FANTASY WORLD:
CLEAR YOUR MIND FOR FOOTBALL

Getty Images

Adrian Peterson a bust? Apparently, he can't even fit in an Oompa Loompa suit. Not a good sign.

With the All-Star break in the rearview, it's time to reassess. If you've been following this column's diverse range of advice—summary: get Carlos Quentin—your team should be in fine working order. But if you ever said, "Zito is my centerpiece" your season might be over. Still as any true Fantasy-Head knows, there's a second season afoot: fantasy football. With that in mind, here is a potpourri of draft tips—mostly, we need to get your head right— delivered in epic Chinese proverb-style:

"Clear your mind to open it."
First thing's first: Free up some time. Hire an intern, end that meaningful relationship, quit following politics; unless you're Kevin Costner, your vote's not going to matter anyway. If that doesn't open up enough time, get your mom to put an adult-block on your Internet connection. That should clear up another 6-10 hours a day, although you probably won't be able to get information about Marc Bulger's injury from now on.

"The winds of change blow softly."
Since the beginning of time, there have been two constants in the universe: the law of conservation of energy, and the law of using your first two draft picks on running backs. That second law is outdated now since most teams have adopted the RB-by-committee approach. This year, after the first six RBs or so, things get pretty muddled. Don't be ashamed to draft a top-flight WR or even, gasp, Tom Brady in the late 1st-early 2nd. If he hasn't retired to surf.

"Trust not a man who dons purple."
If you happened to see any Vikings games last year you probably noticed two things: (1) Tarvaris Jackson isn't good; (2) that running back sure does run pretty upright. As the consensus 2nd pick behind LaDainian Tomlinson this year, Peterson's injury history and upright running style means he has the potential for being bustier than Tera Patrick. Let someone else fret over him.

"A drowsy one shall set them free."
After a trio of underwhelming seasons in overly-depressing Seattle, D.J. Hackett signed on with the Panthers this off-season. Initial reports are that he'll be battling Muhsin Muhammed for snaps, but that should be like Scarface taking on a pile of cocaine. He'll conquer. Hackett has some freakish skills at his disposal, and opponents double-teaming Steve Smith will only help. After you get him, celebrate with one of Burger King's new Smokehouse Burgers. All 720 calories. You've earned it.

"Feeding bears will only get you eaten."
The Chicago Bears really make it easy for their fans to draft with their brains, not their hearts; they don't have a single person on their offense worth taking. (No, not even Devin Hester.) And now, after the Kevin Jones signing, you can't even feel comfortable drafting rookie RB Matt Forte. If you have to take a Bear, choose Tommie Harris, hoping they'll get fancy and use him like Ditka used The Fridge.

"Look to the stars."
It's easy to see why football is the fantasy sport most based on luck. With 16 games a year—only 13 counting for most leagues— you have to deal with a very small sample size, and that's before you take in pervasive variables like injuries, varying levels of competition, changes to the offensive line, Jon Kitna, etc. It's a gambling proxy, a team sport where research will only take you so far. When all else fails, gaze heavenward and put your draft in the hands of the deity of your choice. Stay away from those vengeful ones, though. They'll probably get cute and draft Shaun Alexander.

-----

Player on My Team of the Week: The recently-traded Justin Morneau, who celebrated his first day on my team by running a red marker through Josh Hamilton's storybook ending at the Home Run Derby. Score one for the atheists!

How to Heckle One of My Players This Week: "Hey Carl Crawford, not to place blame on anyone for the recent Rays seven-game losing streak, but during the same time you've gone 1-for-26. Why do you hate success?"

Buy High: The state of comedy following the break-up of Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman. As science has proven again and again, love kills comedy.

Sell Low: The small niche market for foam cheesehead hats built-for-two, as Wisconsin couples are sure to start divorcing due to marital strife brought on by this Brett Favre fiasco.

Print Article . Email Article. Subscribe to The Magazine