FANTASY WORLD:
FIXING YOUR DRAFT MISTAKES

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"Alright, I got Bryant Johnson on my fantasy team, now don't hang me out to dry here, or we may have some 'protection breakdowns'. Know what I'm sayin'?"

Last week, I participated in the most fantasy drafts for one year ever: Five! Total! Drafts!

The reason for the massive amount is so I'll finally be able to watch football like a human being. Think about it: With so many players, I can stop worrying about so-and-so throwing a TD to so-and-so and just enjoy the game. It's like I own the league, and thus one player's failure is another's boon. Theoretically. It's a good stock index. Yet, with so many drafts, there's bound to be some mistakes, especially for me, since I'm an idiot. And since the key step in becoming an adult is admitting your own mistakes—that, and making sure you're well-groomed—let's take a look at some of them:

Draft #1
Predicament: "Sleeping Through the Sleepers" - My season got off to a distressing start when I woke from my daily nap at 6:30pm (don't judge) for my first draft of the year. Unfortunately, it started a half-hour earlier. Since Obama was just about to start his speech, I let the RoboDrafter handle the rest.
Solution: Thankfully, there are always sleepers on the waiver wire. I dropped my extra kicker and defense (stupid RoboDrafter!) for Reggie Williams and rookie Ray Rice, who is in the enviable position of backing up a dinged-up Willis McGahee. My best move though was dropping the solid, and completely boring, Isaac Bruce for Robert Meachem. Dude's got upside!
Lesson: Set an alarm and act like an adult for your fantasy world! (I like that sentence.)

Draft #2
Predicament: "The Panic Move" - In the middle of the 8th round, I announced my steal to the masses: Matt Hasselbeck. Too bad he was taken 4 rounds ago. (To be fair, the draft was over the phone and some rounds got lost in the ether.) With time running out, I panicked and picked the best available player on my sheet. Unfortunately, I was reading from a magazine that was printed two months ago. The eventual pick: 49ers WR Bryant Johnson.
Solution: This is an odd case where the best move is making no move at all. Sure, Johnson was a huge stretch in the 8th round—he's still available in one of my other leagues—but since there's nobody too interesting on the waivers, and Mike Martz does need WRs for his high-flying offense, Johnson's worth stashing away. Plus, if he does somehow turn into a sleeper I can pretend I made the pick on purpose. As long as no one in that league reads this article. No? Okay. Good.
Lesson: Update your draft information by the day, nay, hour, nay, minute!

Draft #3
Predicament: "Inebriation Frustration" - It was late into the 2nd hour of a keg-fueled live draft and I needed a backup RB, so I once again turned to my list and saw Texans RB Chris Brown sitting there. Since I'm not up-to-the-minute on my middling RB news, I asked another owner if anything was wrong with him. "I think he's fine," he said. Hours after the draft I learned that Brown had been placed on injured reserve the day before, ending his season. This is a good lesson. "I think he's fine" from a fellow league member might as well be "He's got a few punctures in his lungs from the skiing accident, but the ventilator is a new model." You've been warned.
Solution: It's nice to essentially have an open roster spot to use, so I got that going for me. Besides that, now I won't feel bad when I sign up my lying opponent for the NKOTB mailing list.
Lesson: Don't drink and draft. Ever.

This is a good lesson. "I think he's fine" from a fellow league member might as well be "He's got a few punctures in his lungs from the skiing accident, but the ventilator is a new model." You've been warned.

Draft #4
Predicament: "Fixing the Short Circuit" - At the exact same time I was drinking and drafting, another of my teams welcomed Aaron Rodgers and Jeff Garcia to the roster. No, I'm not John Titor. I just had two drafts at the same time and once again had to let the RoboDrafter do my bidding.
Solution: Thankfully, another owner in the draft—The Mag.com's own Eric Angevine—had a similar predicament he RoboDrafted both Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. He needed a WR, I needed a QB, and a deal was struck. (I totally fleeced him!)
Lesson: If one cannot physically be at two drafts, bribe a friend to do it. Or blackmail him. One of the two.

Draft #5
Predicament: "Living for Today" - This one began a few years ago when I developed an ingenious plan for a fantasy dynasty. In this league you get to keep two guys, but when you do, it costs you a draft pick next year in the round they were chosen. So when I snagged two up-and-coming RBs in Laurence Maroney and Brandon Jacobs with late picks, I thought I was golden. All I'd have to do is keep the two sure-to-be top-10 RBs, sit back, relax, and watch as the trophies collected above my fireplace. Unfortunately, Jacobs hasn't turned the corner completely (19th RB overall last year) and Maroney is in an offense that never runs (26th RB last year). Joy.
Solution: There really is none. Which is why this lesson is doubly important.
Lesson: It's like saving for your kids' education. Forget about the future, folks, even in keeper leagues. All it leads to is you over-thinking your moves. And that eventually leads to tears.

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Player on My Team of the Week: Jack Cust, proving to be as consistent as ever. While he only had 4 hits last week (.166 average), 3 of those hits left the yard.

How to Heckle One of My Players of the Week: "Hey Jason Bartlett, cute that you hit your first home run since August 27th, 2007, but stop pretending you're powerful and start stealing bases! Chicks dig the long ball, sure, but they don't mind speed either. Just ask Scott Podsednik."

Buy High: Nightmares for young Cubs fans after the team used one of their September call-up spots on catcher Koyie Hill, who cut off four of his fingers on a table saw last October.

Sell Low: Mustache enthusiasts everywhere now that Jeff Kent, one of the main proponents of upper lip monstrosities, is most likely calling his career quits after being placed on the DL with torn cartilage in his knee. We'll miss you, Jeff Kent's Mustache.

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