THE SPORTING EQUIVALENCY:
JENNIFER TILLY

by Ted Bauer

[Ed's note: Not sure what 'The Sporting Equivalency' is? Please click here.]

Academy Award-nominated actress Jennifer Tilly turns 50 [Ed's note: Terrifying] today. Alternatively best known as a generally annoying minx character and a poker player, here's something you may not known: she was married to Simpsons co-creator Sam Simon for seven years. Odd. (She currently dates poker player Phil "Unabomber" Laak, who likely has the most "Too soon?" nickname in all of televised sports). We decided to turn Sporting Equivalency to her, mostly because we loved her in Bride of Chucky.

Jennifer Tilly's MLB Equivalent: Milton Bradley

Logic: both are somewhat grating (we've wished Bradley would just disappear sometimes) yet undeniably talented. You don't think Tilly is talented? Easy to claim the Bullets over Broadway role was more the result of Woody Allen's direction than her skill, but what about Fabulous Baker Boys? For the role she was supposed to play in Bound, she was fantastic. Still, like Bradley, she generally toils in obscurity unless she does something outlandish—like kissing Gina Gershon on celluloid. Bonus: pretty good bet (no pun intended) that Bradley plays a little poker in that Texas clubhouse. Heck, we know he plays dominoes.

Jennifer Tilly's NBA Equivalent: Avery Johnson

Keep this one simple: voice could cut glass in both cases. Bonus: both have reached the finals and lost (Tilly to Dianne West in '94, Johnson to Pat Riley in '06).

Jennifer Tilly's NFL Equivalent: Jessica Simpson

OK, Simpson's not a player, but bear with us. One: they look alike. Two: they're both kind of hard to stomach (Tilly has more talent, at least as an actress). Three: they both have sisters you kinda forget about (Meg/Ashlee). Four: they both date guys who are talented in their sporting endeavors, but not really the best (Laak does have 1 World Poker Tour title, which is more playoff wins than Romo has). Five: if Tilly dated a NFL QB, which seems like something that might have happened circa 1995, FOX would probably cut to her at every available opportunity.

Jennifer Tilly's College Football Equivalent: Dan Hawkins

Read this: Hawkins calls Shanahan's gamble against the Chargers "absolute poetry." He then admits that he tried "a lot of funky stuff" when a small-college coach. Put simply: dude likes to gamble (heck, it helped him stun Oklahoma last year). Tilly likes to gamble too. If she was a college coach, she'd probably get woodshedded for recruits most of time (like Hawkins does to Stoops and Brown), but occasionally grab a Darrell Scott. How could you resist that voice, if only for the novelty?

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