THE SPORTING EQUIVALENCY: JOHN STAMOS

by Ted Bauer

Tuesdays are cool for two reasons: Family Guy mini-marathon on TBS and The Sporting Equivalency over here. The former? Self-explanatory. The latter? We take members of pop culture and equate them to athletes. Want to see examples? Go right here. Today we had two compelling, if drastically different, birthday options: former U.S. President Bill Clinton and Full House star John Stamos. We went the latter because, well, the jokes came a little easier. On three: "You lost your wife to the guy who played the fat kid in Stand By Me!" Hey-o! Here we go.

John Stamos' MLB Equivalent: Luis Gonzalez

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Why it works: Gonzalez plays for the Marlins now, and has played for other teams (Astros, Tigers, etc). Does anyone really think of him as anything other than an Arizona Diamondback? Same with Stamos. He was on General Hospital and now works on ER. Great. You're Uncle Jesse, sir. There's no way around it. You could also equate Gonzo's major moment in the sun (Game 7) to a career that landed you Demi Moore, Lori Loughlin, Paula Abdul, Rebecca Romijn, and some Argentine model we're afraid to link to.

John Stamos' NBA Equivalent: Kevin Love

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Easy one. Stamos is tight with the Beach Boys, has played drums for 'em as they tour (side note: the cover for the Beach Boys concert at the GOP Convention? $25!) and sang "Forever" to the Olsen Twins in one episode of Full House. Sheesh, remember when the Olsen Twins were wholesome? Anyway: Love is the nephew of Mike Love, a member of the band. In a recent interview Chris Broussard did with Love (we'll post the video soon), the new T-Wolve says the Beach Boys are far more important to music than Prince. Uh. That'll score you points in the Twin Cities!

John Stamos' NFL Equivalent: Philip Rivers

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Our logic here: if there's one guy in the NFL who could play a character named "Blackie Parrish" on General Hospital and subsequently win a 1984 'Young Artist' award for it, doesn't it seem like it would be Rivers? Picture him holding the metal clipboard and delivering over-the-top lines. It works, right? (If Brady had no rings, we'd say the same about him.) Bonus: Norv Turner likely has as foul a mouth as Bob Saget and we all have no idea.

John Stamos' Olympic Equivalent: Yelena Isinbaeva

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Logic: both generally good-looking people. Both best known for having hard-to-spell names (try to spell Uncle Jesse's last name), doing ridiculously hard things for a living (try laughing at Dave Coulier's jokes for almost 10 years), and leaping over impossibly high bars (once you marry Rebecca Romijn, how do you follow that up? Off Brady and go for Gisele?). Bonus: Stamos could probably get her number.

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