THE MORNING ... ACCORDING TO US

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"Is that Pavel Bure on the right?"

It's Friday, which is awesome. It's the morning, which is decidely less so. We're gonna take an international bent to looking at the early hours: check the map up top, then look back down here. The content correlates! Remarkable how we do it, right? We've been talking Beijing a lot recently, so it seems a good time to focus briefly on the 2010 Vancouver Games and more specifically, their mascots. (You've likely seen the clip before, but do you remember 'em?) They're absolutely horrifying. Enjoy!

Olympic Crier
This guy named Li Xuedong claims to have the loudest voice in China. He says it can reach 120 decibels; people are so impressed with Xuedong that he now yells for a living. And he just got a new gig: Olympic organizers have hired to go far and wide and shout the glory of the Games. It's quaint, to imagine the modern-day village crier, but mostly sad. The man possesses a skill that's impressive but useless, in the age of microphones, and satellite television, and, heck, if propaganda is China's aim, the Internet. Xuedong's plight reminds us of that scene in Raiders of the Lost Arc: the Arabic swordsman, showing off the mastery of his craft moments before he is to kill Indiana Jones. What does Indy do? He pulls out a gun and shoots the guy.

Menu Change
You can't eat dog in a Chinese restaurant anymore. We know: what is the world coming to? Actually, you probably can after the Olympics, savoring dog's "health-giving qualities," but until that glorious day returns, No dogs, Chinese Olympic officials say. It'll freak out the Americans more than our squat toilets.

The ABA of Indian Cricket
The greatest thing about the ABA weren't the knee-high socks or the Afros out to here, it was the league's renegade ethos, the giant middle finger it gave the NBA. Today that middle finger has been outsourced to India (of course). But it's cool to watch the upstart Indian Cricket League take on the International Cricket Council. ICC says the style of cricket ICL plays is "unauthorized." But really, the ICC can't handle the funk of the ICL, with their indoor-sunglass-wearing superstars.

With all the Beijing Hype…
We think we should roll out the video clip of the 2010 Vancouver mascots. They're absolutely terrifying!

Chicken Shtick
The San Diego Padres have a new team commercial promoting their August home games. In it, the San Diego Chicken teaches you how to be a good (read: annoying) mascot. The most remarkable part of the clip? Jake Peavy is a pretty good actor.

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