PAY TO PLAY

What does it cost to start your own run to the Olympics?

by Chris Sprow

We love world records, but when we found out the Chinese have been rigging the pool, (not to mention their gymnasts) we figured we'd try to get in on the action ourselves for the next-go-round. Problem is, these Olympics-types get their gear for free. We don't. Even those Speedo's are $550 retail! But it got us thinking: for the many Olympic sports that have the "We could do that!" glow, just what does it cost to play?

We consulted the experts, and took a look at some of the equipment. Here's a primer to get you started for your own Olympic run.

Archery — No wonder Robin Hood was a thief. He had to support his habit. (Archery, not junk, of course.) A bland looking bow runs a thousand bucks? Can we borrow your arrows?

Badminton — Apparently, 90% of top players swing Yonex rackets, which tells us the sport is young and only has a Chuck Taylor level of equipment infiltration by big brands. Unfortunately, a solid Yonex can run you near $250, a slap in the face of the $30 backyard set. And what of the shuttlecocks?

Baseball — You're not discovered yet? Skip it. Even if you coach Little League and call it a social life, you'll have to pony for a couple of these bad boys.

Basketball — Even your medical bills as a stuntman might be a bit outrageous. Starbury's are always on sale, of course.

Bowling — Sure, it' s not in The Games … yet. But bowling alley PBR's can be pricey. If you've ever spent more than fifty dollars in one night on High Life, you might be a bowler. (But not Olympic level.) At least the advocates over at Page 2 are assembling.

Boxing — Equipment is pretty cheap. Gym membership and training, not so much. That said, even if it lands you a cameo on Nip/Tuck, do you really want to have to pay for plastic surgery? Though, they are doing amazing things with noses these days.

Canoe/Kayak — Thinking of giving it all up for a run at the Olympics in kayaking? Well, grab a partner for this "reasonable" version, available for the cost of a semester at some state schools. Don't forget paddles!

Cycling — Lance got his for free, and Floyd did too, but for you, a Tour De France or Olympics level roadie can run close to $15,000. (And we don't mean Sheryl Crow.) Add a couple G's for components and modifications, and cruising the cul-de-sac in your Huffy is starting to look pretty sweet. (And don't forget the cost of keeping your EPO supplier quiet.)

Water Polo? Cheap equipment! Just paint stars and stripes on your tighty whites and spray them with Spam. Problem is, water polo players regularly eat between 8,000-10,000 calories a day, which is the Taco Bell menu, twice. That can cost a lot of money. If you already eat between 8,000-10,000 calories a day, you may not want to play, because floating isn't enough.

Diving — It's not the cost of the swimsuit—that's negligible—it's the cost of counseling after your first brush with vertigo.

Equestrian — Storm Cat knows how to go to work, but have seen what he's charging? It's cheaper to go into gambling, and by that we mean paying off Barkley's last bad night at the Bellagio. Zing!

Field Hockey — The U.S. Olympic Committee was good enough to get you measured for a stick , and you can get a decent one for close to 200 bucks, but you look terrible in plaid skirts.

Gymnastics — Unless you can shrink a foot and give up food for a while, skip it. Good news is, China can get you an early start. Yearly glitter costs range up to a grand.

Handball — You may have to move to Hungary or Turkey for a good game, and the visa ain't cheap. Also, Midnight Express.

Judo and Karate — If you are older than 12, and your most impressive belt is from Kenneth Cole, consider something else.

Pentathalon / Heptathalon — It's not the cost of the javelin (upwards of a grand), it's the cost of removal the first time you take one in the liver. Ouch.

Racquetball — This is a sport where we think you might be able to break through. A good Wilson racquet shouldn't take you for more than $300, the balls are cheap and you can beat the firm's resident Gordon Gecko. Problem? It's only a sanctioned sport in the Junior Olympics, and the cost of a good laser job on 3 o'clock shadow isn't cheap. Believe you me.

Rowing — Most cities have rowing clubs of some sort, and it's another chance to break through. Only downsides is you need to find a good partner willing to quit his or her job to push toward the Olympics with you. Oh, and a racing shell can cost $30,000. THIRTY! (And grab some good oars, or skulls, as the big kids call them.)

Sailing — Unless Dennis Connor is your neighbor, and you have a couple million for a decent starter boat, and you also have an extra fifteen years to learn the intricacies of tacking … hey those Sperry Topsiders are handsome, however.

Shooting — Guns cost thousands, plus shells. Bigger issue is paying off your neighbors for that time you thought their gray cat was a clay pigeon. Skip it and watch the greatest gun display ever.

Volleyball — If you weren't a superstar in college, it's tough to get in. If you're 5'6", you can barely play the Wii version. It's too bad, too. It's perhaps the cheapest game out there.

Water Polo — Cheap equipment! Just paint stars and stripes on your tighty whites and spray them with Spam. Problem is, water polo players regularly eat 8,000-10,000 calories a day, which is like this menu, twice. That can cost a lot of money. If you already eat between 8,000-10,000 calories a day, you may not want to play, because floating isn't enough.

Weightlifting — If the repo guy just grabbed your BowFlex, wrong sport. The ten grand some weightlifters spend per year—just on supplements—is another issue.

Wrestling — It's cheap as the spandex you have under your suit. Now, strip down, and let's roll!

Print Article . Email Article. Subscribe to The Magazine