THE MORNING ACCORDING TO US

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Where performance-enhancing drug policies go to die.

For first time callers, longtime listeners—this is a radio show, by the way—just remember to take a look at the map up top after you read the explanations below. What you'll find is a better idea of what's going on outside the bubble you've been living in for decades. In squalor, no less. Your eyes opened as they would be after a great cup of Brim, you'll be ready to take on the day, and more importantly, discuss Yeti. Read on, fair friend.

The Yankees Can't Win at Beer Pong, Either
After a game last week against the Royals, Joba Chamberlain and Jason Giambi went out for drinks. At a bar called Southern Comfort some fans challenged the two to a game of beer pong. The fans dominated. Toward the end, Chamberlain and Giambi got uber-competitive, but the fans, never named, held on for the win. This is probably a good thing for Yankees' pr. Had the Yankees won, fans would have had a better inclination why the team isn't in first place. Instead, people must keep consulting Yahoo Answers.

Olympic Rip-Off
Peter Breiner, who arranged more than 200 national anthems for the 2004 Olympics, has accused the Beijing Olympic Committee of stealing those works for this year's Games. He says he is "100 percent sure" that his arrangements are being played at medal ceremonies. The Chinese response? The music was just NBC doing CGI; ya' know, like a fireworks display.

Airport Entertainment
Though these Games were flawed and perhaps, in the case of Chinese gymnasts, rigged, the Chinese know how to get you out of the country quickly, and with style. Athletes could check their bags at the Olympic Village, and at the airport Chinese opera singers performed and the official Fuwa mascots waived at people as they departed. That's a tough act for Vancouver to follow. But its Olympic cooperative brothel should compete.

Search for Yeti
A team of Japanese adventurers hope to prove the existence of the mysterious yeti in Nepal's mountains, focusing on an area they are convinced is home to the legendary creature. Tales of a huge half-man-half-ape roaming the high Himalayas are as old as the hills. We even have our own legends here, with Bigfoot. Local Sherpa stories about the hairy giant have gripped the imaginations of Western adventurers and mountaineers for decades. Apparently, few of them have seen Harry and the Hendersons. John Lithgow killed in that story of hair and redemption.

Moving on to London
And so the Olympic torch is passed to London. And already there are developments. Here, London Mayor Boris Johnson reminds the world that ping pong, though dominated by the Chinese, is nevertheless a British invention and is finally coming home. And here, outrage brews. London officials have included in a promotional video for the Games a shot of the painting of Myra Hindley. Hindley killed four children in the 1960s. The painting, a straight-on portrait, is made from children's hand prints. Even the artist says his work has no place in a promotional video for the Olympics.

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