtics. And yet, it keeps showing up, keeps stealing wins, occasionally comes up huge with a cyclone and …

You can see where this is going, right? Kimbo got thumped once by a Boston guy, and the unstoppable Lakers got outwitted by the wily Celts in Game 1. So it goes with our teams. Even when it's limping, like Paul Pierce, or not shooting well, like Kevin Garnett, Global Warming makes the hustle plays and the clutch buckets when it needs them.

It all starts with the front office, and right now, the GW GMs in the U.S. government just want it more. They'll stop at nothing to prevent anything that would slow Global Warming. First, they declare there's no way the Yanks can make a 2020 emissions deadline! Then, the Senate locks down anti-Hockey Stick legislation like the Red Wings shutting down the Pens! Sure, it's low-scoring, but it's a beautiful victory, from a purist's point of view.

And the Heat takes the lead, 8-7-1!

WHAT IT MEANS TO YOU, THE FAN:
Take a page from the USA on Global Warming—can't win, don't try, because effort is, well, hard. And at these oil prices, so is fixing potholes, let alone paving an entire oval! That's why we recommend using up some of America's depleting fuel reserves and get to the local dirt track! When you're not enjoying the Ultimate Race, enjoy racin' like it oughta be, bumpy and dusty!

While it lasts!

PREVIOUSLY IN THE ULTIMATE RACE:

• TOUGH WEEK FOR PEAK
• WHISKEY (CON)TANGO FOXTROT
• BEAR TRAP
• CONVENIENT TRUTH
• TOO SMART BY HALF
• AIR FORCE NO. 1
• MONEYBALL!
• BREAK IN THE ACTION
• THE CARBON COMEBACK
• SPRUNG!
• HAILE UNLIKELY
• HUGO A GO GO
• SHAQ WEIGHS IN
• THE STARTING LINE

Print Article . Email Article. Subscribe to The Magazine