THE MORNING ACCORDING TO US

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"Lance, don't you know the simple way to never be suspected of cheating? Never, ever win a race in France!"

According to this, if you were to drill a hole through the center of the earth and out the other side, and then fall down that hole, you could do so forever. When you got to the middle of the earth, your momentum would carry you, but then you'd be falling up essentially, and would eventually slow and fall down again toward where you started. We think it's best you start here, looking at our map of the world, and then stay. You'll learn more, and the center of the earth burns anyway.

Sympathy for the Devil
You almost feel sorry for Anna Wintour. Here she is, the editor of Vogue but also a huge fan of Roger Federer, taking time out of her schedule to fly to Wimbledon and, last weekend, appearing at Flushing Meadows for Federer's final, missing the Proenza Schouler show at Fashion Week in the process (one of her favorites). And how does Federer repay her? He snubs her during the Oscar de la Renta show! The gall of these gentlemanly tennis champs. Does he not realize that tears are out as a fall accessory?

One Billion Dollars
The average team in the National Football League is now worth more than $1 billion, marking the first time any sports league has surpassed that level, according to a report released on Wednesday. Topping the list of teams in terms of value were the Cowboys. Their new stadium has pushed the value to a plump $1.612 billion. We're not sure if the entire Jessica Simpson catalogue is included in that value. Unless Michael Jackson owns that, too.

Armstrong Defense Issues
It seems Lance Armstrong will never be able to keep his name away from doping rumors completely. Hey, this is cycling. Edward F. Coyle, a respected human-performance expert with the University of Texas in Austin, acknowledged making an error in his long-term study of Armstrong's muscle efficiency. The paper, which appeared in 2005, has been repeatedly used by Armstrong and his lawyers to fend off allegations that his cycling success came in part through doping. Cycling may be the only sport now where success is the first cause of suspicion. Coyle says the minor miscalculation changes nothing.

Olympic Tech
All they lack is John Cleese playing the part of Q, but for their next trick—the one they intend to pull off in 2012—the brain trust behind Great Britain's Olympic success intend to bring the following futuristic advancements: radar-tracking technology for archery and the javelin; a judo robot; personalised spikes for sprinters; and a miniaturised, wireless body-sensor to help swimmers to save milliseconds on their tumble turns. Personally, we were sold once they could make fake fireworks. How do you top that? Less timing devices, more pyro, people!

Like Father, Like Son
Say what you want about NYC-mayor-for-life Rudy Giuliani's skills as a husband and dad, the ticked off ex Senate and Prez candidate is influential. The, court papers released today, showing why Rudy's son, Andrew, despite his parents' lawsuit, was kicked off of Duke's golf team. Andrew's mother Donna Hanover tried bullying Duke officials into letting Andrew back on, but the school was firm. Andrew's bad behavior—like throwing an apple at a teammate's head—led to his dismissal. That apple didn't fall far from the tree.

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