CLIFFS NOTES: OPENING CEREMONIES

Michael Christopher Brown for ESPN The Magazine

We were surprised to learn that Pink Floyd was NOT consulted for the opening ceremonies.

Greetings from the future, where the Opening Ceremonies of the XXIX Olympiad have just finished, and we know who lit the Olympic torch.

The event begins tonight at 7:30 EST on NBC. But in case you don't have four-and-a-half hours to spare, we've provided you with a cheat sheet. [Insert Olympic cheaters joke here.]

HOUR 1: THE CEREMONY

The engineering, pyrotechnics and choreography needed to pull off this ceremony is reason enough to watch. Cirque du Soleil's choreographers should take notes.

Each of the more than 20 numbers, all directed by House of Flying Daggers director Zhang Yimou, featured between 100-2,000 men and women (14,000 total) performing routines in perfect synchronicity. The opening number alone is worth watching. It was like a Chinese version of Blue Man Group. Minus the blue men. Plus 2,000 Chinese men. There were drums.

Michael Christopher Brown for ESPN The Magazine

One of the functioning space cadets.

About two-thirds of the way through the show, men dressed in light-up space suits were raised into the rafters via cables and then flown over a group of child performers, who were dancing below. A few minutes into the number, Space Man Three's suit malfunctioned. His lights flickered and went out for good. The cameras immediately bailed on him, and chances are, it will never make the broadcast. But it was a nice moment. Everything was too perfect until that point.

HOURS 2-3.5: THE ATHLETE PROCESSION

As each country was announced and its athletes entered the stadium, the crowd changed its clapping intensity. There were a few trends:

Confused Clapping (a.k.a. Delayed-Response Clapping)—Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia
A-Little-Bit-Louder-Now Clapping—Australia, Japan, Pakistan, Iran, Iraq, North Korea, Germany, Italy, Mexico, Singapore
SEC-Football-Worthy Clapping (in order of increasing decibel levels)—Chinese Taipei; Hong Kong, China; Russian Federation; Canada; Democratic People's Republic of Korea; China; Dirk Nowitzki; Olympic torch; Rafael Nadal; Roger Federer; Kobe Bryant; Yao Ming
Absentee Clapping (a.k.a. silence)—Sudan

Sticking with tradition, Greece entered first. The remainder of the 204 countries entered in Mandarin alphabetical order.

Several members of the Japanese team were carrying Chinese flags.

If you're waiting for the U.S., they arrive about 45 minutes from the start of the march. Plenty of time for a snack.

As the U.S. athletes walked the circle, the jumbotron flashed images of George W. and Laura Bush. There was no booing.

As the athletes walked in a procession around the stadium, they were flanked by smiling, bouncing male and female "cheerleaders." As Kobe Bryant passed the men, several of them broke form and jumped in front of him, waving their arms up and down in an attempt to get his attention, and then jumped to high-five him.

Roger Federer turned 27 today. He told the press this week that meeting his girlfriend, Miroslava Vavrinec, at the 2000 Sydney Games (she was also representing Switzerland in tennis) was his favorite Olympic moment. Ahhh.

China entered the stadium last, and had two flag bearers: Yao Ming and a little boy who was nine (and was one-fourth Yao's height) and was carrying a tiny Chinese flag. The little boy was chosen to walk alongside Yao because, during the earthquake that hit the Sichuan Province in May, he saved two of his classmates.

China was the only country that separated their male and female athletes in the procession. The women entered first, wearing yellow, and then the men, wearing red.

Michael Christopher Brown for ESPN The Magazine

Quick fact: the guy that designed the Olympic Stadium studied at Parsons School of Design.

HOURS 3.5-4.5: THE OATHS AND TORCH LIGHTING

If you're one of those "don't spoil the ending for me" types, stop reading now. If you're not…

Zhang Yining, a Chinese table tennis gold medalist, took the Athletes' Oath on behalf of all athletes at this Olympics.

Huang Liping, a Chinese gymnastics judge, took the Judges' Oath on behalf of all judges.

Li Ning a three-time gold medalist in gymnastics lit the Olympic torch. The manner in which he lit the torch was absolutely incredible. If you can watch only one segment of these ceremonies, this should be it. The ending is too good to give away.

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