POLITICS AND SPORTS:
OBAMA RUNNING-MATES

David Beckham (MLS, CA)
Pro: Will steal away the block of female voters who are voting for McCain solely because of his oozing sexuality.
Con: Will lose a lot of male voters after they become aware of Beckham's recent groin-shattering kick. That's just not cool, man.

Joe Maddon (MLB, FL)
Pro: The manager of America's Hot New Team down in Tampa Bay could help Obama in the swing state of Florida.
Con: The move would only sway Rays fans, which add up to maybe 5,000 votes or so. Also, hipster glasses may be seen as elitist.

Kevin Garnett (NBA, MA)
Pro: Obama's favorite basketball player can tour the country, flashing his ring and pumping up voters by using it as an example of what you can achieve if you try as hard as you can …
Con: …and have Paul Pierce and Ray Allen to take the pressure off you.

Tiger Woods (PGA, FL)
Pro: Has never been more popular than right now after winning one of the most exciting matches in golf history, all with a bum knee.
Con: Would give credibility to Karl Rove's comment about Obama being a "Country Club Jerk." And giving Rove the slightest bit of credibility cannot look good.

Ashley Harkleroad (WTA)
Pro:Her positives are well-documented!
Con:Did we mention just how well-documented?

Manny Ramirez (MLB, MA)
Pro: Dan Quayle has already opened the door for an aloof V.P., and Manny's waaaay more charming.
Con: As long as there's a slight possibility that video exists of Manny pushing down a 64-year-old, it's probably best to look elsewhere. If that gets out, it won't go over well anywhere.

Hank Steinbrenner (MLB, NY)
Pro: His bulldog, get-it-done-no-matter-what-stands-in-your-way manner will be a nice yin to Obama's laid back yang.
Con: The GOP machine will surely focus their attack ads on the idea that Obama has chosen a running mate who is completely insane.

Kobe Bryant (NBA, CA)
Pro: Although he couldn't come away with the championship, Kobe did bring his team to the brink and won an MVP award in the process. America loves success.
Con: Obama's willingness to get mired in the quagmire of the Kobe vs. Shaq feud is sure to draw unfavorable comparisons to his decisions regarding another quagmire.

Joey Chestnut
Pro: There was no greater moment of national pride since we ousted Britain from our shores than Chestnut defeating six-time champion Takeru Kobayashi in last year's Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. SOmebody had to take on Japan's eating imperialism, and Roosevelt wasn't around. Joey was!
Con: Absolutely none.

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