FANTASY WORLD:
THE SWAP MEET

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"You think they love me like they loved Buhner?" ... "Just throw the curve."

If you've flipped through the various ESPN entities this week, you've most likely seen a still photo of either Buster Olney or Peter Gammons as they give interviews over the phone—seriously, their July phone bills might be more than the GDP of Macedonia—which can mean only one thing: here comes the trading deadline!

With only a week left to go, rumors are spreading quicker than hope at an Obama rally. And while most are abut as accurate as the one about Paul from The Wonder Years being Marilyn Manson, a few will inevitably come true. Here's a look at five players on the block and how their movement might affect your fantasy team.

Erik Bedard, Mariners
Possible Suitors: While Bedard's injuries make him a gamble, if the Mariners are willing to part with him for an autographed bobblehead—in its original plastic!—he could wind up with the Cubs, Phillies, Mets and Yankees.
Best Landing Spot: Mets. Moving to Shea would increase his run support, allow him to remain in a pitcher's park and face lesser (read: D.C.-based) competition.
Worst Landing Spot: Cubs. Wrigley isn't going to help any pitcher's stats, but even worse, since the Baseball Gods won't let the Cubs have success, Bedard will end up on the DL, probably due to ferociously high-fiving Rich Harden, who'll also break his arm.

Barry Bonds, Free Agent
Possible Suitors: If he's willing to play for league minimum, there's not a team in baseball that shouldn't be on this list. But so far, only teams in the DH-league have been rumored, and even then they've all been in the AL East: Yankees, Rays, Red Sox and Blue Jays.
Best Landing Spot: Rays. Some feel this would sully the rep of the upstart Rays, but the reality is that the Second Coming of Bonds would be met with resounding applause as he vanquishes the evil Red Sox-Yankees double-juggernaut.
Worst Landing Spot: Blue Jays. There's no bad landing spot for him in terms of your fantasy team— it's not like he's helping now—but having him play in Canada would almost be un-American. He's our scapegoat!

A.J. Burnett, Blue Jays
Possible Suitors: Anyone in need of starting pitching, which means the Cardinals, Cubs, Diamondbacks, Marlins, Mets, White Sox and Yankees.
Best Landing Spot: White Sox. Not only will he get decent run support and be able to beat up on the Royals and Indians, but fans will finally get what they've always wanted: a pitching battery consisting entirely of A.J.'s!
Worst Landing Spot: Cardinals or Marlins. They're both not as good as their records indicate, meaning he'll take the brunt of the fans' scorn for being the bad-luck charm responsible for their downfall.

Brian Fuentes, Rockies
Possible Suitors: Since every team wants to beef up their bullpen, the Fuentes derby is this year's most highly-contested race. If a team has a top prospect—which includes just about every team outside of the White Sox—they're in the hunt.
Best Landing Spot: It's simple. If he closes, it's good. If he doesn't, it sucks. The Rays might have him close over Troy Percival; Detroit could use him if Todd Jones continues to pitch like Todd Jones; the Mets could go after him; any of the NL Central contenders have closer issues; and don't be surprised if the Takashi Saito injury forces the Dodgers to make a move. All of the above are on the side of good, like The Federation. (We're psyched for the new Star Trek!)
Worst Landing Spot: Any other team is on the side of evil.

Matt Holliday, Rockies
Possible Suitors: While most teams would move their outfields around to force Holliday's bat into their lineups, the easiest fits are the Rays, Twins and Mets.
Best Landing Spot: Nowhere. While it would be fun to have him playing in front of the 12,000 Rays fans—come on Florida geriatrics, get out there!—leaving Colorado's zero-gravity environment would hurt.
Worst Landing Spot: Rays. A trade here makes the most sense—they have room to add a premiere outfield bat, and the prospects to pull off the trade—having to face the stellar Blue Jays (2nd in AL ERA), Red Sox (6th) and Yankees (7th) rotations on a regular basis won't be fun.

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Player on My Team of the Week: Carlos Quentin, who came back from rough 0-for-4 All Star Game by hitting .400 during the short week, along with his 24th HR of the year. That puts him on pace for a .280, 38 HRs, 113 RBIs, 105 Rs and 8 SB season! Two words: man crush.

How to Heckle One of My Players of the Week: "We want a pitcher, not a Jesse Litsch — er!"

Best Rick Ankiel Impression: Adam Loewen, whose elbow problems finally put a merciful end to everyone's obsession/frustration with him as a fantasy sleeper. Loewen will attempt a comeback as an outfielder/first baseman, which will last about as long as Tony Pena Jr.'s one-inning pitching career.

The Ignorance Is Bliss Award: Astros management, who saw their 5th place position in the NL Central—12 games back from the Cubs—and thought, "All we really need to get back in the race is a 31-year old pitcher with a 4.74 ERA in the most pitcher-friendly park in the league." Well done!

Buy High: Building a time machine and offering to fund Christopher Nolan's first film, as long as he gives you a small percentage—say, one percent—of the profits his movies make from here on out.

Sell Low: The soul of anyone who doesn't shed a tear after watching the "Christian the Lion" video. The same goes for the brain of anyone who, after watching it, actually tries to hug a wild lion.

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