FANTASY WORLD:
SEPTEMBER HANG-UPS

Our self-proclaimed expert says, stay away from these call-ups.

by Rick Paulas

The calendar turning to September brings with it some drastic changes. It is the official end of summer and the month when another batch of heartless, emotionally-depraved group of Virgos are unleashed onto the world. But most importantly, it's the month when you can give your MLB fantasy team a boost by adding one of the recently-promoted September call-ups.

Or not.

Usually, the heavily-hyped youngsters that are called up do nothing more than pinch hit, throw some mop-up duty, play an inning as a defensive replacement or wear female clothing as part of their rookie hazing ritual. For every Jacoby Ellsbury or K-Rod who make an impact in their brief autumn stint, there are a dozen no-name players who, well, are no-name players for a reason. That said, in honor of the 9th month of the year, here are nine likely call-ups that should be avoided at all costs, like Alf reruns. (Spoiler: The show doesn't hold up.)

Homer Bailey, Reds
Forget about the right knee sprain he suffered last week, Bailey wasn't going to help even if he was completely healthy. In 19 starts at Triple-A, Bailey has a thoroughly uninspiring 4.77 ERA which, along with his 7.93 ERA in sporadic starts with the big boys, means he'll only be brought up to help carry the jock straps from the bus.

David Huff, Indians
Thought to be the favorite to take Paul Byrd's vacant spot in the rotation, the Indians instead elected to go with fellow youngster Zach Jackson, who has a decent 4.90 ERA in three starts and a solid 11-2 strikeout/walk ratio. But even if Jackson implodes, the Indians have Aaron Laffey and his respectable 4.23 ERA in nine major league starts on Triple-A ice.

Ian Kennedy, Yankees
This year: 4-10 record in nine starts. 26 walks in 39 innings. 8.17 ERA and 1.916 WHIP. Nothing to see here. Move along.

Cameron Maybin, Marlins
The key piece in the Miguel Cabrera trade, Maybin has put together a solid season in Double-A, leading to speculation that the Marlins will bring him up in a last-ditch effort to narrow the six-game gap on the Phillies and Mets. But with Cody Ross, Jeremy Hermida and Josh Willingham, the team isn't exactly hurting for outfielders, meaning Maybin will be left begging for at-bats. If they do bring him up, it'll mostly be just for his glowing smile.

Jerry Owens, White Sox
Earlier this year, it was common knowledge that Owens had the left field spot locked up while this new Quentin guy could work on his swing in Triple-A. How times have changed. Now, besides Beast Monster Quentin (actual name), Owens has to also battle with Ken Williams man-crush Ken Griffey, Jr. and the defensively-gifted Brian Anderson for spots in the outfield. If called up, Owens would be a sixth outfielder. At best.

Felix Pie, Cubs
For whatever reason, the Cubs hate Pie (Pronounced PEA-AYE). To make sure he never succeeds, they signed Kosuke Fukudome during the offseason to take at-bats away. And then later, when it looked like he might bat now and then, they got Jim Edmonds to completely block Pie's development. Don't expect anything to change if they give him another taste of the Wrigley Field urinal troughs.

The Rays won't do anything stupid like sticking him in a high-leverage rotation spot like K-Rod in '02 or Joba last year, taking a chance on his mystical arm.

David Price, Rays
Price is the big name being thrown around these days, and for good reason. In his first season as a pro, Price is 11-1 with a 2.24 ERA in 18 starts, to go along with a magical 104 strikeouts in 104 innings. But if he gets called up, he won't get put into the rotation right away; their top five have been key to the team's success this year. And the Rays won't do anything stupid like sticking him in a high-leverage rotation spot like K-Rod in '02 or Joba last year, taking a chance on his mystical arm. No, if anything he'll be up as a middle reliever, but the guess here is they keep him in Triple-A until the Price is right in '09.

Max Ramirez, Rangers
Maximilano had a nice stint with the team earlier this year, but if he's brought back up, he'll have too many catchers to "accidentally" injure before getting at-bats. For some reason, the team loves Gerald Laird in an almost disgusting way. And they can't afford to give up yet on backup catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia, since he's the supposed "big boon" from last year's Mark Teixeira trade. All Max will be doing come September is warming up the bullpen.

Dontrelle Willis, Tigers
The Tigers will be forced to bring up Dontrelle seeing as (a) they're out of the race; and (b) they hilariously signed him to a 3-year, $29 million contract extension last winter. Neither are reasons that should get you excited to see his name on your league's waiver wire.

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Player On My Team of the Week: Brian Roberts, who finally justified the huge amount I had to give up for him with a .407 week, including a HR, 5 RBIs, 4 runs and, most importantly, 3 stolen bases. Keep on thievin'!

How to Heckle One of My Players of the Week: "Hey Clay Buchholz, it was nice to see you get back on track by striking out 8 batters in your last start. Now, how about you do it in the major leagues!"

Most Powerful Political Statement: Barack Obama, who surpassed anything said at the DNC in a recent interview with Stuart Scott. "You go to Wrigley Field, you have a beer, you know, the beautiful people are up there. People aren't watching the game. It's not serious. White Sox, that's baseball." So I'm a Sox fan. So what?

Buy High: That White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski has compromising photos of umpire Doug Eddings after the latest controversial call involving the two during last Sunday's extra-inning game against the Rays.

Sell Low: Any autograph from a Washington Nationals player, after the news that their games attract a weekly audience of about 26,500 radio listeners, worst in the league by far.

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