FANTASY WORLD:
(DO) FEAR THE REAPER

Dusty Baker, Reds
Why: This season was already sunk before it started, as evidenced by the team hiring new GM Walt Jocketty 21 games into the season. And the one thing GMs like more than dealing with a player not represented by Scott Boras is being able to choose their own coaches. Frankly it's a shock Dusty Baker hasn't been fired yet, seeing as how if you squint hard enough, and the sun catches them just right, young pitchers Johnny Cueto and Edinson Volquez look kinda like Kerry Wood and Mark Prior.

What It Would Mean To Your Fantasy Team: You'll no longer have to sell high on
Cueto and Volquez, seeing as now they'll definitely finish the year with their arms intact. His firing will also mean someone might finally look at Joey Votto's stats (.280, 12HRs and 38 RBIs in limited at-bats) and bat him a bit higher in the lineup.

Best Possible Replacement: Stephen Hawking, although really anyone with a calculator will suffice.

Cecil Cooper, Astros
Why: Rightfully or not, Astros management went into this year attempting one last hurrah at a championship before most of their team begins applying for AARP benefits. (Before the season, the average age of the team was a few ticks over 30.) And now, since all they have to show for it is a 40-43 record, soon it'll be time to put the seniors in the home and let the kids have a turn.

What It Would Mean To Your Fantasy Team: A full-blown youth movement (bye bye, Miggy) should mean more time for Reggie Abercrombie, Tommy Manzella (AAA) and J.R. Towles (AAA). Not that any of that should get you too excited; the Astros' farm system is shallower than a Slip 'n Slide.

Best Possible Replacement: Since we live in a time of extreme environmental conservation, it would be best for all parties involved if the Astros signed actor Mark Harris to reprise his role from the ABC sitcom "Hangin' with Mr. Cooper". That way, they can reuse the stationary.

Bud Black, Padres
Why: A team that was a single blown save away from a playoff spot last year isn't supposed to be 18 games under .500 this year, but that's what happens when you spend the off-season twiddling thumbs instead of, I don't know, trying to get better. While this mess might not be Black's fault, he might have to be the one to fall on his sword.

What It Would Mean To Your Fantasy Team: As is the general case with coaching
changes, one here means another damn-the-torpedoes, full-speed-ahead youth movement. But unlike the afore-mentioned Astros, the Pads have some youngsters worth keeping an eye on. Among the ones you'll want to scout are Chase Headley, Will Inman (AA), Matt Antonelli (AAA), Wil Ledezma (AAA), and Justin Germano (AAA).

Possible Replacement: If there's a better person around for the job than The Franken-Friar, I don't him. Actually, that's the way I feel about every job ever created. The Franken-Friar can do no wrong!

Joe Girardi, Yankees
Why: While this final one is the most unlikely of the bunch, as long as the Yankees are out of 1st place, and as long as they're under the control of a partially insane Hank Steinbrenner, anything is possible.

What It Would Mean To Your Fantasy Team: As if you'd be so foolish to think something as menial as a coaching change would change anything about a team that must win now! Don't expect to have to make any changes to your fantasy team besides calling your team something other than The Joe Girardi Boombox Party.

Best Possible Replacement: An undead Billy Martin, if only for the awesome Halloween marketing tie-ins.

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Player on My Team of the Week: Kevin Slowey, on his way to becoming a household name after posting two tremendous starts last week. Just look at these stats: 1-0, 15 innings, 15 Ks, 0 walks, 0.00 ERA and a miniscule 0.47 WHIP. Welcome to the Big Time, Young Slowey!

How to Heckle One Of My Players This Week: "Hey Carl Crawford, I think Jacoby Ellsbury has a big enough lead now. You can start catching him in steals any time you want!"

Deep Sleeper of the Week: Jorge Ramirez, shortstop, 3 years old, Dominican Republic. There's no question Ramirez has six-tool talent—the 6th being "leadership!"—but GMs are scared of the rumors Ramirez may be older than he's listed on his birth certificate. As a 5-year-old, he's not worth nearly as much of a signing bonus.

Buy High: Stock in all publicly-traded apocalypse cults, since the new atom-smasher in Switzerland is already creating a buzz about accidentally creating a massive black hole and consuming all life as we know it.

Sell Low: Our eyes, and our souls, after the Mini-Me sex tape eventually gets "leaked".

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