THE MORNING ... ACCORDING TO US

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"C'mon Barbie let's go party ... er, fish."

Welcome to August 22nd. Half our office seems to have suitcases lying around their desks, which we endorse. Wonder if any of said suitcases have large Barbie fishing poles that can haul in 21-pound catfish. Wait, what? Read on.

That Other Noise Is the Cleat Dropping
USA Track & Field honcho Doug Logan is not in a pleasant mood. For the first time since 1976, Team USA failed to bring home a gold in a sprint event. Logan plans to go all Steinbrenner and conduct a "comprehensive review of all our programs." Firings are likely. More training is for sure. Basic stuff, too—like, you know, how to pass a baton, since neither the men's nor women's 4 x 100 teams really figured that out. "I, like all fans of Team USA, am extremely disappointed," says Logan.

Chinese Government Tells the World to Trust 'Em
The IOC has asked the International Gymnastics Federation to look into claims that Chinese gymnasts were as young as 14. Oh. No better time to investigate than after everything is decided, eh? The parents of the Chinese gymnasts, however, are "indignant" over these investigations. They have scores of official documents from the state showing that their little girls are (little, yes, but) 16. They, and the Chinese government, beg of these world-wide sleuths (who, by the way, have found state-issued newspaper clippings that say some of the girls were 14) to trust the Chinese. Just trust them. Because if you can't trust a Communist regime obsessed with perfection which has faked fireworks and lip synched national anthems, who can you trust?

Barbie Tackle Boxes?
David Hayes, a North Carolina angler, took his three-year-old granddaughter Alyssa fishing yesterday. She brought her two-and-a-half foot, hot pink, Barbie rod and reel with her. At one point she said, "Papa, I have to go to the bathroom" and so Hayes took control of her line. It was then that he felt a tug. "I knew right then that I had my hands full with that fishing rod," Hayes said. The water began boiling up around the line; the game was on. About 25 minutes later, Hayes pulled a 21-pound catfish from the water, a state record.

This looks sweet
Check out the trailer for Recall, a new movie about athletes traveling the world in search of the best kayaking opportunities. It's a nice mash-up of River Runs Through It and White Water Summer without Sean Astin's star power.

Inspirational Olympic Story for Friday
Maarten van der Weijden, a Dutch long-distance swimmer, won the gold medal in men's 10K swim yesterday. He's a leukemia survivor, although he does caution fans not to liken him to Lance Armstrong.

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