THE MORNING ACCORDING TO US

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LET THEM PLAY! LET THEM PLAY!

You know the routine. Check the map up top for the action that corresponds with these notes. Today, we find out the devastating news that all the best Olympic sports have long been discontinued. Seriosuly, we're on a hunger strike until the sport involving gunned-down mannequins in frock coats is returned. We demand satisfaction!

Olympic-level Busts
Not every Olympic event has been a success. Some, like live pigeon shooting and equestrian high jump, lasted just one year. Other busts include: one-hand weightlifting, tug-of-war, underwater swimming, the rope climb, swimming obstacle race, tumbling, plunge diving (sadly that doesn't involve Jell-o), and perhaps our favorite, duelling pistol, from 1906, in which shooters fired at mannequins wearing frock coats and bull's-eyes on their chests. Fake people in frock coats? Shot with guns? Seriously, how does this not beat out rhythmic gymnastics?

Old Stub
Soccer collectors will be lining up this weekend when a rare find goes "under the hammer" at auction. A game ticket from the FA Cup final off 1895 was recently found, and in almost perfect condition, having been preserved in an album. At the time, it cost just 12.5 pence. David Barber, the FA's official historian, said it was an extremely important piece of memorabilia and one of the oldest tickets to surface. A cool note is that the game's trophy was stolen and never recovered, so little remains to prove the match existed. Sort of like the Ravens' Super Bowl win.

Orgy? Yes. Allusions to the Third Reich? No.
Just your typical Nazi orgy story. But wait! One of the five call girls who took part in that previously reported orgy, the one organized and, ah, executed by Europe motorsport boss Max Mosley, says the evening did not involve any Nazi-era role playing. There might have been some pain, could have been some leather, but no Nazis. The call girl testified today during Mosley's lawsuit against the tabloid that insinuated the Nazi stuff. Apparently everything else is true, though. So, yeah, five call girls. One 68-year-old man. Wait, this guy is in trouble, or being given a medal of merit?

Bush Wants Tix
At the G8 Summit this mornning, President Bush told Chinese President Hu Jintao how much he wants some Olympic basketball tickets. We're wondering what sort of fan he'd be. Would he go the dignified route, a la Bill Clinton at the 1994 NCAA Championship, sitting high aloft the court in a suit in tie as the Razorbacks walk the path to glory? Or would Bush wear an American flag as a cape, the better to show his full-on body paint stars and stripes?

All in the Family
Just what golf needs: another Woods. That's what is about to happen, as it appears Tiger's niece, Cheyenne, is about to start making waves. Cheyenne Woods, a two-time Arizona state high school champion, and Tiger Woods live about 400 miles apart, so they don't see each other often, but he's given feedback after watching tapes and once brought her in to work with him and swing coach Hank Haney. She picked up her first club when she was about 5. Frankly, we're concerned about the fairness of it all.

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