THE MORNING ACCORDING TO US

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"First thing we must do is make him a citizen, so we can kill him. Legally."

So this is how we do this. Each entry here corresponds with an item on the map up top. It's the world, in a quick trip. It's blanket coverage, so feel the warmth. We're excited to know that today, an Oregon man has solved the immigration problem. Of course, for a "thinking competition," could they have not gotten him to solve something truly important, such as what to do about instant replay in baseball? It's hard to understand.

Thinking: A New Sports Frontier
An Oregon man is the winner of this year's Great American Think-Off, a national philosophy competition that gives ordinary people the chance to debate some of life's perplexing questions. This year's question: "Does immigration strengthen or threaten the United States?" Craig Allen was resolved that unregulated immigration was a threat, and should be dealt with. We think this is the next great sport! Sadly, congress then met for a session, and resolved that Allen was playing partisan politics.

Citizen Webb
A movement is afoot (ha!) to name English soccer ref Howard Webb a Polish citizen. If he were one, the thinking goes, he couldn't officiate games involving Poland, thereby eliminating his opportunity to blow games like last week's, when Austria was awarded a late-minute penalty kick in its Euro 2008 match against Poland. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. This probably wouldn't have helped much in WWII. Just sayin'.

One-Wheel Supremacy
Unicyclists from around the world have gathered in Nova Scotia for a five-day, 800 kilometer race. It's the longest of its kind, and is known for reasons that aren't entirely clear as Ride the Lobster. Anyway, it finishes up on Friday, with a climb through Cape Breton. Really, if Jacksonville can get the friggin' Super Bowl, can't Nova Scotia land something bigger than a Lobster ride?

Warren Miller: Chilean
It's not a significant habit of ours to become enthralled with Chilean snowboarding. In fact, we prefer the sea bass. Still, something strikes a chord here. It's a bootleg snowboard video in Spanish, and may or may not end in an avalanche. We always thought Aspen Extreme should have been an international blockbuster instead of a domestic bust. No? Okay.

Wanted for War Crimes: Soccer Fan
An internationally wanted 'Nazi war criminal' has been spotted supporting his national team at the Euro 2008 football championships in Austria. Milivoj Asner is wanted by Interpol for alleged genocide, war crimes and crimes against humanity committed during his service as a police chief in Croatia during the Second World War, when the country was ruled by a Nazi puppet regime. He has been spotted leisurely enjoying Euro 2008 in Austria. And they just noticed him now? Guy must have aged well.

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