FANTASY WORLD:
THE MID-SEASON GOLD STAR HANDOUT

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"But Dusty said if you reach 200 pitches today, we both get ice cream! It's only pain, bro."

Forget the All-Star break. If my calculations are correct—and there's an extremely good chance they're not—then at precisely high noon on Friday the exact midway point of the baseball regular season will be upon us. This, of course, means there's statistically no better time for me to deliver my contractually-obligated Midseason Awards column than exactly … right … now!

The MVPs: Lance Berkman (NL), Josh Hamilton (AL). Berkman's a no-brainer; being on pace for 42 HRs, 124 RBIs, 136 Rs and 24 SBs will do that. Meanwhile, Hamilton is your current AL leader in HRs (19), RBIs (76), and his .310 batting average (currently good for 7th) means he can make a noble run at the Triple Crown. All that, plus the best tattoos this side of Kat Von D—where the similarities end, mind you—means he takes home the first-half honors.

The Anchors: Obviously, any team with Robinson Cano and Travis Hafner can't be doing well, especially since their high price tag makes them virtually undroppable, dragging your team to the bottom in the process. Other honorable mentions in this category include Andruw Jones, Rafael Betancourt and Billy Butler, but at least they give your team a fighting chance by being a bit more buoyant.

The Jim Cramer Doesn't Even Know What To Do Award: Milton Bradley. Board Games has been an even greater headache than usual this year, and not for the usual off-the-field reasons. While he's missed his handful of games due to various ailments—13 games missed completely, along with another 5 in which he only pinch hit—his production has been so outstanding that owners don't know whether to sell high now or hold onto him with the hopes that these lingering injuries are as bad as it gets. At least last year he was kind enough to not get our hopes up by being out-of-action for longer stretches and being much, much less productive.

The You're Growns Up Award: Ervin Santana, Edinson Volquez and, obviously, Carlos Quentin. We've already spoken enough about Quentin, but Ervin Santana has been as big of a revelation. His 4.84 ERA over 3 seasons has turned into a 3.17 this year, his career K/9 mark of .75 is up to .89, and he's walking fewer batters than ever. This young tyke has officially turned the corner. Volquez, meanwhile, should be a joy for Cincinnati fans for years, as long as Dusty Baker doesn't accidentally mistake him for Kerry Wood or Mark Prior.

The One-Category Wonder Award: Livan Hernandez. Through 17 starts this year, Hernandez has a 5.23 ERA, a 1.61 WHIP, has given up a whopping 150 hits, and has struck out only 34 batters in 103 innings, to give him a girlie-man K/9 of 2.96. (To give you some sense of how small that number is, my K/9 is 8.79, although that's for striking out with women per 9 bar visits.) And yet, for you suave fantasy managers out there who care not about wimpy ratio stats, you've been rewarded with 8 juicy wins. That's twice as many as high-priced stars Matt Cain or James Shields!

The Sale at the Fashion Boutique Award: John Lackey and Scott Kazmir, who were both available on the draft discount rack after the news came out they'd both be missing a month. However, as is usually the case, the patient have been rewarded with All-World stats: Lackey is 5-1, with 45 Ks, 1.65 ERA and 0.93 WHIP, while Kazmir is 6-3 with 68 Ks, 2.03 ERA and 1.02 WHIP. Good things come to those who wait, indeed!

The Cleanup on Aisle 12 Award: The Seattle Mariners. Let's put aside the pitching semi-disasters of Erik Bedard and Carlos Silva (only 3 years and $36 million left!); while both turned out horrible they were at least conducted when the team expected to contend. The worst move has easily been the in-season decision to resign catcher Kenji Johjima to a 3-year, $24 million contract extension even though highly touted prospect Jeff Clement is ready to handle backstop duties immediately. This is the kind of move that's going to make rebuilding this team take a nuclear half-life.

The Worst Post-Draft Quote From Myself: "Honestly, I got the biggest steal in the draft with my 13th round pick of Clay Buchholz. He's going to dominate this year. Unfortunately, I followed that one up with the worst pick in the entire draft: Kerry Wood in the 14th. There's no excuse for that one. You're not interested in him by any chance, are you?"

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Player on My Team of the Week: Carl Crawford, who seems to finally be hitting his stride after coming back from his suspension by hitting .474 last week, and is now mashing homers. Sometimes there's nothing healthier than being forced to go sit in the corner for a bit.

How to Heckle a Player on My Team: "Hey Jason Bartlett, how dare you take off two days off to attend the birth of your first child! Be a man and hire a videographer!"

Deep Sleeper of the Week: Jamie Lynn Spears' daughter Maddie, who is celebrating the one-week anniversary of her birth today. There's not a youngster out there who should be better equipped to handle the spotlight of the majors like Young Maddie, who is fending off paparazzi as we speak.

Sell Low: Mailing in those absentee ballots in the Zimbabwe election runoff.

Buy High: Quality of life, after Jason Bateman confirmed that the Arrested Development movie is a go.

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